Monday, January 3, 2011

Wherein I Parody the Entire Sailor Moon Franchise in Under Five Minutes!

CUT TO:

EXT, Tokyo Big Sight, Waterfront Park, DAY

In the background, about a hundred meters away, we see the massive Tokyo Big Sight Convention Center. Contrary to expectations, the place is swarming with fans, many of whom are dressed in costume. In the foreground, at a small waterfront park, USAGI sits at a bench, near some bushes, holding an open binder on her lap. Inside the binder, USAGI is drawing a picture, although we can't quite see what exactly she's drawing. A few pieces of SAILOR V memorabilia lay on the bench next to USAGI. After a moment of drawing, USAGI looks up to the water in front of her.

CUT TO: USAGI'S POV. We see a masted ship docked some ways down the waterfront. Nearer to USAGI, fish occasionally lear out of the water.

LUNA(O.S.)

Usagi?

CUT TO: Full shot of USAGI, with LUNA standing in the bushes behind her. USAGI, carrying the binder and the memorabilia, goes into the bushes.

USAGI

Any luck?

LUNA

No. Apparently, the phrase "business and media only" means every cosplayer from here to Sapporo is still allowed to come, they just have to hang around outside. That means more security. Every entrance is being checked thoroughly. I could get in, maybe. But not you. Not without a disguise.

(sees binder)

So what were you doing?

USAGI

Oh, I, uh. . .

LUNA comes in to take a closer look at USAGI'S drawing.

USAGI

I was just, y'know, visualizing.

We CUT TO: LUNA'S POV, showing USAGI'S drawing. It consists of five sailor-suited heroines in heroic pose, all wearing tiaras and eyemasks. USAGI stands in the center: her hair, still done up in her trademark odango style, is now silver instead of blonde. In addition to the standard uniform, she also wears a cape and carries a large pistol at her side. SAILOR V stands to her right. To her left is a warrior in a blue and white uniform, with various cybernetic implants and a blue visor in place of the standard mask. To USAGI'S left is a warrior in a red and white uniform, more elegant and elaborate than the rest. To that soldier's left is a very tall, very muscular warrior in a green and white uniform, smoking a cigarette. At the far edge of the paper, we see USAGI'S drawings of NARU and UMINO, cheering the warriors on.

LUNA(O.S.)

I . . . see.

USAGI(O.S.)

I just grabbed my pencil and, well, drew whatever came to me.

CUT TO: Two shot of USAGI and LUNA.

USAGI

Thought it might jog some memories.

LUNA

That's. . . um. . . well, I. . . I don't think there were any robots in--

USAGI

Cyborgs.

LUNA

What?

USAGI

She's not a robot, she's a cyborg.

LUNA

Ah. Well, there weren't any cyborgs in the ancient kingdom. Or cigarettes.

USAGI

Well, that's just artistic license.

LUNA

A cape would probably just get in the way.

USAGI

Not if I'm careful!

LUNA

And is that a gun?

USAGI

Well, yeah. If I'm gonna take out monsters, I may as well do it with some flair. Besides, it's not just any gun, it's, y'know, magic, and stuff.

(pause)

I'm not even close, am I?

LUNA

No, no, um. . . you got the right number of people. Except one of them is the Princess.

USAGI

(whispering)

The Princess! Crap!

LUNA

And you Sailor V is pretty--

LUNA catches a glimpse of the Sailor V memorabilia, realizing that USAGI copied her Sailor V off of a poster. Then she looks up at USAGI, realizing she's holding the DISGUISE PEN in her hand.

LUNA

Usagi, were you using the disguise pen to draw that?

USAGI

Oh, yeah. I was. And talk about convenience! Did you know that this pen, on top of it's obvious disguise applications, can also be used for writing and drawing? Who knew?

LUNA

Have you even tried to transform into anything since I've been gone?

USAGI

(frustrated)

Yes, I tried! I tried closing my eyes, picturing all kinds of outfits in my mind. Nothing. Then I tried. . . incantations.

LUNA

Incantations?

USAGI sighs, and holds up the pen.

USAGI

Magic disguise pen power! Change me into a--

CUT TO: USAGI'S POV. We see the masted ship.

USAGI(O.S.)

-- sea captain, or a--

We pan right, to a passenger airliner approaching Haneda airport.

