This is a post of farewells, but also of new beginnings.
I've been meaning to post here for a while. Much has happened since I last blogged about. . . Home Depot? I dunno. I don't even remember.
First, I took part in the BC Japanese Speech contest, winning second place in the University division, Beginner category. I would have posted my speech on the blog, except that the copyright is held by the BC Japanese Speech Contest Organizing Committee. Basically, I talked about the time I met Miyuu Sawai (a story you can read about on this blog), and how that taught me courage and whatever.
Second, I've been doing a lot of thinking about that little Sailor Moon side project I started back in 2010, which in the absence of actual writing on the topic could be mistaken for giving up on it. I won't go into details here. . . I'll just mention that it's still on my mental back burner.
Third, and perhaps most significantly, I've been officially accepted into the JET program as an A.L.T.. I'm going back to Japan! Specifically, I'll be going to the town of Shirakawa. . .
. . . in Fukushima prefecture. . .
. . . What? You wanna-- oh, wait, I already said that.
Anyway, I'm coming up on a new phase in my life, and along with that I hope to enter a new phase of my writing. Kyle Took A Bullet For Me was my first blog. It was, incidentally, also the medium for my first screenplay, Sailor Moon. I look back at both of these things as a huge rough draft of who I want I want to be as a writer, which is probably the best way you can look at something that you're really not all that proud of in retrospect. I mean, hell, the friggen name of this blog was taken from a Tenacious D song. Not a sign of terrific originality.
So, to commemorate the end (for the foreseeable future anyway) of my life in P.G., in Canada, and in Physics, I've decided to officially end Kyle Took a Bullet For Me. . .
. . . and launch my new blog, Doin' the Nihon Go Go, a chronicle of science, life in Japan, creative ideas (more carefully exposited than my Sailor Moon stuff was), and whatever the hell else I want to write about. All on a damn schedule this time!
So, yeah. Get over there! There might not be anything written up yet, but at least you can admire the template.
Update: I've closed down comments on this blog, mainly so that spambots will stop bothering me.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
More Saving. More. . . er, we'll get back to you.
Back in fall of 2005, I briefly worked as a salesman at Home Depot. Briefly, as in two weeks.
That summer, I had gotten a temporary job at Save On Foods, stocking shelves as part of an inventory reorganizing at two Save On Foods locations. It was the first "real" job I ever had (I had done some earlier part time work at an photo editing company run from the home of a family friend) and once I got over a few of the hiccups involved in working retail (like, um, people) I actually quite enjoyed it. So with school-- and tuition and textbook payments-- coming up, I was thrilled when I was hired to work as a salesman at the recently opened Home Depot.
Two weeks later, I quit. Officially, the reason I left Home Depot was because I was hired as a physics lab instructor at the university. But honestly, I probably could have stayed on at Home Depot while also studying and teaching lab. The real reason I left is because I hated the job.
The problem I always had with looking back at my time at Home Depot was that I could never decide whether it was that I sucked as Home Depot employee or that Home Depot sucked as a workplace. One the one hand, I've never been the most socially graceful, and lack of social grace can be a detriment when half of your job is basically "talk to people and convince them to buy things". Plus, I've never been particularly inclined toward home repair and maintenance, despite/because of my upbringing. So, given my proclivity toward second-guessing myself (see the Family Guy/Star Trek II debacle), and given the fact that I was never again able to get a "real" job (i.e. outside UNBC), a part of me believed that I was simply not cut out for "real" work.
On the other hand, though. . . Home Depot kinda sucked. When I was hired, I was assigned to kitchen and bathroom sales-- as many put it, "selling toilets." Fine, I thought as the interview ended. I mean, I know next to nothing about kitchen- and bathroom-ware, but come on, they must assume that, right? They saw my resume, they know what level of home repair background I'm coming from, right? I'll get all the training I need. No sweat.
It turns out that "training" amounted to watching a few hours or useless video-- one of which was all about avoiding back injury by, you know, being careful 'n stuff, another of which was all about Home Depot's program to provide support for employees competing in the Olympics because hey that so applies to us!-- followed by us new workers being thrown out on to the floor and told to help customers. I'm serious. Right after "training", the new employees kicked out of the employee lounge and literally told "you have ten minutes to go out and help these customers", otherwise known as the "learn to swim by drowning" approach.
