Actual Idea I Had for April Fools Day Post, Part I

I Can't Stress Enough How Actual This Actual Idea Was. . .

I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:


You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!

*********************************************************************************

Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!


by Jeremy K.

A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.

EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.

CUT TO:

INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.

GRIFFIN FAMILY

(grumbling)

Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)

PETER

(abruptly)

Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.

LOIS

(surprised)

. . . what?

PETER

Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.

CHRIS

Uh, Dad--

PETER

-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?

BRIAN

Uh, Peter--

PETER

I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!

(beat)

Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?

MEG

Dad, they did--

LOIS

(interrupting)

It's nothing, Peter.

PETER

No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.

MEG

(catching on)

Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.

LOIS

Unimportant.

STEWIE

Totally only three Star Wars movies.

BRIAN

(fake anger)

Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.

CHRIS

Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)

PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.

PETER

Are you hiding something from me?

Everyone else is silent.

PETER

Lois!


LOIS

(reluctant)

Peter. . .

BRIAN

Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

PETER

(realizing what he's discovered)

Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!

STEWIE

It's not. It's really not.

PETER

(leaps off the couch)

I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!

(sing-yelling)

STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!

(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)

NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--

CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK

TITLE

One savaged and molested innocence later.

CUT TO:

INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--

LOIS

(gently)

. . . Peter--

PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.

PETER

(screaming)

WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!

PETER breaks down and sobs.

*********************************************************************************

We open on pure black. Then--

TITLE

The 23rd Century. . .

TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--

TITLE

Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .

TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.

TITLE

I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .

CUT TO:

INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.

CUT TO:

WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.

SAAVIK

Any suggestions, Admiral?

KIRK

Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.

(to Spock)

Captain?


SPOCK

(opens eyes)

Trainees to the briefing room.


The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.

KIRK

Physician--

(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)

Heal Thyself.

Cut to CU of McCoy.

MCCOY

Fuck you.

Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.

SAAVIK

Permission to speak candidly, sir?

KIRK

(contemptuously)

Very well.

SAAVIK

(fighting emotion)

I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--

KIRK

(mocking, whiny)

Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws  fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?

SAAVIK

(loses it)

Because you cheated, you ass!

KIRK

(cocky, self-inflated)

Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!


SAAVIK

No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!

KIRK

(as Saavik goes on)

But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!


Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH  jumps into frame.

WILL SMITH

If you know what I'm sayin'!


Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.

KIRK

We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.

SAAVIK

-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!

KIRK

(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)

You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.

SAAVIK

That's QED, moron!

KIRK

Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.

CUT TO:

INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.

SPOCK

(into communicator)

Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?

CUT TO:

INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.

KIRK

(beat, then into hand communicator)

Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.

SPOCK

(through communicator)


Aye aye, sir.

KIRK closes communicator.

KIRK

(to ORION WOMAN)

Say it again.


ORION WOMAN

(sexy)

May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?


KIRK

(aroused)

Ohhh yeah.


ORION WOMAN

I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.

We CUT TO:

EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).

CHEKOV(V.O.)

Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.

CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).

CHEKOV

Does it have to be completely lifeless?

TERRELL

Don't tell me you got something?

CHEKOV

I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.

TERRELL

You mean like Tyler Lautner?

CHEKOV

. . . what?

(beat)

Why on Earth did you say that?

TERRELL

. . . I have no idea.

CHEKOV

What a weird, random thing to say!

TERRELL

And hurtful, too!

CHEKKOV

Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!

TERRELL

Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.

CUT TO:

EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.

CUT TO:

INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.

CUT TO:

INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.

CHEKOV

Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary,  Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--

ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.

CHEKOV

Oh no!


CUT TO:

INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.

CHEKOV

We have to go!

TERRELL

What's the matter-- ?

CHEKOV

Now! Damn! Hurry!

CUT TO:

EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--

CUT TO:

FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.

CUT TO:

CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.

To be continued. . .

Just in Time for Mother's Day: The Ongoing Soap Opera of People Who Technically Don't Have Mothers

Last Time. . .

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber

The PROFESSOR, still in the chamber, listening to the hiss of static and other intermittent sounds coming out of the speakers, emanating from whatever is on the other end of that crystal. EUDIAL storms through the massive entryway.

EUDIAL

(angry)

Mimete-2?

The PROFESSOR slowly turns to face EUDIAL, only the glare of his glasses penetrating through the perpetual shadow that surrounds him. Clearly, he knows what she's talking about.

PROFESSOR

I take it you didn't get that from Kao Ling.

EUDIAL

That's twice now. Twice that Mimete has abandoned us! Abandoned you!

