What? You Wanna Live Forever?

This is a post of farewells, but also of new beginnings.

I've been meaning to post here for a while. Much has happened since I last blogged about. . . Home Depot? I dunno. I don't even remember.

First, I took part in the BC Japanese Speech contest, winning second place in the University division, Beginner category. I would have posted my speech on the blog, except that the copyright is held by the BC Japanese Speech Contest Organizing Committee. Basically, I talked about the time I met Miyuu Sawai (a story you can read about on this blog), and how that taught me courage and whatever.

Second, I've been doing a lot of thinking about that little Sailor Moon side project I started back in 2010, which in the absence of actual writing on the topic could be mistaken for giving up on it. I won't go into details here. . . I'll just mention that it's still on my mental back burner. 

Third, and perhaps most significantly, I've been officially accepted into the JET program as an A.L.T.. I'm going back to Japan! Specifically, I'll be going to the town of Shirakawa. . .

. . . in Fukushima prefecture. . .

. . . What? You wanna-- oh, wait, I already said that.

Anyway, I'm coming up on a new phase in my life, and along with that I hope to enter a new phase of my writing. Kyle Took A Bullet For Me was my first blog. It was, incidentally, also the medium for my first screenplay, Sailor Moon. I look back at both of these things as a huge rough draft of who I want I want to be as a writer, which is probably the best way you can look at something that you're really not all that proud of in retrospect. I mean, hell, the friggen name of this blog was taken from a Tenacious D song. Not a sign of terrific originality. 

So, to commemorate the end (for the foreseeable future anyway) of my life in P.G., in Canada, and in Physics, I've decided to officially end Kyle Took a Bullet For Me. . .

. . . and launch my new blog, Doin' the Nihon Go Go, a chronicle of science, life in Japan, creative ideas (more carefully exposited than my Sailor Moon stuff was), and whatever the hell else I want to write about. All on a damn schedule this time!

So, yeah. Get over there! There might not be anything written up yet, but at least you can admire the template.

Update: I've closed down comments on this blog, mainly so that spambots will stop bothering me.

Actual Idea I Had for April Fools Day Post, Part I

I Can't Stress Enough How Actual This Actual Idea Was. . .

I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:


You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!

*********************************************************************************

Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!


by Jeremy K.

A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.

EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.

CUT TO:

INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.

GRIFFIN FAMILY

(grumbling)

Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)

PETER

(abruptly)

Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.

LOIS

(surprised)

. . . what?

PETER

Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.

CHRIS

Uh, Dad--

PETER

-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?

BRIAN

Uh, Peter--

PETER

I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!

(beat)

Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?

MEG

Dad, they did--

LOIS

(interrupting)

It's nothing, Peter.

PETER

No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.

MEG

(catching on)

Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.

LOIS

Unimportant.

STEWIE

Totally only three Star Wars movies.

BRIAN

(fake anger)

Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.

CHRIS

Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)

PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.

PETER

Are you hiding something from me?

Everyone else is silent.

PETER

Lois!


LOIS

(reluctant)

Peter. . .

BRIAN

Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

PETER

(realizing what he's discovered)

Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!

STEWIE

It's not. It's really not.

PETER

(leaps off the couch)

I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!

(sing-yelling)

STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!

(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)

NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--

CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK

TITLE

One savaged and molested innocence later.

CUT TO:

INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--

LOIS

(gently)

. . . Peter--

PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.

PETER

(screaming)

WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!

PETER breaks down and sobs.

*********************************************************************************

We open on pure black. Then--

TITLE

The 23rd Century. . .

TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--

TITLE

Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .

TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.

TITLE

I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .

CUT TO:

INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.

CUT TO:

WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.

SAAVIK

Any suggestions, Admiral?

KIRK

Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.

(to Spock)

Captain?


SPOCK

(opens eyes)

Trainees to the briefing room.


The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.

KIRK

Physician--

(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)

Heal Thyself.

Cut to CU of McCoy.

MCCOY

Fuck you.

Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.

SAAVIK

Permission to speak candidly, sir?

KIRK

(contemptuously)

Very well.

SAAVIK

(fighting emotion)

I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--

KIRK

(mocking, whiny)

Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws  fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?

SAAVIK

(loses it)

Because you cheated, you ass!

KIRK

(cocky, self-inflated)

Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!


SAAVIK

No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!

KIRK

(as Saavik goes on)

But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!


Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH  jumps into frame.

WILL SMITH

If you know what I'm sayin'!


Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.

KIRK

We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.

SAAVIK

-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!

KIRK

(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)

You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.

SAAVIK

That's QED, moron!

KIRK

Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.

CUT TO:

INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.

SPOCK

(into communicator)

Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?

CUT TO:

INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.

KIRK

(beat, then into hand communicator)

Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.

SPOCK

(through communicator)


Aye aye, sir.

KIRK closes communicator.

KIRK

(to ORION WOMAN)

Say it again.


ORION WOMAN

(sexy)

May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?


KIRK

(aroused)

Ohhh yeah.


ORION WOMAN

I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.

We CUT TO:

EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).

CHEKOV(V.O.)

Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.

CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).

CHEKOV

Does it have to be completely lifeless?

TERRELL

Don't tell me you got something?

CHEKOV

I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.

TERRELL

You mean like Tyler Lautner?

CHEKOV

. . . what?

(beat)

Why on Earth did you say that?

TERRELL

. . . I have no idea.

CHEKOV

What a weird, random thing to say!

TERRELL

And hurtful, too!

CHEKKOV

Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!

TERRELL

Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.

CUT TO:

EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.

CUT TO:

INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.

CUT TO:

INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.

CHEKOV

Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary,  Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--

ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.

CHEKOV

Oh no!


CUT TO:

INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.

CHEKOV

We have to go!

TERRELL

What's the matter-- ?

CHEKOV

Now! Damn! Hurry!

CUT TO:

EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--

CUT TO:

FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.

CUT TO:

CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.

To be continued. . .

No, Makoto Don't Want no Scrubs. A Scrub is a Guy Who Can't Get No Love From She.

Last time. . .

CUT TO:

INT, Subway Car

The car has a few passengers, but isn't terribly crowded. USAGI sits in a chair near the door. A SALARYMAN is asleep next to her. MAKOTO stands over her. She holds her hand up, clenching and unclenching it, and then shaking it. She then looks down at Usagi, who's watching the the passing lights of the tunnel through the windows opposite her seat. She seems tense.

MAKOTO

Are you sure you're okay?

USAGI

(distracted)

What?

MAKOTO

Are you alright?

USAGI

(distant)

Yeah.

MAKOTO takes a nervous look around the car, as if expecting someone to come at her.

MAKOTO

So. . . what were you doing down in Shinjuku, anyway?

USAGI

I . . . I guess I just wanted to see that new department store. I don't know.

MAKOTO takes a quick look around again. USAGI reaches out and grabs part of Makoto's coat, admiring it.

MAKOTO

Well. . . you have impeccable timing.

USAGI

What were you doing there?

MAKOTO looks away briefly, embarrassed.

MAKOTO

Just meeting someone.

USAGI is still looking at the coat.

MAKOTO

Usagi?

USAGI lets go of the coat.

MAKOTO

Are you sure you're all right?

USAGI looks down. This makes Makoto more nervous.

MAKOTO

Usagi. . . I don't know what happened back there. I really don't know how I could've. . . Look, I've dealt with police before.

USAGI looks up, confused at where Makoto is going with this.

MAKOTO

And I've learned it's best to just not get involved with them. Besides, it's finished. The fight was finished. They knew, we knew it. If they got hurt, it was their own damn fault for starting it. There was no need to. . .

MAKOTO trails off. Even she realizes that she's trying more to convince herself of something than to convince Usagi. The two are silent for a moment. Makoto takes another look at her hand when-

USAGI

I helped, right?

MAKOTO

What?

(beat)

Yeah. Of course you did.

USAGI smiles a bit. The train turns a corner, and the SLEEPING MAN fall onto USAGI. She slides away, uncomfortable, but the man keeps falling onto her, somehow managing not to wake up.

MAKOTO

Hey!

MAKOTO reaches over and flicks the man's ear. He wakes up and, begrudgingly, sits back up, closing his eyes. Though the man has gotten off of her, USAGI is still tense.