For the next two weeks, I tried as well as I could to learn the ropes. My immediate supervisor, a former soldier, was a nice enough boss, and I managed to get some stocking work done from time to time, but it wasn't enough to compensate for the systematic problems of working at Home Depot. First, there was lack of training-- one thing that sticks out is one time when, despite having received no formal instruction in how to sell kitchen and bathroom-ware (even info that I could study on my own time), I was told during my third day at work to take off my "In Training" pin, which in addition to being the fracking truth was also my one safety net in dealing with often nerved out customers. Another was the unpredictable hours-- despite assurances that I could work around my class schedule, my work hours more than once overlapped with a class period. I was able to talk to someone to get the hours changed those first couple of times, but I wondered how long I could keep doing that. Yet another problem was the fact I would sometimes get temporarily "transferred" to another store department, like electrical or plumbing or lumber; it was hard enough learning to function in the department in which I was supposed to be working without being thrown into a completely different one. This last problem, undoubtedly, springs from what one good-natured customer described as the Home Depot Experience: "Sixteen hundred square feet, four employees." I knew he was exaggerating, but even at the time, it didn't seem like much of an exaggeration.
And now, today, seven years after I quit, I find official acknowledgement of the Home Depot Experience, in nothing less than The New Yorker:
That summer, I had gotten a temporary job at Save On Foods, stocking shelves as part of an inventory reorganizing at two Save On Foods locations. It was the first "real" job I ever had (I had done some earlier part time work at an photo editing company run from the home of a family friend) and once I got over a few of the hiccups involved in working retail (like, um, people) I actually quite enjoyed it. So with school-- and tuition and textbook payments-- coming up, I was thrilled when I was hired to work as a salesman at the recently opened Home Depot.
Two weeks later, I quit. Officially, the reason I left Home Depot was because I was hired as a physics lab instructor at the university. But honestly, I probably could have stayed on at Home Depot while also studying and teaching lab. The real reason I left is because I hated the job.
The problem I always had with looking back at my time at Home Depot was that I could never decide whether it was that I sucked as Home Depot employee or that Home Depot sucked as a workplace. One the one hand, I've never been the most socially graceful, and lack of social grace can be a detriment when half of your job is basically "talk to people and convince them to buy things". Plus, I've never been particularly inclined toward home repair and maintenance, despite/because of my upbringing. So, given my proclivity toward second-guessing myself (see the Family Guy/Star Trek II debacle), and given the fact that I was never again able to get a "real" job (i.e. outside UNBC), a part of me believed that I was simply not cut out for "real" work.
On the other hand, though. . . Home Depot kinda sucked. When I was hired, I was assigned to kitchen and bathroom sales-- as many put it, "selling toilets." Fine, I thought as the interview ended. I mean, I know next to nothing about kitchen- and bathroom-ware, but come on, they must assume that, right? They saw my resume, they know what level of home repair background I'm coming from, right? I'll get all the training I need. No sweat.
It turns out that "training" amounted to watching a few hours or useless video-- one of which was all about avoiding back injury by, you know, being careful 'n stuff, another of which was all about Home Depot's program to provide support for employees competing in the Olympics because hey that so applies to us!-- followed by us new workers being thrown out on to the floor and told to help customers. I'm serious. Right after "training", the new employees kicked out of the employee lounge and literally told "you have ten minutes to go out and help these customers", otherwise known as the "learn to swim by drowning" approach.
For the next two weeks, I tried as well as I could to learn the ropes. My immediate supervisor, a former soldier, was a nice enough boss, and I managed to get some stocking work done from time to time, but it wasn't enough to compensate for the systematic problems of working at Home Depot. First, there was lack of training-- one thing that sticks out is one time when, despite having received no formal instruction in how to sell kitchen and bathroom-ware (even info that I could study on my own time), I was told during my third day at work to take off my "In Training" pin, which in addition to being the fracking truth was also my one safety net in dealing with often nerved out customers. Another was the unpredictable hours-- despite assurances that I could work around my class schedule, my work hours more than once overlapped with a class period. I was able to talk to someone to get the hours changed those first couple of times, but I wondered how long I could keep doing that. Yet another problem was the fact I would sometimes get temporarily "transferred" to another store department, like electrical or plumbing or lumber; it was hard enough learning to function in the department in which I was supposed to be working without being thrown into a completely different one. This last problem, undoubtedly, springs from what one good-natured customer described as the Home Depot Experience: "Sixteen hundred square feet, four employees." I knew he was exaggerating, but even at the time, it didn't seem like much of an exaggeration.