Pause. Eudial is fuming.

EUDIAL

And what about Tellu? She's going to be revived-- after what she did today! And Viluy--?

PROFESSOR

Stop.

Pause. The hiss of the speakers fills the room.

PROFESSOR

Listen.

After a moment, the hiss grows slightly deeper, and then rises to its usual pitch.

CUT TO:

INT, Infirmary

TELLU, laying in bed, with an IV connected to her arm, emaciated, barely alive. PTILOL wheels in a vat containing a now fully grown version of Tellu-- call her TELLU-2 for now-- floating in liquid, with a tangled mess of WIRES connected to her head.

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber

EUDIAL and the PROFESSOR.

PROFESSOR

That's her!

EUDIAL pauses, processing what he's just said.

EUDIAL

You mean. . .

A few CLICKS penetrate through the static.

PROFESSOR

There! There! That's her!

(laughs)

She's talking to us, Eudial! She's actually speaking to us!

EUDIAL

. . . what's "she" saying?

The PROFESSOR, still shrouded in shadow, walks slowly toward EUDIAL, taking in all the ambient noises as he does so.

PROFESSOR

I don't know. That's what I'm trying to find out.

EUDIAL looks up at the CRYSTAL.

PROFESSOR

What I do know, is that whatever she's saying. . . she's saying it louder.

EUDIAL'S eyes lock on the PROFESSOR'S.

PROFESSOR

We are closer, Eudial. Maybe not as close as you wanted-

EUDIAL casts her eyes down.

PROFESSOR

- but closer.

CUT TO:

INT, Infirmary

PTILOL places what looks like an ELECTRODE CAP, but with dozens of NEEDLES, on TELLU'S head. The needles begin to DIG into TELLU'S skull.

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber

PROFESSOR and EUDIAL.

PROFESSOR

You don't know how to deal with this, do you? Mimete's loss.

EUDIAL doesn't answer.

PROFESSOR

You were still recovering from your revival. We hadn't quite perfected the procedure yet.

CUT TO:

INT, Infirmary

PTILOL throws a switch. TELLU'S body begins to seize.

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber

PROFESSOR

Kao Ling and I thought Mimete's loss would be too much for you to handle.

CUT TO:

INT, Infirmary

TELLU-2, convulsing inside the vat.

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber

PROFESSOR reaches up and caresses EUDIAL'S cheek. EUDIAL, surprisingly, is beginning to tear up a little.

PROFESSOR

We created you so that you would never have to experience death. Experience loss. But, as much as we tried. . . Mimete was a loss.

PROFESSOR turns to one of the TANKS of energy that Eudial obtained.

PROFESSOR

This day. . . this was not a loss. This was a good day, Eudial.

The PROFESSOR, his face remaining in perpetual shroud, walks back to the railing to listen some more. After a moment, EUDIAL walks up to the PROFESSOR and slowly embraces him from behind.

CUT TO:

INT, Infirmary

TELLU-2-- who, for all intents and purposes is now just TELLU-- stands over the corpse she once occupied, in a heavy daze. She holds up her arm next to her discarded body, comparing it to her "old arm".

TELLU

(distant)

I worked for weeks on that tan.

We HOLD on a close up of PTILOL, facing the camera, as we-

CUT TO:

INT, Crystal Chamber Entrance

Outside the crystal chamber, CYRPINE (with a similar look to PTILOL'S just a moment ago) watches from a distance as the PROFESSOR and EUDIAL continue their long, strange embrace. We then

CUT TO:

A CLOSE-UP of the CRYSTAL. Seeing it up close for the first time, we realize that this crystal is actually composed of about six SHARDS, all put together-- though it appears as though there is one shard left to be attached.

CUT TO:

INT, Tokyo Police Department

A close up of a photograph a crystal which looks suspiciously like one of the SHARDS of the crystal from last scene. We briefly see the words OSA-P on the documents next to the photo.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Talk about bad timing

The Japan Times reports that Keiko Kitagawa, PGSM's former Sailor Mars actress, is taking part in the anti-government protests in the middle east.

Okay, she's not. That was the April Fool's Day prank idea that crossed my mind this morning.

I think it could have worked, if I had more time to properly write it up. However, as it's already 11 o'clock and something like this would take a great deal of research and editing to get right, I decided to just leave you with the pitch. Maybe next year I'll plan something on the same scale as last year's DC Comics to Release Sailor Moon Comic post.