MAKOTO

You didn't want to come down here, did you?

USAGI shakes her head.

USAGI

I haven't been on a subway in years.

MAKOTO

It's planes I can't stand. I don't care if I have to stay in Japan all my life. I'll never get on a plane.

ANNOUNCER

Tsugi wa. . . Roppongi, Roppongi desu.

MAKOTO

Well, next stop is Azabu-Juuban. We'll be out of here soon enough.

USAGI

Where to then?

Makoto is surprised by that question.

MAKOTO

Home.

USAGI's face whitens.

USAGI

What?

MAKOTO

Yeah, I'm taking you home. Where did you think we were going?

The train comes to a stop. USAGI quickly gets out of her seat and walks out the exit.

MAKOTO

(surprised)

Usagi?

CUT TO:

INT, Subway Platform- Continuous

USAGI walks down the platforms, away from the train. MAKOTO follows.

MAKOTO

Usagi!

USAGI ignores her. MAKOTO catches up and grabs her by the sleeve, turning her around.

MAKOTO

Usagi!

MAKOTO then abruptly lets go, remembering what happened in Shinjuku. USAGI just stands there, eyes fixed on the floor. MAKOTO gently puts her hands on Usagi's shoulders.

MAKOTO

Where were you going?

USAGI

(without looking up)

I don't know.

MAKOTO

You don't know? Look out there, Usagi--!

USAGI looks up. Whatever emotions have been stewing inside of her, they've now brought her to the brink.

USAGI

Look out where, Makoto? Big Sight? The whole city comes to a grinding halt because of Big Sight?! What do I care? What do you care?! Why do I have to be--

USAGI has to stop, before she loses it.

MAKOTO

(sympathetic)

Alright.

USAGI calms down a little. MAKOTO appears to finally have some small idea of what Usagi is going through.

MAKOTO

I won't make you go home.

USAGI

Thanks.

Pause.

MAKOTO

Have you eaten yet?

USAGI shakes her head.

USAGI

I'm not hungry.

MAKOTO

Well. . . come over anyway. I owe you one. Fending off those vile brutes and all.

USAGI hesitates.

MAKOTO

I'll make it easy for you. My place, or yours.

It won't take Usagi long to decide.

CUT TO:

EXT, Subway Exit, Early Evening

USAGI and MAKOTO emerge from the exit and on to the street.

MAKOTO

(pointing up the block)

Okay, my building is a few blocks--

The CELL begins to vibrate- there was a missed call. MAKOTO suddenly remembers whose phone it is, and comes to a halt.

MAKOTO

(under her breath)

God dammit.

MAKOTO pulls out the phone and opens it.

MAKOTO

Goddamn idiot. He'll probably think I stole his damn phone just to get--

Makoto sees the name and number of the person who called, and is appalled.

MAKOTO

Who in the-- who the hell is Mimi Hanyuu?

MAKOTO shakes her head in disgust.

MAKOTO

No. No, I cannot-- come on!

MAKOTO walks down the block, opposite of where she was pointing.

USAGI

Wait, I thought--

MAKOTO

Detour!

To Be Continued. . .

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

Tokyo governor and ultra-rightist loon Shintaro Ishihara calls the March 11 earthquake "punishment from heaven" for Japan's greed (source).

Other gems of Ishihara's wisdom(from wikiquote):

On the Naking Massare: "They say we made a holocaust there, but that is not true. It is a lie made up by the Chinese."

Speaking of the Chinese:

"The Chinese are ignorant, so they are overjoyed. That spacecraft [Shenzhou 5, which carried China's first astronaut] was an outdated one. If Japan wanted to do it, we could do it in one year."

"China holds no value at all for human life and can start a war without any concerns. . ."

On Terrorism:

"A bomb was planted [at the private residence of Deputy Foreign Minister Hitoshi Tanaka]. I think it was deserved."

Asshole thinks he's hot shit because he used to hang out with Yukio Mishima.

Valentine's Day-- 'Cause Nothing Says "Love" Quite Like A Holiday Named After a Catholic Priest Who Had His Head Cut Off.

On this, that highest of high fabricated giftcard non-holy days, let us remember that love is evolution's way of making sure Daddy sticks around just long enough to help raise the kids.



Cynicism on Valentine's Day. . . I'll bet no-one's ever thought of THAT before!

I Really Hope I'm Not Catching A Cold. . .

Well, it's just eight more days until I return to Canada! I closed my bank account with Shinsei almost a month exactly after I opened it (something I'm really glad to have gotten out of the way, seeing as how I felt awkward about having opened an account without ever using it), and I've gotten most of my final month "wish list" out of the way:

Yokohama & Yokosuka -- Check!

Kawagoe -- Check!

One Last Sailor Moon Location -- Check. . . but it kinda sucked. I may still do another, depending on whatnot.

Kamakura -- Check! Although there was so much to explore there that I couldn't really cover it in the half-day I was there.

Hakone, Mt. Fuji, & Tokyo Disney -- Decided not to go for budget reasons! (that technically counts as getting it "out of the way")

That leaves only one major item remaining on my wish list: Nikko*. A UNESCO World Heritage Site, it's considered by the Japanese to be pretty much the most beautiful place on Earth (more or less), so obviously I must see it. I plan to go on Monday-- the morning trains will be busy as all fuck, but I'm counting on Nikko itself to be less crowded, as it's a weekday and all. Expect pictures-- after I get back. Currently I have a pretty huge backlog of pictures that I have yet to upload to Facebook, and I've decided not to bother with it until I get back. It's not like I won't be back in Canada for months and need to update people on my travels.

Aside from the big things, I'm also visiting various gardens, munching on rice bowls & ramen (the cheap fast food of Japan) as well as the exotic burgers of McDonald's Japan ("Salt & Lemon" Chicken Burgers, "Tamago Burgers" aka "Quarter Pounder with EGG!", and most recently the "Fondue Chicken Burger"), walking for absurd distances (yesterday I walked from my house in Tabata-shinmachi all the way to Tokyo Sky Tree, probably over ten kilometers round trip), and sitting at parks, writing bits of Sailor Moon The Movie in my notebook. And in the comfort of home (at least it will be until next Saturday :( ) I've been enjoying the benefits of the internet in unexpected ways:

Starting about a month ago, I started re-watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It really was a good show, though strangely enough, now that I'm watching it, I'm really eager to watch Babylon 5 (during it's run, I dismissed B5 as a low budget Star Trek knockoff, but now I'm willing to another try).

Speaking of SF, I've been reading some of the short stories of Robert J. Sawyer, posted online on his website. Sawyer was introduced to me by my thesis advisor, Dr. Mark Shegelski, who has written his own anthology of cool science fiction stories, Remembering the Future, which is now available on Kindle for $4.99. You can also find his blog here.

I've also been reading Sherlock Holmes stories on the project Gutenberg website. Did you know Holmes was a coke-head? Surprising, no?

On a final note. . . as much as I wanted to have the next piece of the Sailor Moon script up before I left for Canada, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. But for the one or two people still following the script, rest assured that big things are coming. Just you wait!

*There's also a minor item: Narita-san, a large Buddhist shrine just a couple of stops away from the airport. If I'm in good enough shape to haul my luggage there-- or if, more preferably, I can check my heavier bags at the airport and still travel there without any trouble-- I'd like to visit it. It'll be my one last hurrah, and I should have plenty of time since my plane doesn't leave until nearly six in the evening.

Standoff of the Space Cowboys

This post is in response to a comment left by A.J. a few days ago:

Oh, and if you don't mind me asking what part of your Star Trek idea did the film incorporate? I think it's safe to assume it wasn't the part where they cover everything in lens flare.

The short answer: the creation of an alternate timeline, split off from the "canon" timeline, was something I was going to implement in my story.

The long answer. . .

The title of this post is the name that I was gonna give to my story. It's a silly name, loosely based on Gene Roddenberry's own nickname for Star Trek, "Wagon Train to the Stars". Nonetheless, in my mind the name stuck. The outline of the story is as follows:

A Federation Starship accidentally travels back in time to early 1960's Earth, crash-landing in the Caspian Sea. Their ship heavily damaged, and straddled between the Soviet Union and then US-allied Iran, things seem hopeless for the crew. Even if they could somehow manage to hide from the two biggest superpowers of the time, they won't last long without supplies.