And now, today, seven years after I quit, I find official acknowledgement of the Home Depot Experience, in nothing less than The New Yorker:
When Bob Nardelli took over Home Depot, in 2000, he reduced the number of salespeople on the floor and turned many full-time jobs into part-time ones. In the process, he turned Home Depot stores into cavernous wastelands, with customers wandering around dejectedly trying to find an aproned employee, only to discover that he had no useful advice to offer. The company’s customer-service ratings plummeted, and its sales growth stalled.You can read the whole article, which discusses the business advantages retailers have found not cutting fucking corners in floor personnel, here.
As for me, I finally feel some relief about my Home Depot Experience. Or is that Schadenfreude?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Part the last?
Last time. . .
Yeah. . . this gotten a lot bigger than I hoped it would be, and it's honestly becoming more tedious than funny. This is the second part, and probably the last, of my Star Trek II/Family Guy mash up. . . Jesus, even writing that I feel the creativity draining from my body. I guess after being gone from writing for so long, I just wanted to write something, and I figured these jokes had been sort of bouncing in my head for a while, and April Fools was coming up, so. . . yeah. So here it is.
The following is a parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay, Main Area
TERRELL and CHEKOV are held by four strong men-- including a BEARDED, DISHEVELED JOAQUIN PHOENIX (JOAQUIN from now on)-- while KHAN stands before them. (Note: Khan is still masked, so our heroes don't recognize him yet). Khan then SLOWLY REMOVES his outer clothing. Very slowly. Layer after layer after layer for a good thirty seconds or so. Then, finally, the mask comes off, revealing the white haired, bare-pecked superman himself.
CHEKOV
(gasps)
Khan!
KHAN
(to Terrell)
I don't know you. . .
(to Chekov)
But you. . . I never forget a face. Mister. . .Oro, isn't it?
CHEKOV
(nervous, shifty-eyed)
. . . I don't know what you're talking about--
KHAN
(excited)
Yeah yeah yeah! You were totally Oro from The Starlost, man!
CHEKOV
(even more nervous, stuttering)
I-I've never even been to Canada!
TERRELL
Chekov, who is this man?!
CHEKOV
A criminal, captain. A product of late twentieth century genetic engineering.
TERRELL
What do you want with us? I demand --
KHAN
You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk.
TERRELL
(to others)
Listen to me, you men and women -- !
KHAN
Save your strength, Captain, these people, incuding my right hand man, Joaquin--
CUTAWAY to JOAQUIN.
JOAQUIN
(mumbling)
You're doing great. . .
KHAN
-- uh, yeah, thanks. They have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born.
(pause)
Do you mean. . . he (i.e. Chekov) never told you the tale? To amuse you, Captain? Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze?
TERRELL
You mean like in Demolition Man?
KHAN
(angry)
No, not like in--!
(calm)
Well, that was in 1996, too. I guess I can see the confusion--
TERRELL
Well, I've never even met Admiral Kirk.
KHAN
Admiral? He didn't tell you how Admiral Kirk sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us?
CHEKOV
You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life, a fair chance to--
KHAN
(loud, drawn out, lots of spittle, kinda like "This Is Sparta!")
THIS IS CE-TI AL-PHA FIIIIVVVVEEE!
KHAN clears his throat. One of Khan's soldiers hands him bottled water. Khan takes a sip.
Oh, that's better. Yeah, Ceti Alpha VI built a Hadron Collider, and of course it created a black hole, blah blah blah, and, y'know. . . it was a whole thing. Anyway, Admiral Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that enabled us to survive!
CHEKOV
Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him.
KHAN
You. . . didn't expect to find me. You thought. . . this was Ceti Alpha VI.
CHEKOV
Is that your superior intellect at work?
KHAN
Silence!
KHAN-- being the size of infant Stewie-- GRABS CHEKOV BY THE FOOT AND FLIPS HIM OVER.
CUT TO:
CU of CETI EEL TANK.
KHAN
Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.
KHAN uses TWEEZERS to PULL OUT A PAIR OF DISGUSTING CETI EELS. As he shows off the eels, we pan to a CU of KHAN.
KHAN
What do you think? They killed twenty of my people--
CUT AWAY to a photo of RUPERT.
KHAN
-- including my beloved wife. Oh, not all at once, and not instantly, to be sure.