USAGI(O.S.)

-- flight attendant.

CUT TO: USAGI and LUNA.

USAGI

Nothing.

(beat)

You know, whoever thought a disguise PEN was a good idea. . . is probably dead. But he's still an idiot.

LUNA sighs.

USAGI

You know what I would have done instead?

(beat)

A cell phone.

LUNA

What?

USAGI

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. Way more sense than a pen. No-one would question why I'm talking to a cell phone. I'd flip out a cell phone and say "change me into whatever." Actually, cell phones have built in cameras too, so I wouldn't even need any of this "picture in your mind" crap. I could just take pictures of whoever I wanted to become and store them on the phone's memory for later use!

LUNA nods her head-- that actually sort of makes sense to her.

CUT TO: USAGI'S POV. Usagi follows a business-woman as she passes by.

USAGI

Just point at the disguise you want. . .

USAGI raises the pen so it's in line with the woman.

USAGI

And. . .

CUT TO: A close up of the pen as USAGI pushes the button.

USAGI

Click!

We pan up USAGI'S arm, into a full body shot, revealing that she's now wearing the same outfit as the woman! USAGI quickly realizes what has happened and screams in shock, attracting the attention of passers-by, including the business-woman. After staring at her for a moment, they continue on their way.

LUNA

It worked!

USAGI

It . . . worked.

LUNA

Do it again!

USAGI

Do it. . . how?

LUNA

Look at someone else and try it again!

USAGI looks around, eventually spotting a trashy looking woman with bleached hair.

USAGI

Oh-ho-ho!

USAGI raises the pen and clicks-- presto! She's in the same trashy outfit as the woman, with the same bleached hair-do and overdone make-up. USAGI admires her new look.

LUNA

This would be the part where I mention that the disguise pen is NOT a toy.

USAGI

This is awesome!

USAGI starts walking down the path, flaunting her look.

USAGI

Oh Man!

After a couple of steps, USAGI realizes that something is off. She wiggles her hips, presses her thighs together, and immediately blushes in disgust and horror.

USAGI

Oh. . . my God!

USAGI quickly points the pen at someone else, instantly transforming into more conservative attire. She wiggles her thighs again, and breathes a sigh of relief.

LUNA

Okay Usagi, we know how works now, so let's be careful from here on out.

USAGI

You're the one who told me to try it again!

LUNA

Yeah, yeah.

USAGI looks off toward some of the cosplayers in the distance.

USAGI

Actually, I have an idea.

We CUT TO: A still shot of USAGI, dressed as a biker.

USAGI

Sometimes a fearless biker!

CUT TO: Another still shot of USAGI, now disguised as a nurse.

USAGI

Sometimes a caring nurse!

CUT TO: LUNA, lying down, covering her face with her paws.

LUNA

What have I done?

CUT TO: USAGI, still dressed as a nurse, scanning the cosplayers in the distance.

USAGI

But in reality. . .

CUT TO: USAGI'S POV. We pan across the cosplayers, stopping on a young woman dressed as SAILOR V. In a flash, the screen goes white. Then, from left frame, USAGI emerges, in profile, bathed in white light, dressed as SAILOR V-- complete with blonde wig.

USAGI

Sailor Suited Soldier--

CUT TO: A similar shot, only with USAGI emerging from right frame.

USAGI

-- of Love and--

USAGI, and the music, pause. USAGI removes the blonde wig and throws it to the ground, revealing that her own hair has been tied up into a tight bun. She, and the music, resume.

USAGI

-- Love and beauty!

CUT TO: A close up shot of USAGI'S hand, raised in the air. Zoom out to reveal USAGI, doing her best to mimic SAILOR V'S iconic poses.

USAGI

SAILOR. . .

(pause)

Luna, we need to think of a name.

LUNA groans.

USAGI

I was thinking of Sailor R, you know, like rabbit?

USAGI undoes her hair and refashions it into her trademark Odango.

LUNA

Realistically, you're not gonna have time to give a speech like that.

USAGI

That's not the point. I'm visualizing, remember?

LUNA

You're goofing off is what you're doing. You do remember you have a friend in hospital, right?

USAGI is taken aback for a moment, but then regains her composure.

USAGI

Luna, who got the disguise pen to work?

LUNA groans.