However, they are quickly discovered and contacted by an oil tycoon hoping to mine the vast underground reserves of the Caspian Sea. The crew is offered protection and supplies in exchange for. . . well, they're not really sure, since the crashed ship is not all that terribly useful as an oil drilling platform. Neither is it terribly clear how an oil company, no matter how rich it is, can hide a bloody starship in the middle of the ocean from the Soviets and Americans. Still, the crew is hardly in a position to turn down his help. On top of all this, the crew has to clean up the messes they've made, like a photon torpedo landing on the border of two hostile nations, or crewmembers fleeing the ship.

Unfortunately, the ship's very presence in the twentieth century-- not to mention its contact with the oil company-- has opened up the possibility of historical alteration, destroying the timeline they know. However, the crew, initially, is in a position where they cannot be sure whether this is happening. The severe damage done to the ship's computer has almost completely erased its voluminous historical records. For instance, while some of the crew knew that an American president was going to be assassinated, no-one can be certain on what date it was supposed to happen. For all they know, the assassination that happened yesterday was supposed to happen tomorrow. As a result of this ambiguity, they cannot be certain whether their presense leads, in a hidden way, to the history they already know-- whether they were always part of history without even knowing it-- or whether history has actually changed.

The ship remains at the bottom of the Caspian Sea for five years. Up until this point, the crew has managed to adjust to their situation, and has seemed to contain any major historical changes. Unfortunately, the crew soon make what from their standpoint is a horrific discovery: a TV show called "Star Trek" that appears to be based upon their own future history.

AN ASIDE: Yes, yes, I went there. How cute of him, you all say. But aside from all the predicatable metafiction, I was always fascinated by the behind the scenes story of Star Trek. Indeed, it would be pretty interesting if they made a docu-drama TV series about the making of the show, with a title like "These Are the Voyages..." or some-such. It could serve as a sort of late-sixties companion piece to Mad Men (are you listening, AMC?).

Anyway, it's seeming more and more likely that history has indeed been changed and that the Federation, at least as it known by the crew, will never come to be. An ideological scism occurs, and the crew divides roughly into two camps: those who think that the original timeline must be restored, even if it means interference in the social and political structures of the day; and those who believe that this new history must be allowed to take its own course. The remainder of the series follows the conflict between these two camps.

That, more or less, was the idea of mine that was incorporated into the new film. There were all kinds of other aspects to this story, though. Most of them were only halfways thought through, and some might not have made it into the final version. Here are a few of those ideas, listed in no particular order:

- A powerful alien artifact stored within the hull of the ship-- this is actually what causes the time travel accident.

- A Klingon math genius who adopted the Vulcan way of life (can you tell it's fanfiction?) and is the only person who understands the artifact. She falls into a coma following the crash of the ship.

- An artificial insemination program that uses said Klingon's ova in combination with donated sperm to try and breed another math genius who can understand the artifact. This program does eventually create another genius, a young woman who is not only brilliant but also extremely volatile, due both to her Klingon genetics and her upbringing in a society that she doesn't really understand and that really doesn't understand her (she's not raised on the ship, but rather in contemporary human society).

- Remember the accused saboteur I mentioned earlier? As part of her plan to escape, she used nanobots and technobabble to change species, from alien to human. The process kills her within a few days.

- A human-Q hybrid, created to destroy the alien artifact (the artifact is like Kryptonite for "full-blooded" Q). As his powers are controlled by his human mind, he finds that many instances where his powers are used are either unconscious or occur in an almost rambling "stream of consciousness". The hybrid, very human in personality, is born in Venezuela and raised Catholic (SUBTLETY!).

- The whole series would be eighteen episodes long, and its structure would loosely be based on the James Joyce novel "Ulysees" ('Cause Bloomsday in Dublin is like a Star Trek convention-- that's my flimsy excuse and I'm sticking with it!)

That's about as far as I'll with this story for now. I know I keep promising a new Sailor Moon piece, and I'm working on it. It'll be up sometime.

Proof that "Statistical Analysis" is Just Another Buzzword

When writing about Tuxedo Kamen and How Sailor Moon is like The Breakfast Club:

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

When writing about Ami Mizuno:

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

(which is kinda creepy if you think about it. . .)

When writing about a fateful wrong turn and how bad I thought the new Star Trek movie was gonna be:

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

When writing about how bad it actually did turn about to be:

I write like
Douglas Adams

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

When writing about America:

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

When writing about SCIENCE!:

I write like
Edgar Allan Poe

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

When writing about Dr. Tomoe, Rei, Makoto, and extremely dated political satire:

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

For comparison, an excerpt from "The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath" by H.P. Lovecraft. I'll let you make up your own mind:

Three times Randolph Carter dreamed of the marvellous city, and three times was he snatched away while still he paused on the high terrace above it. All golden and lovely it blazed in the sunset, with walls, temples, colonnades, and arched bridges of veined marble, silver-basined fountains of prismatic spray in broad squares and perfumed gardens, and wide streets marching between delicate trees and blossom-laden urns and ivory statues in gleaming rows; while on steep northward slopes climbed tiers of red roofs and old peaked gables harbouring little lanes of grassy cobbles. It was a fever of the gods; a fanfare of supernal trumpets and a clash of immortal cymbals. Mystery hung about it as clouds about a fabulous unvisited mountain; and as Carter stood breathless and expectant on that balustraded parapet there swept up to him the poignancy and suspense of almost-vanished memory, the pain of lost things, and the maddening need to place again what once had an awesome and momentous place.

He knew that for him its meaning must once have been supreme; though in what cycle or incarnation he had known it, or whether in dream or in waking, he could not tell. Vaguely it called up glimpses of a far, forgotten first youth, when wonder and pleasure lay in all the mystery of days, and dawn and dusk alike strode forth prophetick to the eager sound of lutes and song; unclosing faery gates toward further and surprising marvels. But each night as he stood on that high marble terrace with the curious urns and carven rail and looked off over that hushed sunset city of beauty and unearthly immanence, he felt the bondage of dream’s tyrannous gods; for in no wise could he leave that lofty spot, or descend the wide marmoreal flights flung endlessly down to where those streets of elder witchery lay outspread and beckoning.

Link.

He says the sun came out last night. He says it sang to him.

In a world where disco never died. . .
One man. . . will put the hose on Disco Inferno.
James Franco stars in . . . Dyskopia.

Yeah. . . I've been waiting for any excuse to use that pun. Anyway, here's Disco Close Encounters. Wait 'till the very end!



Why people ever believed that you can dance to John Williams, I will never know.

UPDATE: And who's the evil ruler of Dyskopia? John Travolta, of course! "When you were learning how to spell your name, I was being trained. . . TO CONQUER GALAXIES!"

Well. . . I'm Kinda Screwed.

I writing from a hotel room in Vancouver. My mom came down here to take part in some fancy lawyer course, and I came with her in order to submit to the Japanese consulate my application for a working holiday visa. The good news is that everything appears to be in order as far as the application is concerned-- after submitting all the necessary forms (application form, tentative itinerary, CV, letter of motive, and passport), I was told that my visa would be ready in week, barring any problems found later on, in which event I would be contacted.

As for the bad news. . . the consulate employee to whom I was submitting my forms asked me if I had any work lined up. I answered no, adding that I was planning to find work through the Japanese Association of Working Holiday Makers (J.A.W.H.M.), the only organization licensed by the Japanese government to assist those taking part in working holidays. That's when he dropped the bombshell: the J.A.W.H.M. will be shutting down as of June 19th. I had not heard of this because the news was announced only a day before I left for Vancouver.

The J.A.W.H.M. provided a lot of helpful services for working holiday takers: job postings, help with finding accommodations, Japanese lessons, etc.. Without J.A.W.H.M., I, and a lot of other people who plan on taking working holidays , will have that much harder a time getting by in Japan.

At the same, though, it's not like I don't have a plan. I figure that since I am both a native English speaker AND possess high level scientific education, I can serve as a tutor for a niche market: foreign Anglophone students who need help in physics, math, and maybe even chemistry as well. Plus, there's always demand for English teachers, even if TESOL certification (which I don't have) is preferred.