(beat)
You ever have a really irritating by at the same time really catchy song that you just can't get out of your head? It just enters through your ears and wraps itself around your cerebral cortex? Then you become susceptible to suggestion, which is followed by madness and death? It's kinda like that.
The STRONG MEN hold TERRELL and CHEKOV in place as KHAN DROPS THE EELS into their helmets. The eels slowly CRAWL INTO THEIR EARS, and we begin to hear what TERRELL and CHEKOV are going through.
REBECCA BLACK(V.O.)
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! (etc. etc.)
TERRELL and CHEKOV scream in agony as we--
CUT TO
EXT, FS of ENTERPRISE in orbit at space dock. A SHUTTLECRAFT flies into frame, heading toward the ship.
CUT TO:
INT, ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEBAY. SPOCK, SAAVIK, and SCOTTY (JOE, who for now walks fully upright) along with dozens of CADETS, have gathered to welcome CAPTAIN KIRK, who steps off the shuttle, followed by BONES, UHURA, and SULU.
EVERYONE
(like in Cheers)
KIRK!
KIRK
(to SPOCK)
Permission to come aboard, Captain.
SPOCK
Permission granted. I think you know my training crew. Certainly they have come to know you.
KIRK
(to SAAVIK)
Yes, we've been through death. . . and life together.
SAAVIK glares a KIRK.
KIRK
(to Scotty)
Mister Scott, you old space dog!
SCOTTY
Sir, allow me to introduce Midshipman Peter Preston, engineers mate.
SCOTTY introduces PRESTON, young, stiff, in a white engineer's uniform. He gives a big salute.
PRESTON
Sir!
KIRK
Midshipman.
(beat)
That's a red shirt you got there, son. A damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh. . . my uniform's white, sir.
KIRK
Damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh, yes sir.
KIRK
(out of no-where)
God, I hate inspections. Mr. Scott, are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise?
SCOTTY
Just give the word, sir.
KIRK
Mr. Scott, the word is given.
CUT TO
EXT. FS of ENTERPRISE, clearing the moorings, bombastic music swelling.
CUT TO:
EXT, FS of REGULA STATION, in orbit of the barren planet REGULA I.
CHEKOV(V.O.)
... come in, please. This is the Reliant calling Regula One. Repeat. This is USS Reliant -
CUT TO:
INT, REGULA STATION. BS of CAROL MARCUS (LOIS) sitting at a comm station. We can see CHEKOV on a screen in front of Carol.
CAROL
Commander, we are receiving. This is Regula One. Go ahead.
CHEKOV
Ah, Doctor Marcus... good. We're en route to you and should be there in three days.
CAROL
En route? Why? We weren't expecting you for another three months. Has something happened?
CHEKOV
We have received new orders. Upon our arrival at Regula One, all materials of Project Genesis will be transferred to this ship for immediate testing on Ceti Alpha Six.
CAROL'S son, DAVID (CHRIS), stands over her shoulder.
DAVID
Who in the hell do they think they are?! Who gave the order?!
CHEKOV
(pause)
The orders came from Admiral James T. Kirk.
DAVID
I knew it! I knew it! All along the military's wanted to get their hands on this -
CAROL
This has to be some sort of mistake. Starfleet has kept the peace for a hundred years. I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event.
DAVID
(confused)
"Subscribe to my interpretation?" "Subscribe," what, like a magazine?
CAROL
No, what I mean is don't buy into it--
DAVID
Then why don't you just say that--?
CHEKOV
I'm sorry you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out.
CUT TO:
INT, Reliant bridge, BS of CHEKOV at comm. He cuts communications, and we pull back to reveal KHAN standing behind him.
KHAN
Well done, Commander.
CHEKOV
You realize, sir, that they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.
We then hear JOAQUIN, talking from his post.
JOAQUIN
You know. . . you're kinda freakin' me out here. You're all hung up on, y'know, Kirk, and. . . it's weirdin' me out. . .
KHAN
He tasks me! He tasks me! And I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares malestrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
To be. . . continued?
Yeah. . . this gotten a lot bigger than I hoped it would be, and it's honestly becoming more tedious than funny. This is the second part, and probably the last, of my Star Trek II/Family Guy mash up. . . Jesus, even writing that I feel the creativity draining from my body. I guess after being gone from writing for so long, I just wanted to write something, and I figured these jokes had been sort of bouncing in my head for a while, and April Fools was coming up, so. . . yeah. So here it is.