USAGI

What was that? Who got it to work?

LUNA

You are a chi--

USAGI

That's right, I did! So. . . Sailor R?

LUNA

(sighs)

Whatever floats your boat.

USAGI

Yeah, I'm not really feeling Sailor R. I'll think of another name later.

LUNA grits her teeth.

USAGI

For now. . . the enemy is on the loose.

USAGI points at a random tree.

USAGI

(to tree)

A fan devotes her energy to what she loves, and in doing so helps true art thrive!

LUNA

What?

USAGI

(to LUNA)

The fans, Luna? There's a monster--

(points to tree)

--trying to siphon off the energy of the fans.

(points to the crowd, and then back to tree)

And I will not stand for such loathable cowardice,--

LUNA

Loathable?

USAGI

--for I am . . .

(thinks for a moment)

Sailor R!

LUNA

You just said you weren't--

USAGI

And I am here to punish ALL those who would do evil. . . things.

(points to tree)

And THAT, my friend. . . THAT is what YOU. . .are!

(beat)

Yeah, that's gonna need a bit of work.

USAGI engages her arboreal foe in PGSM-style "Ballet Fu," complete with the classic PGSM fight music. We watch this embarrassing display for a few seconds, and then--

CUT TO: A long shot of USAGI and LUNA. In the foreground, a couple of longshoremen observe and discuss USAGI'S strange spectacle.

LONGSHOREMAN #1

What did I tell you? These conventions always bring them out.

LONGSHOREMAN #2

Are you sure she's alright?

LS #1 shrugs.

LS #2

Who's she talking to, anyway?

LS #1

The tree, I think.

LS #2

What did the tree do, anyway?

LS #1

How the hell should I know?

(beat)

I think she was talking to that stray cat a minute ago, too.

LS #2

Poor cat. One minute, he's looking for a little food, a little companionship. Next thing he knows, he's being dragged into some poor girl's delusional fit.

LS #1

And you know what the crazy thing is?

(beat)

I've been watching this for so long, I can almost hear the damn cat talking back her!

The LONGSHOREMEN laugh.

CUT TO:

USAGI and LUNA. USAGI walks back up to LUNA, exhausted from her battle.

USAGI

(panting)

Okay, I've beaten it into submission. . . So what happens now? Does it explode or something?

LUNA

Ugh.

USAGI

Luna!

LUNA

No, Usagi, you're not done yet. The enemies you'll be dealing with, they're not exactly. . . physical. You can't just beat them to death. You need something. . . more.

USAGI

Like what?

LUNA

Well. . . Your tiara.

USAGI

My tiara?

(points to the wig on the ground)

You mean. . . ?

LUNA

Yes, that one.

USAGI

. . . Okay.

USAGI runs over to the discarded wig and breaks off the attached plastic tiara. She then raises the tiara over her head, holding it like a dagger, and runs toward the tree.

USAGI

AAAGGHHH!

LUNA

Usagi?!

USAGI starts stabbing at the tree with her tiara.

USAGI

Gah! Gah! GA-AH!

LUNA

No, no, no! Usagi, stop! Stop!

USAGI stops.

LUNA

Usagi, you throw it!

USAGI looks back at the tree.

USAGI

I throw it?

LUNA

Yes.

USAGI puts some distance between her and the tree.

LUNA

"Like a flash of twilight, it soars across the sky, cutting through our foes like the Moon through the clouds."

USAGI

More ancient tongue?

LUNA

Yes.

USAGI

Right.

(beat)

'Cause throwing a tiara makes way more sense than a gun.

USAGI throws the tiara overhand. It slams into the ground a few feet before the tree.

LUNA

Usagi!

USAGI

Dammit!

USAGI runs over and picks up the tiara.

LUNA

Is any of this working? At all?

(beat)

Is this jarring ANY memories whatsoever?

USAGI looks down at the tiara. Then, almost impulsively, she throws the tiara like a frisbee. The tiara flies rights past the tree-- toward a group of cosplayers.

USAGI

Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh--

The tiara flies toward one of the cosplayers and becomes lodged in her wig. The cosplayer doesn't even notice-- in fact, the tiara looks pretty good sticking out of the wig. USAGI and LUNA observe this for a moment.

USAGI

So. . . shall we?

Click here to continue.

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