I guess I'm starting to get cold feet. Shit's getting real now.

Stay tuned.

Update on Sailor Moon and Things

Hi Everyone,

It's now been one month and five days since the last piece of the Sailor Moon script was posted, and the next part is no-where near finished. So, instead of trying to rush things, and in the process present something that's not really all that good (which may have actually been the case with Part #4, given the lack of comments), I thought instead that I would give an update as to what's going on in my life in general, and to reassure you that Sailor Moon: The Movie Part #5 is slow coming, but it's a comin'.

First off. . .

1) What did everyone think of Lost finale?

Did you watch Lost? Did you start it, but give up on it near the middle of Season 3 like I almost did? Did you like the finale, or hate it?

Me? I liked it. (Warning: if you don't watch Lost, you would probably be better off skipping to part 2) Given all the questions that the show raised throughout it's six years, and the fact that it's grand narrative really wasn't planned from the beginning but was basically patched together at the end of third season once ABC and the producers decided upon a three year ending plan, I think the writers actually resolved quite a bit. True, much of this resolution came in the form of some pretty heavy-handed exposition, and involved a few elements that feel extracted from the creative rear end (The Island is now the source of all life, which we symbolise with this bright warm light which you must NEVER TOUCH or it will turn you into a smoke moster. . . or does it? WE HAVE SPOKEN!). And yes, I personally would have liked to have learned a bit more about what happened to the Island children, namely, Aaron, Ji Yeon, and that massive dangling plot thread, Walt. But still, as much of a cop-out as it is to say "they weren't going to explain EVERYTHING". . . well, they weren't, and they couldn't. Instead, they opted for an ending that yielded emotional closure, if not narrative closure. Almost everyone* got a happy ending (and I mean Disney happy), and the original motivation of the series-- getting everyone who is still alive and who still wants to leave off of The Island-- has been met.

*The absence of Michael from the finale is notable, given both those who DO return (Shannon and Boone?! Seriously?) and the presence of Ben, someone whose actions have been FAR more evil than Michael's. Something to chew on I guess. . .

Anyway, the reason I mention Lost is that during the final season I've realized just how much of my approach to Sailor Moon has been inspired by Lost. . . I won't specify as of yet, but as the script rolls on, those who have watched Lost will probably start to see the connections.

2) I'm convocating this week!

This Friday, May 28th, I will officially be a Master of Science. Okay, this isn't really news. Ever since I passed by thesis defence, you've all known that I'm going to be getting my master's degree. Still, this week it becomes official. The parchment will be in my hand. And with that out of the way. . .

3) I'm finally going to submit my Visa application to go to Japan.

After a full year of saving up money, learning Japanese, and waiting to recieve my degree, I will be submitting my working holiday visa application in June. Then, hopefully within that month, the application will be approved and I'll be off to Japan.

Obviously, going to Japan will have major ramifications for the script. For one, I'll actually be able to interact with Japanese people, which certainly helps when ninety percent of the characters in your screenplay are Japanese. Additionally, simply being in Tokyo will surely help the script come to life. Seeing the place, hearing it, hell, even smelling it, will be a great aide to my imagination, which until now has been the only thing I've relied upon for my writing. That, and more reruns of Sailor Moon S than any man should be allowed to consume in a given week.

And finally. . .

4) Sailor Moon: The Movie Part #5 IS COMING

. . . just not soon. I already said this, but I feel it needs to be stressed. I've seen many people start up blogs, or other projects, only to let them just peter away. If anyone is still reading this, I want you to know that I've not given up. . . I'm just trying to work through writers block. I'm eagerly await the day when the first draft is finished. . . so I can start up the second draft and fix up all the mistakes I made in the first draft.

Unitl next time. . .

YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

Reasons Why I Should Write the Sailor Moon Movie #16: Quadrophenia-- a great album AND a great analogy!



I know it's over six minutes long. . . but just listen to this shit!



"I've Had Enough", from The Who's 1973 double album Quadrophenia. Why am I playing this? Because there is no such thing as a bad reason for playing The Who! . . . That's why!

. . . Okay, okay, I guess I'd better connect this to Sailor Moon somehow.

Quadrophenia is The Who's second rock opera, the first being their far more popular (but, to me, inferior) Tommy. It tells the story of Jimmy Cooper, a teenage Mod living in England in the mid-sixties. . . but that's not important. What's important is the concept of Quadrophenia itself, as described by the Word of God:

The name is a variation on the popular usage of the medical diagnostic term schizophrenia as dissociative identity disorder to reflect the four distinct personalities of Jimmy, the opera's protagonist. . . [guitarist and songwriter Pete Townshend] chose the personalities of each member to illustrate each of Jimmy’s four personalities, or “personality extremes” or mood swings.

So what does this have to do with Sailor Moon, and with Part #15 in particular? For your consideration. . .

Friendship. Love. The strength that these two things give to those willing to open their heart to them. This is the main theme of Sailor Moon. . . which makes the fact that a cynical loner like myself would want to adapt it into a movie seem more than a little odd. (What is this "friendship" and "love" you humans speak of. . . ?) Still, the question of just what kind of strength friendship and love bestow-- besides the pop-Darwinian tropes of strength in numbers, reciprocity, etc.-- is an important one, and the answer typically provided by the anime was. . . emotional support. Now, this is okay in the metaphorical sense; it's hard to find that much fault with the message that friends, true friends, will help each other through the most of the pain that life can and will bring (though it is naive to take it too far-- sorry, the cynic in me had to get that out). In a way, it's also good literal sense, given that Princess Serenity is a being whose virtually god-like power is derived from the strength of her emotions. But. . . that can't be all there is to it. If that's the case then, as I said waay back in Part #3, Naru and Umino could serve the purpose just as well as Ami, Rei, Makoto, and Minako. But of course, they can't. So what else is there?

Speaking as a virtual loner, one whose only social connections are the result of his far more socially adept mother and sister, one who is literally writing this blog in a basement. . . of course I feel perfectly qualified to philosophize on the nature of human relationships, at least as far as this movie goes. I think that our best and strongest bonds, the kind that result in loving families, lasting friendships, and edifying tutelage, result when another person brings out a strength in us that we never knew or believed we had, or helps us confront a weakness we were always too willing to ignore. Moreover, while sometimes this is done deliberately, more often it is done through example, through the simple act of someone being who they are. It's one thing to meet someone whose company you enjoy; it's another thing when you are a better, fuller human being for having known them.

(I'll breifly mention, and then ignore, the complementary argument-- that an adversary, whether a mere rival or blood enemy, can also bring out the best in us; for example, nearly all the world was ultimately united in opposition to Hitler.)

That's where the stuff about Quadrophenia, the Breakfast Club metaphor from way back, and all the pretentious crap I was talking about in Part #15 all come in. Before Usagi can become Sailor Moon, her friends must awaken the parts of Usagi's soul that will allow her to finally make that transformation. Likewise, before her friends can make their own transformations, they must first bring out the best in each other.

The process by which Sailor Moon is awakened will be more complex then that by which the other senshi are awakened, owing both to the fact that Sailor Moon is the leader of the senshi and the fact that Usagi is the main character of the movie and thus can be afforded more character development. As I metioned in another earlier post, I'm basing the senshi (and Mamoru) more closely off of the Chinese elemental system than did previous incarnations. So, for example, Ami is associated with water, Rei with fire, Makoto with wood, etc., and their characters are based on the characteristics traditionally associated with each of these elements. But more than that, their relationships (with some neccessary narrative license) will be modelled on the traditional relationships between these elements, specifically the "generating" and "overcoming/destroying" cycles:



So, for example, "water nourishes wood," which in terms of character means that Makoto(Wood) is inspired to help Ami(Water) find her courage.

As for the rest. . . well, I'll leave that for the script. Suffice it to say that while everything I've mentioned above is important, it isn't all that's involved in Usagi's awakening-- I don't want to spoil everything. The next part of the script isn't anywhere close to being finished, but rest assured, it's coming.

'Till next time.