The following is a parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay, Main Area
TERRELL and CHEKOV are held by four strong men-- including a BEARDED, DISHEVELED JOAQUIN PHOENIX (JOAQUIN from now on)-- while KHAN stands before them. (Note: Khan is still masked, so our heroes don't recognize him yet). Khan then SLOWLY REMOVES his outer clothing. Very slowly. Layer after layer after layer for a good thirty seconds or so. Then, finally, the mask comes off, revealing the white haired, bare-pecked superman himself.
CHEKOV
(gasps)
Khan!
KHAN
(to Terrell)
I don't know you. . .
(to Chekov)
But you. . . I never forget a face. Mister. . .Oro, isn't it?
CHEKOV
(nervous, shifty-eyed)
. . . I don't know what you're talking about--
KHAN
(excited)
Yeah yeah yeah! You were totally Oro from The Starlost, man!
CHEKOV
(even more nervous, stuttering)
I-I've never even been to Canada!
TERRELL
Chekov, who is this man?!
CHEKOV
A criminal, captain. A product of late twentieth century genetic engineering.
TERRELL
What do you want with us? I demand --
KHAN
You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk.
TERRELL
(to others)
Listen to me, you men and women -- !
KHAN
Save your strength, Captain, these people, incuding my right hand man, Joaquin--
CUTAWAY to JOAQUIN.
JOAQUIN
(mumbling)
You're doing great. . .
KHAN
-- uh, yeah, thanks. They have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born.
(pause)
Do you mean. . . he (i.e. Chekov) never told you the tale? To amuse you, Captain? Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze?
TERRELL
You mean like in Demolition Man?
KHAN
(angry)
No, not like in--!
(calm)
Well, that was in 1996, too. I guess I can see the confusion--
TERRELL
Well, I've never even met Admiral Kirk.
KHAN
Admiral? He didn't tell you how Admiral Kirk sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us?
CHEKOV
You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life, a fair chance to--
KHAN
(loud, drawn out, lots of spittle, kinda like "This Is Sparta!")
THIS IS CE-TI AL-PHA FIIIIVVVVEEE!
KHAN clears his throat. One of Khan's soldiers hands him bottled water. Khan takes a sip.
Oh, that's better. Yeah, Ceti Alpha VI built a Hadron Collider, and of course it created a black hole, blah blah blah, and, y'know. . . it was a whole thing. Anyway, Admiral Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that enabled us to survive!
CHEKOV
Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him.
KHAN
You. . . didn't expect to find me. You thought. . . this was Ceti Alpha VI.
CHEKOV
Is that your superior intellect at work?
KHAN
Silence!
KHAN-- being the size of infant Stewie-- GRABS CHEKOV BY THE FOOT AND FLIPS HIM OVER.
CUT TO:
CU of CETI EEL TANK.
KHAN
Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.
KHAN uses TWEEZERS to PULL OUT A PAIR OF DISGUSTING CETI EELS. As he shows off the eels, we pan to a CU of KHAN.
KHAN
What do you think? They killed twenty of my people--
CUT AWAY to a photo of RUPERT.
KHAN
-- including my beloved wife. Oh, not all at once, and not instantly, to be sure.
(beat)
You ever have a really irritating by at the same time really catchy song that you just can't get out of your head? It just enters through your ears and wraps itself around your cerebral cortex? Then you become susceptible to suggestion, which is followed by madness and death? It's kinda like that.
The STRONG MEN hold TERRELL and CHEKOV in place as KHAN DROPS THE EELS into their helmets. The eels slowly CRAWL INTO THEIR EARS, and we begin to hear what TERRELL and CHEKOV are going through.
REBECCA BLACK(V.O.)
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! (etc. etc.)
TERRELL and CHEKOV scream in agony as we--
CUT TO
EXT, FS of ENTERPRISE in orbit at space dock. A SHUTTLECRAFT flies into frame, heading toward the ship.
CUT TO:
INT, ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEBAY. SPOCK, SAAVIK, and SCOTTY (JOE, who for now walks fully upright) along with dozens of CADETS, have gathered to welcome CAPTAIN KIRK, who steps off the shuttle, followed by BONES, UHURA, and SULU.
EVERYONE
(like in Cheers)
KIRK!