3/11

I feel obliged to say something about the earthquake that has hit Japan, but I really don't know what. Honestly, I've never known what to say in the wake of tragedies like this, and have preferred instead to say nothing at all. This hasn't been so much out of overwhelming emotion as it has about simply feeling like I have nothing worth saying. Do I wish for the continued well being of the survivors? Offer condolences to the families of the dead? If I do, so what? What could the obvious platitudes of a distant observer possibly matter?

But for me, this is different than the Indonesian tsunami, or hurricane Katrina, or earthquakes in Haiti or New Zealand, or 9/11. I lived in Tokyo for three months. I used to walk by the skyscrapers which can now be seen swaying "like palm trees in the wind" on videos all over the internet. One of the cities I most wanted to visit was Sendai-- my M.Sc. thesis work on molecular quantum tunneling is based on research that began at Sendai's Tohoku University. Now it looks like that city, like New Orleans and Port au Prince, has been more or less destroyed. I have friends and teachers from Japan-- thankfully, though, their families seem to be alright. I was connected to all of this, in my own very minor way.

I find myself contrasting my feelings right now with how I reacted to the 9/11 attacks. Back then, I didn't have friends from New York (hell, I still don't), and to this day the closest I've ever come to the city is spending a night in Albany. Maybe that's why, in the weeks following the attack, the strongest emotion I felt regarding 9/11 was. . . irritation. I was just sick of it. I was sick of the constant news reports. I was sick of the flag waving and the fear mongering and the beating of the drums of war (of which there was plenty in even in Canada). I was sick of hearing that The World Has Changed. I was sick of the "oh! those poor souls" and "oh! what a terrible tragedy" that I kept hearing from people who, like me, had probably never been to New York or Washington, who probably didn't know anyone from those places and were falling to pieces over nothing more than images on a screen.

In other words, I was a cynical prick. A little cynicism is, and was, good thing (there are too many examples of post-9/11 irrationality to list, but one that sticks out for me is the "Death of Irony" that was supposed to have happened. . .and of course, these were pretty appalling too). But when cynicism blinds you to the fact that, maybe, just maybe, there are people out there who really do care and really are trying to help in whatever way they can. . .

Well. . . maybe I'm finally feeling the way I was supposed to ten years ago. Maybe that's what needed to be said.

Valentine's Day-- 'Cause Nothing Says "Love" Quite Like A Holiday Named After a Catholic Priest Who Had His Head Cut Off.

On this, that highest of high fabricated giftcard non-holy days, let us remember that love is evolution's way of making sure Daddy sticks around just long enough to help raise the kids.



Cynicism on Valentine's Day. . . I'll bet no-one's ever thought of THAT before!

On an Unrelated Note, I've Never Seen High Fidelity Until Tonight.

Hi Everyone,

It's been two weeks since my last post. My apologies for the delay. I've been trying to settle down in Victoria. Since the university and college aren't currently looking for anyone to fill any teaching roles, I've been submitting resumes to any place that's asking for them. Hopefully, I'll be at work within the next week or two, depending on things and whatnot.

On a more positive note. . . I mentioned in my last post that I'm going to attempt something new here in Canada, the specific nature of which I never mentioned. Since I'm back, and I'm blogging, and you're reading, I may as well mention it now. I've decided to write a short story and submit it to a writing contest in January. Depending on how this story goes, I may write more-- on top of my current story, I have four other story ideas kicking around. I may end up submitting my stories for publication as well.

Also, my apologies for not updating you on Sailor Moon. I want to write a new post to tide things over until the next piece of the script, but the subject I most want to write about is one that may really spoil things later on in the story. I'll see how it goes.

I'll also try to post new pictures and videos from Japan on Facebook and YouTube. I still have videos from back in July that still need to be posted, but I haven't been able to due to the size of some of the video files invovled. Hopefully, my sister's computer will be able to handle it.

Until next time.

There's no turning back now. . . at least not without a $200 cancellation fee.

For some, this first bit will be old news. I've purchased my plane ticket and will be off to Japan on the ninth of July! I'll be heading down to Vancouver early that week to make sure that everything has gone well with the visa, as well as to visit family before my departure.

Naturally, I'll be updating this blog with tales of great adventure in the land of the rising sun*. For such an undertaking, mere text will not do. So, yesterday, I bought a camera, and decided to test it out last night. I'm pretty pleased with it so far. Below is a picture of the view from the deck of our house. It looks much better if you click on it, but be warned, it is huge (4000x3000 pixels-- I forgot to set the camera to lower resolution before taking this photo).