I Haven't Forgotten About Sailor Moon, I'm Just Writing a Really Big Piece of the Script Right Now so Until it's Done Here's a Joke

Q: What's a Klingon pirate's favourite food?

A: Heart of TAARGH!

You're damn right it's funny!

I Used to Do Something That Was Almost Like A Real Job. . .

Image of Jeremy taken shortly after his thesis defence.

So, it finally happened. My paper, "Quantum tunneling and reflection of a molecule with a single bound state," has been published in Physical Review A. I promised in a previous post that I would write a summary of paper. So, with reading week quickly evaporating away, about eighty physics assignments yet to be marked, and a Japanese midterm on Monday, I thought I should get on that.

The approach I decided to take was a basic parsing/elaboration of the abstract, since that's the only part of the paper available to read on the internet without having to pay a fee. The abstract, by definition, pretty much lays out the content of the paper anyway, so with a bit of explanation you should be able to get the jist of what we, i.e. myself, Danielle Kerbrat, and my supervising prof Dr. Mark Shegelski, discovered and published. I'm going to assume that anyone who reads this has about high-school level science education, which means I'll have a lot of explaining to do.

Abstract:

In this article, we present the results of studies on the quantum mechanical tunneling and reflection of a diatomic, homonuclear molecule with a single bound state incident upon a potential barrier.

Hoo-boy. Where to start?

The "diatmoic, homonuclear molecule" is basically a pair of identical particles that interact with and, loosely speaking, "attach" to one another by means of an attractive force. Usually, the particles in question are atoms. However, our formulation is general enough to be applied to any pair of "attached" particles, such as Cooper pairs and excitons. These examples appear later in the abstract, so I'll explain what they mean later on.

When the atoms are attached to each other, we say that the molecule is in "bound state." When they aren't, we say they're in an "unbound state." To be in a "bound state," the atoms in the molecule must have lower total energy than two free atoms. To understand what that means, imagine a you're in a region that's entirely flat except for a small, bowl-shaped valley. If you're in the valley, you have to expend energy in order to get out of the valley. If you don't have enough energy to climb out of the valley, you're stuck-- "bound" to the valley. Another way of thinking about this is that, if you're standing in the valley, you have less energy than if you're standing in the flat plain. When two atoms are "attached" to each other in a molecule, what's really happening is that the force they exert on one-another creates a sort of potential energy "valley," whereas two free atoms are in a potential energy state more akin to standing in the flat region outside of the valley.

So what does it mean for a molecule to have a "single bound state?" In order to understand the behaviour of small objects, like atoms, molecules, electrons, etc. we had to discover a whole new set of physicals laws, which we call quantum mechanics. The problem with quantum mechanics is, well, it's weird. One of the implications of quantum mechanics is that, if two atoms are bound in a molecule, then they can only occupy certain energy levels-- we say that the energy levels are "quantized," hence "quantum mechanics." Think back to the valley for a minute. You could stand at the very bottom of the valley, or half-way up the valley, or two-thirds of the way up, or one-quarter, or any other place you like. With any given height up the valley, there is a corresponding potential energy level. In other words, the laws of physics do not restrict you to one or another given energy level in the valley. However, if the valley were like a molecule, you could only occupy certain specific energy levels. You could, say, be at the very bottom, or half way up, or two-thirds of the way up, but you could not be at any other altitude. When you're standing at one of the permitted altitudes, you could be said to be in one of the given "bound states" of the valley. Likewise, the atoms in the molecule can only exist in certain bound states. What these states are depends on the kind of molecules we're considering. For our paper, we consider a molecule whose parameters are such that there is only one bound state. If we go back to the example of the valley, that would mean that we can only stand at the very bottom of the valley-- no other altitude is permitted. One more thing that I may as well mention now is that the title of the paper mentions that we're considering a "weakly bound" molecule. This is akin to a very shallow valley. The implications of weak binding will be made more clear later on, so I'll leave it for now.

The other important thing mentioned in the above excerpt is the idea of "quantum tunneling." Purge your mind of the valley, for now I'm going to ask you to imagine you're riding a bike toward a hill. I'm also going to ask you to imagine, for the sake of argument, that once you start climbing the hill you stop pedalling you bike. If you were going fast enough before you started climbing, then you'll have enough kinetic energy to coast over the top of the hill and reach the other side. If not, you'll come to a stop before the crest of the hill and begin rolling back down. This makes sense, so of course quantum mechanics has to find some way screw it up. The way it does this is through the phenomenon of quantum tunneling (since my paper was published in an American journal, I will continue to spell it as "tunneling," and not "tunnelling").

What I'm about to tell you is strange, but since I'll have to discuss it eventually, and since it does have bearing on the explanation of quantum tunneling, I figure I may as well get it out of the way now. Do you remember in science class when you were taught that light behaves as a wave? Do you also remember hearing somewhere or reading somewhere that light is composed of particles called photons? Did you ever step back and wonder why scientists just can't seem to make up their bloody minds on the issue? Is light a wave or a series of particles? It must be one or the other, it can't be both. Well, according to quantum mechanics, light is both a wave and a series of particles. . . and so is everything else! Electrons, protons, atoms, molecules, your computer, you yourself. . . all waves. "But waves of what?," you might ask. Probability. Basically, the wave part of a given object, be it a photon, electron, atom, or molecule, determines the probability of observing that object at a given place (it also gives the probability of the object having a given momentum, but that's a whole other story). I'm oversimplifying a bit, but at any position where there's a crest in the wave, the probability of observing a particle at that position is high; wherever there's a trough, the probability is low.

This complicates the study of physics at the microscopic level quite a bit. Since the days of Newton, physics has always used particles to understand the laws of motion, with the implicit assumption that we can always take a measurement or make an observation and determine where the particle is at any given time. Additionally, if we know exactly where a particle is, what its speed and direction of motion is, and all of the forces acting on it are, it was assumed that the laws of physics could be used to predict its position and velocity at any time, past, present, or future. It was assumed, in other words, that the laws of physics act in a deterministic way. Quantum mechanics, however, says that, if we think in terms of particles, the laws of physics must probabilistic. But this means that we cannot use physical laws to make any solid predictions about the behaviour of a given object, rendering those physical laws next to useless. However, it turns out that if we think instead in terms the probability waves mentioned earlier, we have a lot more luck. Unlike particles, probability waves do behave deterministically. Understanding just how these waves behave allows physicists to make some very interesting, very counter-intuitive predictions.

In the macroscopic world that we all live in, this doesn't really amount to much. Even though there is a probability wave associated with each of us, the probability of any of us being exactly where we are is 100%. At the microscopic level, however, this becomes much more pronounced. One example of how much more pronounced it is quantum tunneling. Recall the proverbial hill I discussed earlier. The microscopic equivalent to the hill is something called a "potential barrier." Imagine some microscopic particle approaching a potential barrier with some given kinetic energy. If it behaved the same way as the bike climbing the hill, then the particle would definitely pass if it had high enough kinetic energy, and would definitely not pass if it didn't. But, you'll recall, nothing is "definite" as far as particles are concerned, and in order to make predictions we have to think in terms of the wave, or "wave function" in physicist parlance, associated with the particle. It turns out that, no matter what the energy of the incoming particle, a chunk of the wave will always manage to travel past the barrier. What this means is that, no matter what the energy of the incoming particle, there is some probability that the particle will be observed on the other side of the barrier. This is like the bicycle appearing on the other side of the hill even though it was only going fast enough to make it half way up-- the only way this could happen is if the bicycle travelled through a tunnel in the hill. Hence, "quantum tunneling." Make no mistake, though, the particle didn't "dig" its way through the potential barrier. Rather, the laws of quantum mechanics allowed the particle to travel through the barrier as though it were not there at all.

If we're only considering a single particle incident upon a given barrier, then it's relatively easy to calculate the wave function and thus find the probability of tunneling. However, when we start to consider more complex objects like, say, a diatomic homonuclear molecule, things get very ugly. Instead of one particle, we now have to consider two, which means we have to consider the object as having size and being spread out in space. Moreover, these two particle are being affected not only by the potential barrier but by the force attracting them to each other. This attractive force creates a "potential well"-- the microscopic equivalent to the metaphorical valley-- which must be taken into account as well. Recall also that the molecule can exist in any one of a number of bound or unbound states. As a result the molecule can undergo changes of state upon interacting with the potential barrier. These factors complicate things so much that the tunneling of molecules wasn't seriously investigated until 1994. Quantum tunneling of single particles, on the other hand, has been investigated since the 1920's.