KIRK
(to SPOCK)
Permission to come aboard, Captain.
SPOCK
Permission granted. I think you know my training crew. Certainly they have come to know you.
KIRK
(to SAAVIK)
Yes, we've been through death. . . and life together.
SAAVIK glares a KIRK.
KIRK
(to Scotty)
Mister Scott, you old space dog!
SCOTTY
Sir, allow me to introduce Midshipman Peter Preston, engineers mate.
SCOTTY introduces PRESTON, young, stiff, in a white engineer's uniform. He gives a big salute.
PRESTON
Sir!
KIRK
Midshipman.
(beat)
That's a red shirt you got there, son. A damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh. . . my uniform's white, sir.
KIRK
Damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh, yes sir.
KIRK
(out of no-where)
God, I hate inspections. Mr. Scott, are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise?
SCOTTY
Just give the word, sir.
KIRK
Mr. Scott, the word is given.
CUT TO
EXT. FS of ENTERPRISE, clearing the moorings, bombastic music swelling.
CUT TO:
EXT, FS of REGULA STATION, in orbit of the barren planet REGULA I.
CHEKOV(V.O.)
... come in, please. This is the Reliant calling Regula One. Repeat. This is USS Reliant -
CUT TO:
INT, REGULA STATION. BS of CAROL MARCUS (LOIS) sitting at a comm station. We can see CHEKOV on a screen in front of Carol.
CAROL
Commander, we are receiving. This is Regula One. Go ahead.
CHEKOV
Ah, Doctor Marcus... good. We're en route to you and should be there in three days.
CAROL
En route? Why? We weren't expecting you for another three months. Has something happened?
CHEKOV
We have received new orders. Upon our arrival at Regula One, all materials of Project Genesis will be transferred to this ship for immediate testing on Ceti Alpha Six.
CAROL'S son, DAVID (CHRIS), stands over her shoulder.
DAVID
Who in the hell do they think they are?! Who gave the order?!
CHEKOV
(pause)
The orders came from Admiral James T. Kirk.
DAVID
I knew it! I knew it! All along the military's wanted to get their hands on this -
CAROL
This has to be some sort of mistake. Starfleet has kept the peace for a hundred years. I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event.
DAVID
(confused)
"Subscribe to my interpretation?" "Subscribe," what, like a magazine?
CAROL
No, what I mean is don't buy into it--
DAVID
Then why don't you just say that--?
CHEKOV
I'm sorry you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out.
CUT TO:
INT, Reliant bridge, BS of CHEKOV at comm. He cuts communications, and we pull back to reveal KHAN standing behind him.
KHAN
Well done, Commander.
CHEKOV
You realize, sir, that they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.
We then hear JOAQUIN, talking from his post.
JOAQUIN
You know. . . you're kinda freakin' me out here. You're all hung up on, y'know, Kirk, and. . . it's weirdin' me out. . .
KHAN
He tasks me! He tasks me! And I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares malestrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
To be. . . continued?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Actual Idea I Had for April Fools Day Post, Part I
I Can't Stress Enough How Actual This Actual Idea Was. . .
I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:
You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!
*********************************************************************************
Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
by Jeremy K.
A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.
CUT TO:
INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.
GRIFFIN FAMILY
(grumbling)
Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)
PETER
(abruptly)
Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.
LOIS
(surprised)
. . . what?
PETER
Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.
CHRIS
Uh, Dad--
PETER
-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?
BRIAN
Uh, Peter--
PETER
I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!
(beat)
Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?
MEG
Dad, they did--
LOIS
(interrupting)
It's nothing, Peter.
PETER
No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.
MEG
(catching on)
Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.
LOIS
Unimportant.
STEWIE
Totally only three Star Wars movies.
BRIAN
(fake anger)
Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.
CHRIS
Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)
PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.
PETER
Are you hiding something from me?
Everyone else is silent.
PETER
Lois!
LOIS
(reluctant)
Peter. . .
BRIAN
Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
PETER
(realizing what he's discovered)
Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!
STEWIE
It's not. It's really not.
PETER
(leaps off the couch)
I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!
(sing-yelling)
STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!
(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)
NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--
CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK
TITLE
One savaged and molested innocence later.
CUT TO:
INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--
LOIS
(gently)
. . . Peter--
PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.
PETER
(screaming)
WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!
PETER breaks down and sobs.
*********************************************************************************
We open on pure black. Then--
TITLE
The 23rd Century. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--
TITLE
Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.
