Jeremy's Last Entry Gets an. . .
But seriously. . . My apologies for the delay, but it's been kind of a weird week.
If you haven't read Part #8 yet, you should do that before reading this. Like Part #7.5, it refers to things that I would change (or things that just kinda bug me) about a previously posted script excerpt. This won't be quite as organized as #7.5-- it's just a (surely incomplete) list of things that still need to be dealt with, in whatever order I happen to remember them in.
- I'm still not sure I've adequately justified Luna abandoning her search for Jessy and pursuing Mamoru instead. Maybe I need to make it more clear earlier in the film that not just anything sets off the Luna-sense.
- Luna noticing Mamoru climbing out of the building, but not the police officer, seems a little implausible. Any half-decent police officer, even lacking the neccessary backup, would have his eye on any possible escape routes, especially things like fire escapes. Possible ways to adress this:
. . . . Make it more clear that the particular fire escape from which Mamoru escapes is located a fair ways away from the door he entered (it's right near the entrance to the alley, while the door in which he entered is in the middle of the alley)
. . . . Maybe have someone just happen to come out of another exit at the other end of the alley right when Mamoru is climbing out(you've probably noticed that Mamoru has some incredible luck when it comes to these sorts of things).
. . . . Make it more clear that the reason Luna notices Mamoru is because of the Luna-sense (though this is kinda the same as when they're at the metro. . .)
- Speaking of the metro. . . After writing Part #8, I looked up some info on the kind of security the Tokyo metro has, particularly in terms of security cameras. It seems as though there are plenty of cameras at the stations, but not on the trains themselves. I reason I was concerned about this was because if there were cameras on the train, it would make the switcheroo involving "Double" a lot more complicated. So far, it looks like this is okay, but I'll still keep an eye out.
- Another point about the metro, and a nitpicky one at that. When I was writing the scene with Luna and the toddler, I imagined the train car they were in as being almost entirely empty. Yet, when I wrote the scene with Mamoru and "Double", the train was slightly more populated (at least in my mind). Why would the train be virtually abandoned at one point in the evening, and then have more passengers later on? Like I said, a nitpick, and one that can probably be easily fixed. Still, it bugs me. . .
- Is there actually enough room for Luna on the connector hinge? If not, where could she hang on to the train? (yeah, another stupid nitpick. . .)
- Finally, just a way to improve the final scene. The three men therin are already established to be medical students. Maybe make it clear that they're actually interns who work at a hospital (a scary thought, I know) and have them actually within a couple of blocks of the hospital at which they're interning when they meet with Luna. This leads to another joke ("Gee, sirens? Near a hospital? Get outta town!") and also sets up for something that will be important to the overall plot. . .
Till next time. . .
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