From the next part of the abstract:

In the first study, we investigate the tunneling of a molecule using a time-dependent formulation. The molecular wave function is modeled as a Gaussian wave packet, and its propagation is calculated numerically using Crank-Nicholson integration.

(Our paper is actually a combination of two different studies. We had initially intended to publish two papers, but due to various circumstances we decided to publish both studies in a single paper.)

In quantum mechanics, you can look at things in either a "time-independent" way or a "time-dependent" way. For the purposes of describing the results in the paper, the difference between the two formulations is as outlined as follows.

In studies of quantum tunneling, we're usually interested in calculating the probability that a given object will be observed ahead of the barrier-- "probability of tunneling"-- or behind the barrier-- "probability of reflection". The time-independent formulation is very useful for calculating these probabilities, but it's not useful for describing what happens to the molecule as it's tunneling through the barrier. In order to study this, the so-called "tunneling dynamics," you need to use a "time-dependent" formulation. The problem is that this is quite a bit harder to do than using a time-independent formulation. For that reason, every study (that we're aware of) in molecular tunneling that came before this paper used a time-independent formulation. In other words, to my and my co-authors' knowledge, this paper is the first to use a time-dependent formulation to investigate the tunneling of molecules, making me and my co-authors the world's foremost experts in time-dependent molecular tunneling!

What's that, Alexandre Bilodeau? You're the first Canadian to win gold at the Winter Olympics on home soil? Big whoop.

Anyway. With a time-dependent formulation, we basically created a computer simulation of the molecule's wave function and calculated how the wave function behaves as it interacts with a potential barrier. That, in a nutshell, is what all that talk about "Gaussian wave packets" and "Crank-Nicholson integration" is referring to. It was a very difficult calculation. Like all previous work done at UNBC on molecular tunneling, we had to use the university's supercomputer in order to run the simulations. So what do we have to show for it?

We found that the molecule could take one of multiple paths once it begins to interact with the barrier. For one, it could reflect. Basically, the molecule hits the barrier, temporarily breaks apart (i.e. transitions to an unbound state), recombines, and bounces back from the barrier. This isn't really a surprising result. But a couple of the other paths it could take are surprising.

From the abstract:

It is found that a molecule may transition between the bound state and an unbound state numerous times during the process of reflection from or transmission past the barrier.

This means that, if the molecule follows a path such that it does tunnel through the barrier, it will break apart and recombine some number of times before it passes the barrier. The reason we think this happens is summarized, in highly simplified fashion, as follows. We chose to use a very thin potential barrier called a delta barrier. In time-independent studies, this barrier provided results that captured many of the features of tunneling when more realistic barriers were used. We think that when the molecule hits the delta barrier, there's a chance that one of the molecules passes the barrier, but the other is reflected by it, and hence the molecule breaks up. However, there is still an attractive force drawing the molecules toward each other, so the atom that passed the barrier may be drawn back toward the atom that remained behind the barrier and eventually recombine with it.

This leads into another surprising result, one that is not considered in time-independent studies:

It is also found that, in addition to reflecting and transmitting, the molecule may also temporarily straddle the potential barrier in an unbound state.

In other words, the molecule, upon contacting the barrier, stays near the barrier for a relatively long time. This is what happens when the scenario described in the last paragraph occurs repeatedly, only without the molecule recombining and entering into a bound state. Straddling, as we called it, does not occur for a molecule in the bound state. In order for a molecule to break up, it needs energy. This energy comes from the initial kinetic energy of the molecule. Straddling occurs when the energy needed to break up the molecule is nearly the same as the kinetic energy of the molecule, so that when the molecule breaks up, the atoms don't have very much kinetic energy left. Again, this is a bit of an oversimplification, but it captures the main physical features of what's going on.

In the second study, we consider the case of a molecule incident in the bound state upon a step potential with energy less than the step. We show that in the limit where the binding energy e0 approaches zero and the step potential V0 goes to infinity, the molecule cannot remain in a bound state if the center of mass gets closer to the step than an arbitrarily large distance x0 which increases as the magnitude of e0 decreases, as V0 increases, or both. We also show that, for e0→0- and V0→∞, if the molecule is incident in the bound state, it is reflected in the bound state with probability equal to unity, when the center of mass reaches the reflection distance x0. We verify that the unbound states exhibit the expected physical behavior. We discuss some surprising results.

The second study, unlike the first, was entirely analytical, i.e. pen and paper mathematics, with no computers needed. What we considered was the case of a molecule that was extremely weakly bound incident upon a "hard wall" potential barrier, that is a potential barrier that was very long and very high. The binding energy is the term e0 referred to above; the term V0 refers to the energy "height" of the potential barrier. We considered this case, initially, as a simple test of our calculations. It turned out that this "simple" case was actually very hard, and yielded very counter intuitive results, as I'll explain below.

Intuitively, what we expected to happen for the weakly bound molecule to come close to the barrier and break up, with the atoms reflected away from the wall. What we found instead is that there is a distance, x0, from the wall within which the molecule cannot remain in the bound state. The distance x0 grows larger the more weakly bound the molecule is. Furthermore, we found that the probability of the molecule being reflected in the bound state approaches 100% in the case of extremely weak binding and extremely large potential barrier height. Taken together, this means that a weakly bound molecule, coming towards the hard wall potential barrier from a very long ways away, comes to a within a distance x0 from the barrier, and is then reflected away from the wall in the bound state. To get a bit of an idea of how weird this is, imagine throwing a brittle champagne at a brick wall. You'd expect it to hit the wall and shatter, with shards of glass boucing back. If the glass behaved like a weakly bound molecule, what would happen instead is that the glass comes within 50 feet of the wall and bounces back, intact. A champagne glass is more than a little bit different from a diatomic, homonuclear molecule, I know, but you get the idea.

Connections between our results and investigations done in cold atoms, excitons, Cooper pairs, and Rydberg atoms are discussed.

Apart from the sheer difficulty of the calculations, another problem with the study of molecular tunneling is in connecting it to real world applications. Direct experimental applications don't yet exist. However, connections can be drawn to many real world systems. Rydberg atoms, for instance, can be modelled pair of weakly bound particles, i.e. a very high energy electon and an atomic nucleus + lower energy electons. Rydberg atoms can also combine to form very weakly bound molecules. Collisions of Rydberg atoms with the surfaces of certain materials has been investigated. This scenario is akin to a weakly bound molecule incident upon a hard wall.

The tunneling of other composite particle objects, like excitons and Cooper pairs, can also be studied and are a subject of research interest. Cooper pairs are basically bound pairs of electrons which exist inside superconductors, and are indeed what make supercondutivity possible. Excitons are weird things that form inside of semiconductors and other materials. Basically, when an electron in such a material becomes excited, i.e. gains energy (by means of a photon collision, for example), it leaves an "electron hole," or absence, in whatever state it used to be it. This "hole," weirdly enough, behaves like another particle, and what's more, it can become bound the excited electron, forming an electon-hole "molecule" known as an exciton.

So, there you have it. I've summarized my crowning acheivement as a physicist, and with that out of the way, I'll get back to work on what really matters-- Sailor Moon: The Movie!

See, Ainu He Was Gonna Do More Racial Stuff!

Reasons Why I Should Write the Sailor Moon Movie #6: Makoto Kino



I had initially planned to do the character sketches for Ami, Rei, and Makoto all in one shot. I realized by the end of my post on Ami that it would take way too long to do that, so I broke it up into three parts. While this has allowed for more detail, it's also led to me dragging out a particular theme, namely the issue of race in Japan and how that plays into my ideas for various Sailor Moon characters. Not only does this make it seem like I really only have one idea that I'm just stretching to its limit, it makes it look like my version of Sailor Moon isn't, well, fun. But, drag it out I must, at least for one more part. I mentioned in the last post that Rei Hino is one of the most inconsistently portrayed characters in Sailor Moon. Makoto Kino, on the other hand, has been fairly consistent, and I will not change that. Apart from a few details meant to further explain her situation, the Makoto Kino that appears in my movie will be essentially the same Makoto Kino we all know and love. With one really huge exception.