TITLE
I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .
CUT TO:
INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.
CUT TO:
WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.
SAAVIK
Any suggestions, Admiral?
KIRK
Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.
(to Spock)
Captain?
SPOCK
(opens eyes)
Trainees to the briefing room.
The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.
KIRK
Physician--
(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)
Heal Thyself.
Cut to CU of McCoy.
MCCOY
Fuck you.
Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.
SAAVIK
Permission to speak candidly, sir?
KIRK
(contemptuously)
Very well.
SAAVIK
(fighting emotion)
I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--
KIRK
(mocking, whiny)
Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?
SAAVIK
(loses it)
Because you cheated, you ass!
KIRK
(cocky, self-inflated)
Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!
SAAVIK
No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!
KIRK
(as Saavik goes on)
But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!
Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps into frame.
WILL SMITH
If you know what I'm sayin'!
Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.
KIRK
We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.
SAAVIK
-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!
KIRK
(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)
You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.
SAAVIK
That's QED, moron!
KIRK
Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.
CUT TO:
INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.
SPOCK
(into communicator)
Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?
CUT TO:
INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.
KIRK
(beat, then into hand communicator)
Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.
SPOCK
(through communicator)
Aye aye, sir.
KIRK closes communicator.
KIRK
(to ORION WOMAN)
Say it again.
ORION WOMAN
(sexy)
May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?
KIRK
(aroused)
Ohhh yeah.
ORION WOMAN
I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.
We CUT TO:
EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).
CHEKOV(V.O.)
Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.
CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).
CHEKOV
Does it have to be completely lifeless?
TERRELL
Don't tell me you got something?
CHEKOV
I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.
TERRELL
You mean like Tyler Lautner?
CHEKOV
. . . what?
(beat)
Why on Earth did you say that?
TERRELL
. . . I have no idea.
CHEKOV
What a weird, random thing to say!
TERRELL
And hurtful, too!
CHEKKOV
Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!
TERRELL
Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.
CUT TO:
EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.
CUT TO:
INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.
CHEKOV
Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary, Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--
ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.
CHEKOV
Oh no!
CUT TO:
INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.
CHEKOV
We have to go!
TERRELL
What's the matter-- ?
CHEKOV
Now! Damn! Hurry!
CUT TO:
EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--
CUT TO:
FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.
CUT TO:
CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.
To be continued. . .
I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:
You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!
*********************************************************************************
Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
by Jeremy K.
A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.
CUT TO:
INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.
GRIFFIN FAMILY
(grumbling)
Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)
PETER
(abruptly)
Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.
LOIS
(surprised)
. . . what?
PETER
Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.
CHRIS
Uh, Dad--
PETER
-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?
BRIAN
Uh, Peter--
PETER
I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!
(beat)
Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?
MEG
Dad, they did--
LOIS
(interrupting)
It's nothing, Peter.
PETER
No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.
MEG
(catching on)
Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.
LOIS
Unimportant.
STEWIE
Totally only three Star Wars movies.
BRIAN
(fake anger)
Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.
CHRIS
Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)
PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.
PETER
Are you hiding something from me?
Everyone else is silent.
PETER
Lois!
LOIS
(reluctant)
Peter. . .
BRIAN
Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
PETER
(realizing what he's discovered)
Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!
STEWIE
It's not. It's really not.
PETER
(leaps off the couch)
I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!
(sing-yelling)
STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!
(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)
NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--
CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK
TITLE
One savaged and molested innocence later.
CUT TO:
INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--
LOIS
(gently)
. . . Peter--
PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.
PETER
(screaming)
WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!
PETER breaks down and sobs.
*********************************************************************************
We open on pure black. Then--
TITLE
The 23rd Century. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--
TITLE
Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.
TITLE
I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .
CUT TO:
INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.
CUT TO:
WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.
SAAVIK
Any suggestions, Admiral?
KIRK
Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.
(to Spock)
Captain?
SPOCK
(opens eyes)
Trainees to the briefing room.
The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.
KIRK
Physician--
(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)
Heal Thyself.
Cut to CU of McCoy.
MCCOY
Fuck you.
Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.
SAAVIK
Permission to speak candidly, sir?
KIRK
(contemptuously)
Very well.
SAAVIK
(fighting emotion)
I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--
KIRK
(mocking, whiny)
Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?
SAAVIK
(loses it)
Because you cheated, you ass!