But what I really wanted to try was video uploading-- yes, my camera takes video. It's capable of HD quality, but for my purposes, I'll be filming at lower quality. Below is a video of my cat, Cedric. At midrange quality (640x480), this two minute video takes up ~150 Mb of data and took over twenty minutes to upload to YouTube. Unfortunately, the quality of the YouTube video is not quite up to par with the original file, but I guess that's to be expected.

Anyway, here's Cedric!



Am I getting sentimental about home already? Yeah, maybe. . .

*I even considered starting a new blog, "Doin' the Nihon Go Go!", just for that purpose, but then I realized it's hard enough maintaining one blog, and ultimately decided against it.

DC Comics to Publish Sailor Moon Reboot. . . With Some Interesting Ideas

UPDATE: The links to the DC Comics website appear to be broken. I'm trying to find another link as we speak.

I really don't know what to make of what I've just read.

DC Comics has announced that they've bought the rights to Sailor Moon, and that they'll be launching a new reboot series through their Vertigo Comics line. The new comic, for now simply titled "Sailor Moon," has a planned launch date in September 2010. The comic will be written by John Geoffries and illustrated by Jack Lopez and Phil Ivans.

Now, I'm not a comics fan, so those names mean nothing to me, but apparently, from some of the comics websites I've glanced through since learning about this, their previous work has not been well regarded-- they were the same team that created what's considered to be one of the most despised titles in recent memory, the (so I've heard) disastrous limited series DC superhero team-up debacle "Final Countdown".

So, as you can imagine, I was not thrilled to learn that these guys are going to be involved with the Sailor Moon reboot. Hell, I wasn't all that pleased with the idea of an American comics reboot to begin with-- this other news is just salt on the wound. I quickly realized that the situation is worse than that.

Far worse.

John Geoffries recently gave an interview, available on the DC Comics website, outlining the approach he plans to take with the franchise reboot. You can read through the whole thing if you really want to-- these are just the highlights.

Geoffries starts by assuring fans that the source material is safe in his capable hands:

Look, let's face it. Sailor Moon. . . yeah, it has a following. Yeah, it. . . it's. . . a lot of kids got into anime and manga because of Sailor Moon. It's got a huge following. But, it's. . . you know, at the same time, it ain't exactly Watchmen, either. I mean, this was basically a dumb, you know, bimbo, who couldn't walk from here to there with tripping over herself and who, uh, always needed her friends to get her out of trouble. Like, every time. Every time there was a monster. . . and there was always a monster, they were up to their elbows in monsters in Tokyo judging, you know, by how they always happened to run into them. . . every time she was called on to fight, she would cry, or run away, or get her ass kicked and her friends and Tuxedo Mask would have to swoop in and save her. Now, uh. . . I, uh, I don't think kids will buy that anymore.

Looks like the guy didn't even bother to read Takeuchi's original manga, where, if anything, it was Sailor Moon who always had to save the other senshi. And yes, in the manga, she did trip all over herself. . . in the beginning, after which she became more capable and comfortable in her role.

But that's not the really horrible part. Oh no. This is where it really gets bad.

If you look at the manga, and the anime. . . Look, I'll just say it. They're white. All of them. White girls in Japan, with Japanese names and everything. There's this term, uh, this Japanese term that they use to refer to this, where they blame it, or I guess, explain it in terms of deliberate, uh, ambiguity when it comes to race. But that's bulls***, total bull. They're white. And that seems to be pretty common in a lot of anime and manga.

(snip)

So, what happens, then, when you got a white hero, living in Japan, where, you know, there are signs that say no non-Japanese allowed on a lot of the restaurant doors. It, uh, it recontextualizes things a bit doesn't it?

"Recontextualizes things a bit, doesn't it?"

Gee, I seem to remember READING THAT SOMEWHERE!

Oh, and rest assured, it is not a coincidence.

Once we started with that idea, all these other ideas fell into place. We can't divulge too much, but we're definitely gonna take a more, er, more realistic track.

(snip)

Here you have Ami, whose got 300 IQ but is still dicking around in junior high. We're gonna take a different approach with her.

(snip)

We also have Rei, who was, you know, the traditionalist. How do think she's gonna react to a white Sailor Moon basically, sort of, giving her all the orders?

(snip)

We're gonna take a more, you know, Memento approach to Tuxedo Mask as well. Show the consequences of his brain injury more, uh, more, uh, detailed than the manga did.

(snip)

The Negaverse, or Dark Kingdom I guess, or whatever, is definitely played out. We'll be going our way as far as the villain goes.

Motherfuckers.

Motherfuckers stole my ideas. Not only that, they made them look completely idiotic!

I am so incredibly angry and saddened right now. I'm so angry that I could almost. . . check the date.