Pictured above is musician and activist Mina Sakai. If she were younger, and an actress, I would have wanted her to play Makoto Kino. One reason is that she bears a passing resemblance to Mew Azama, who played Makoto on PGSM. The other reason is that Sakai is Ainu. For your consideration:

The Kinos, husband and wife, travelled from Hokkaido to Tokyo in the early nineties, when they were in their twenties. They rented an apartment in the Azabujuuban neighborhood, and lived a modest lifestyle supported by the husband's employment as a junior executive at an airline company. The Kinos were both Ainu, but for the purposes of the husband's career, they were never open about this. Apart from a few artifacts-- cute trinkets from Hokkaido, they always insisted-- there was nothing to distinguish the Kinos from any other salaryman family. Their secrecy about this matter extended to the point that even after the Japanese Diet's 1998 passing of a resolution officially recognizing Ainu culture, the Kinos decided not to reveal their heritage to their only child, daughter Makoto.

Makoto was large, strong girl for her age, and assertive, but other than that she was a normal Japanese girl, interested in all of the normal Japanese girl things of the time: flowers, cooking, J-pop, and of course Sailor V, the smash hit anime about a lone sailor-suited heroine and her never-ending battle against crime! She did get into the occasional scuffle at times usually over some boy making some comment about her "bushy" eyebrows. Despite her size, Makoto typically lost these fights. Knowing that she wouldn't back down from a fight even they asked her to, her parents decided that she should learn martial arts. Makoto was enrolled in Judo classes, and later studied Tae Kwon Do as well. The number of smack-talking incidents subsequently underwent a massive decrease.

Things were looking good for Makoto by the time she was ten years old. Her father was moving up the company ranks, earning a major promotion. To celebrate, the parents decided to take a second honeymoon in Hokkaido, knowing that the promotion would lead to much less time together. They would leave Makoto to take care of herself-- they would only be gone for a few days after all. Tragically, the plane that her parents boarded-- owned by the very same company that her father worked for-- lost power during takeoff and crashed into Tokyo Bay, killing all on board. Makoto, who gone to Tokyo International to bid her parents farewell, saw everything.

Investigations into the crash led to revelations that the company that owned the crashed plane was involved in a major bribing scandal, allegedly involving members of the Japanese Diet (including the controversial Takashi Hino). Some compared the incident to the Lockheed bribing scandals of the fifties, sixties, and seventies.

The media storm that erupted around the crash and subsequent scandal mostly bypassed Makoto (she did one interview for an up-and-coming reporter from NHK's English service, but that's it). Having no extended family back in Hokkaido, Makoto faced the prospect of entering into Japan's notoriously crappy foster care system. Instead, she took the extraordinary step of seeking legal emancipation. Because she had access to a fairly substantial amount of money (consisting of her parent's savings, life insurance, and a "severance package" from the airline company-- one that came with a condition that Makoto would not sue) the courts granted her conditional emancipation-- she would have to periodically show that she is in good financial status, that her home is well kept, and that she's staying out of trouble.

Thus, Makoto continued to live on her own, maintaining her family's apartment and trying to live her life as she had before. The realities of living on her own toughened Makoto somewhat, but she remained traumatized from witnessing her parents' deaths. The trauma did little to help her temper-- often the only thing holding her back from starting a fight with someone was remembering that her emancipation was conditional. She also began to wonder about the "Hokkaido trinkets" scattered about the apartment, and whether her parents may have been hiding something from her. . .

By the time Makoto is fifteen years old, her money is running out, due to the legal fees involved in fighting for emancipation. She splits her time between school, part-time jobs (one of which involves catering), martial arts, keeping the apartment in good order. . . and a boyfriend, her senpai. Unfortunately, her senpai does not value the relationship as much as Makoto does, and often flirts with other girls. When Makoto sees this happening, she loses all restraint and coldcocks the motherfucker-- an act she regrets almost immediately afterward. The school administration says that are willing to keep things quiet, but she will have to transfer to another school. . .

If THIS doesn't convince Hollywood that I'm the man to write Sailor Moon. . .

Since August, I've been working on submitting a manuscript to the scientific journal Physical Review A. The work presented therein is an extension of my master's thesis work. This morning I received notification that the manuscript has been accepted for publication. There are still a few steps to go through, and I don't know yet when it'll be published. I'll keep you guys updated. Maybe in a future post, I can give the title, author list, abstract and a layman's summary of the results. Until then, it's time to celebrate.

Happy New Year!

Now start commenting on my Sailor Moon Movie posts! I know you're out there, and I need someone to tell me just how bad an idea this really is!

P.S. I saw Avatar. It'll do, but when it comes to using aliens as a thinly veiled metaphor for racism, I prefer District 9. This, really, is what Avatar amounts to-- a shiny, happy District 9.

The Ugly Canadian

AKA CAP Congress Part II + Colorado.

I started this blog post in August, and I've been putting off for months. When you see how long it is, you'll understand why.

For the first twenty-five years of my life, I never set foot outside of my home country of Canada. Hell, the only other province that I ever visited was Alberta, and that barely even counts when you're from central BC.

However, this past summer, I travelled to the United States of America not once, but twice. The first visit was my return journey from the CAP Congress in Moncton, NB, with my sister Naomi. The second was a camping trip in Colorado that I went on with my parents. These journeys have taken me through two great American metropolises (Chicago and Denver), numerous towns small in size but grand in character, great plains, high mountain passes, lush forests, priceless national monuments, and one really overrated national park.

And in the end, it has left me feeling like dumb tourist.

For one thing, stereotypes be damned, I found Americans to be friendlier and more polite than Canadians! Granted, I spent the majority of my time in mid-west states like Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado, which might well be friendlier-than-average parts of the country. And granted, for the purposes of the above comparison, I am deliberately forgetting about just how pleasant the people of New Brunswick were. But still. . . I'll give you a couple of examples. First, during the Colorado trip, when me and my parents were stopped at rest area after crossing the Montana border, an American couple returning from a trip in Alberta came up to us, expressed what a wonderful time they had in Alberta, and wished us Canadians safe and pleasant travels! I know this should be stroking my national ego somewhat, but never in my life have I encountered Canadians that warm and open. It made me feel like a classless bum, not to mention, as I said earlier, a dumb tourist.

Another instance of American friendliness occurred on the return trip from Colorado. Me and my parents drove in separate vehicles-- I drove the tiny, spunky Pontiac Vibe, while my parents took turns driving a pick-up loaded with a camper. As you can imagine, there were times when I would take a considerable lead on the highway. At one point I got so far ahead that I had to pull over and wait for them at the side of the highway (this was near Casper, Wyoming, a nice little town that has the distinction of being the birthplace of Dick Cheney). As I waited, a pair of passer-bys (a mother and daughter) pulled to the side of the road in front of me and asked if I needed assistance! Again, never in Canada has that happened to me.

What makes this even more weird was that Naomi seemed, at some points, to have the complete opposite reaction to mine when it came to Americans. I remember stopping at Subway restaurant in a small Minnesota town just off I-90. We had to contend with the lunch rush, so it was crowded, but I enjoyed it-- the Minnesotan townsfolk seemed pleasant, in spite of limited space. However, when Naomi and I returned to the car, the first words she said were "Americans are such stupid classless assholes." This aroused my curiosity, so I probed further. "I was holding a door open for some guy and he doesn't say anything, so I say 'you're welcome!' and he says 'oh, oh, thank you.' God!" So, yeah.

I will note that there was one unpleasant encounter I had with an American, but that has to do with the overrated national park I mentioned earlier, so I'll come back to it later. For now, I will segue awkwardly into discussing the many sights, sounds and other attractions I partook upon during my American sojourn!

Chicago! Went by too fast for me to really take it in. But Sears Tower is... I'm sorry, Willis Tower is pretty impressive.

Albany! Naomi and I stayed there for a night! Then we ate at the local IHOP! There we heard real blue collar New Yorkers speak. And it was good. Though I have to say, the McDonald's service there is shitty, at least if the place I went to was at all indicative.