KIRK
(cocky, self-inflated)
Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!
SAAVIK
No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!
KIRK
(as Saavik goes on)
But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!
Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps into frame.
WILL SMITH
If you know what I'm sayin'!
Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.
KIRK
We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.
SAAVIK
-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!
KIRK
(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)
You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.
SAAVIK
That's QED, moron!
KIRK
Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.
CUT TO:
INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.
SPOCK
(into communicator)
Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?
CUT TO:
INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.
KIRK
(beat, then into hand communicator)
Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.
SPOCK
(through communicator)
Aye aye, sir.
KIRK closes communicator.
KIRK
(to ORION WOMAN)
Say it again.
ORION WOMAN
(sexy)
May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?
KIRK
(aroused)
Ohhh yeah.
ORION WOMAN
I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.
We CUT TO:
EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).
CHEKOV(V.O.)
Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.
CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).
CHEKOV
Does it have to be completely lifeless?
TERRELL
Don't tell me you got something?
CHEKOV
I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.
TERRELL
You mean like Tyler Lautner?
CHEKOV
. . . what?
(beat)
Why on Earth did you say that?
TERRELL
. . . I have no idea.
CHEKOV
What a weird, random thing to say!
TERRELL
And hurtful, too!
CHEKKOV
Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!
TERRELL
Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.
CUT TO:
EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.
CUT TO:
INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.
CHEKOV
Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary, Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--
ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.
CHEKOV
Oh no!
CUT TO:
INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.
CHEKOV
We have to go!
TERRELL
What's the matter-- ?
CHEKOV
Now! Damn! Hurry!
CUT TO:
EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--
CUT TO:
FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.
CUT TO:
CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.
To be continued. . .
Friday, March 2, 2012
Would "Hot to Trotsky" be a good slogan for faceless Marxist-Leninism? How 'bout "Quit Stalin' and Get with the Five Year Program"?
One of the first things I ever remember actually having to learn was tying my shoelaces. Maybe it was because this was one of the very first complex motor skills I ever had learn, and so required more deliberate, active cognitive internalization than anything I had ever learned before up to that point. Or maybe it's because I learned it from my Dad, who subscribes to the philosophy that if someone doesn't understand what he's trying to teach them, it's because he's not yelling loudly enough*. In any event, the memory of learning how to tie my shoes (as opposed to the knowledge in and of itself) still resonates with me a good twenty-four years after the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I'm getting old!
. . . anyway. Understandably, shoelace tying remains a bit of a touchy subject for me. Which is why this really grabbed my attention:
Thoughts that ran through my head as I read this:
1) Nerds make everything awesome. I am of course referring to real Nerds and not whatever those things on The Big Bang Theory are. Because fuck The Big Bang Theory.
2) Where the hell was this when I was learning how to tie my shoes? Seriously!
3) Wait, am I-- yup! I'm doing it right! Thanks Dad! No Granny shoes for me!
Next time, I'll find some random post about clocks or something and it'll remind me about learning how to tell time, or I'll play some Flash remake of "Number Crunchers" and remember torturous math drills in my kitchen. My childhood: It's Fannnntastic™.
* Slavs: Brought to you by Soviet Repression™, and by Old World Social Values™, makers of "Women and Children are Property".
. . . anyway. Understandably, shoelace tying remains a bit of a touchy subject for me. Which is why this really grabbed my attention:
Thoughts that ran through my head as I read this:
1) Nerds make everything awesome. I am of course referring to real Nerds and not whatever those things on The Big Bang Theory are. Because fuck The Big Bang Theory.
2) Where the hell was this when I was learning how to tie my shoes? Seriously!
3) Wait, am I-- yup! I'm doing it right! Thanks Dad! No Granny shoes for me!
Next time, I'll find some random post about clocks or something and it'll remind me about learning how to tell time, or I'll play some Flash remake of "Number Crunchers" and remember torturous math drills in my kitchen. My childhood: It's Fannnntastic™.
* Slavs: Brought to you by Soviet Repression™, and by Old World Social Values™, makers of "Women and Children are Property".
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Disco! Disco Horse! (Neigh!)
Man, disco versions of movie soundtracks are BACK baby!
I just hope it loads. . .
UPDATE: It looks like this'll only work in the states, so if you're American, enjoy.
I just hope it loads. . .
UPDATE: It looks like this'll only work in the states, so if you're American, enjoy.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
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