The Mississippi! We crossed the famous river, which essentially formed that part of the Wisconsin-Minnesota border through which we were driving. And yes, I did say "M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i" to myself to make sure that I would spell it properly.

Cleveland! Yeah, so that would be a third great American metropolis that I forgot to mention. We drove a convoluted route through the city on our way to Chicago. It wasn't as bad a Calgary, though. Driving through Calgary is like trying to find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, except both the gold and the rainbow are buried at the horizon, and your only hope of finding it is with a treasure map, only the map itself was burned, so you have to rely on a recorded transcription of the map that can only be played on Thomas Edison's original prototype phonograph, and the transcription itself was translated from Japanese Haiku into Chinese Shi and then into French Rondeau. Yeah, it's a strange metaphor, but you trying connecting from Highway #1 east to Highway #2 south in Calgary sometime!

South Dakota! Near the Minnesota border, me and Naomi stopped at a small gas station. I after filling up the car, I went in to pay for the fuel, when the clerk, a man in maybe his sixties with a slow drawl that-- and I'm not trying to insult the man-- suggested a head injury, said "So what state are you from?"

"Actually, I'm from B.C.-- er, British Columbia."

"Oooh." the clerk said. "So. . . I heard you got the, uh, B.C. bud up there?"

"Er, yeah. We got that," I replied.

A fellow who was standing nearby, and who seemed to be a regular customer based on his interactions with the clerk, seemed to take interest. The clerk asked for the price of gas or something like that, and the other man remarked "you asked that three times today"-- this is the other reason I though the clerk might have had a head injury.

Turning to me, the other man asked "I heard that B.C. Bud is pretty good stuff."

"I wouldn't know myself, sir," I said. This provoked a fit of laughter from the two.

Then the clerk, committing the mortal sin of explaining the joke, said "I'll bet he thinks we were trying to pull a fast one on him!"

Asking for a receipt, I left with a smile on my face. For some stupid reason, I felt a little bit clever. Maybe it was just because I thought, at the time, that this is gonna make really a good story.

Mount Rushmore! It was cool. Not as big as I thought it would be, but still impressive. What surprised me was the amount of tourist-y build-up we encountered on the way to the place. I should have known better, but I kind of expected something like a highway pull-off, basically a parking lot with a gift-shop. In reality, the mountain is about a thirty mile drive south from Rapid City, SD. The road, as far as I can tell, was purpose built for travelling to Rushmore and the near-by Crazyhorse monument. A couple of miles before you even get to the parking lot, you encounter a propped up little tourist town consisting entirely of gift shops, restaurants, and resort lodges. After you've paid the ten dollar admission fee to get into the parking lot, you come up to a huge entrance, followed by a few historical exhibits and even more gift shops. Then you pass a fairly impressive avenue of all the state flags. Then, finally, you come to the monument itself. Naomi and I did take our own pictures, but we have yet to upload them to an online photo album. Naomi was not particularly enamoured of how crowded the place was; we arrived at around eight o'clock at night, and there were still at least three hundred people in attendance! Being surrounded by Americans at a fairly patriotic attraction, we were denied our God-given right as Canadians to be sarcastic about the United States. (Recall the title of this post.)

A warning about the pictures that follow. This is the first time I've ever posted pictures of myself on the internet. Now, I am not an especially good looking man at the best of times, but combine my undistinguished looks with 13 straight hours of driving, like these pictures from Mount Rushmore, or with extreme heat and a shirt one size too small, like in the pictures from Denver, and. . . well, if you're a reader who has never met me before, and have built up an image of me in your mind, prepare to have that destroyed. Again, I didn't call this "The Ugly Canadian" for nothing.

The Path:



The Mountain:



Two Awestruck Tourists:




ZOMG! ROCK!



Denver! When I was young, our family used to have a TV satellite that could pick up various American stations. One of the stations I remember fairly vividly was based in Denver. It was from this station that I first learned of the concept of time zones (since Denver is in the mountain time zone, all the programming was ahead of us by one hour) and it was our family's one stop source for Star Trek: The Next Generation. The station made a point about being based in Denver, Colorado, which any station in any city would do. Still, because of that, and because of it's impact on my childhood, when I entered Denver I felt a strange sense of coming home, even though I had never been there. So what was it like?

Duh Sssthoo Wath FUUN! Only Naomi will get that joke (it involves Matthew Broderick looking like a dumbass. . . more so). But. . . me and my Mom, during a day-long expedition to Denver, did visit the apparently famous Denver Zoo, and it was indeed fun! It was hot as hell, though, and the mile-high air did not help much. At one point, my Mom got so dizzy she had to sit down. In addition, we visited the state legislative house and Denver city hall, where we met a very nice Wisconsin family who also noted the unappealing combination of heat and thin air. We also visited our first American Wal-Mart. This was a surprisingly distressing experience: the Wal-Mart, in terms of appearance and overall layout, was exactly like the Prince George Wal-Mart, but it was far bigger. This led to the strange feeling of being back in Prince George, and yet of also being a tiny child lost in an expansive mall. The fact that my mother was with me the whole time somehow did not help to alleviate this feeling. The strangest thing about Denver, for me as a Canadian, was that it was pretty much English-Spanish bilingual. Bilingualism is our gimmick, dammit! Next you'll be telling me that President Obama is trying to pass single payer government health care, too! Fine, we'll just build up a massive military-industrial complex and ravage our environment. . . oh, wait, that last one is already underway. Never mind.

DENVER!






THE ZOO!







Georgetown, CO! The entrance to Guenalla Pass lay past Georgetown, a community that virtually defines Charming Small Town America. Granted, much of the "small town charm" may well just be a cynical, carefully crafted, moneygrubbing tourist facade. I don't care. They work hard for the money!







Guenalla Pass! Guenalla Pass is a roughly twenty mile long pass through the Colorado Rockies beginning in Georgetown, located about fifty miles west of Denver. It's highest point in nearly 12000 ft in altitude. We had to drive the pass in order to reach our campsite. Despite its short length, driving the pass took quite a long time, owing to construction (which limited traffic to a single in some parts), the fact that it was a winding mountain road replete with near-180 degree turns, and the fact that my parents were driving a pick-up loaded with a camper and hence had higher center of gravity than most vehicles. Some were not pleased with this. At one point, two Suzuki-esque "off-road" vehicles driven, based on overall appearance and behaviour, by douchebags, passed me and my parents during a fairly short straight stretch. I wouldn't have minded this, had not they driven through a puddle, and had not both my parents driver's side window and mine been open at the time.

Assholes.

But we got pictures.






As for the campsite itself? My parents-- my father, specifically-- were attending a "potlatch," a gathering of "tramps". The tramps are a society of mainly Czech ex-patriates who fled communism, seeking the wide open spaces and sweet, sweet freedom of the North American wild. This particular potlatch was an especially big deal: while most potlatches would gather all the members from a single region, province, or state, this was a gathering of tramps from across the continent. That was the theory, at least. From what I could tell, the attendance at this potlatch was about the same as the more regional events that I had attended in BC. The other tramps spoke English passably enough, but preferred Czech, and enjoyed, among other things, singing old Czech folk songs around the fire. Anyone care to guess whether I stuck around?

Not that there was a shortage of campers, though. It was the Fourth of July long weekend, after all. Incidentally, me and my mom witnessed one of these campers nearly kill herself. We were driving back to our campsite down the main dirt road when out of nowhere, some stupid girl on a ATV came barrelling down the road at what must have been at least eighty kilometers an hours-- and she was headed straight for us, seemingly out of control! She managed to veer out of the way just before hitting our car.

Asshole.

Speaking of the Fourth of July. . .

The Fourth of July! I witnessed my first Fourth of July parade in Georgetown. The entire populace was gathered on the town's main street or in the park, while firetrucks and police cars blared their sirens loudly and proudly. There was also a parade of Corvettes. Not just any sports cars, but Corvettes and Corvettes only. I'd make a joke about this being some bizarre memorial to GM and the faltering American auto industry, but since the U.S. was pretty nice to me on the whole. . . I'll just refer you again to the title of this post. I was quite disappointed by the lack of Hot Dogs-- I had to get lunch at, of all places, a restaurant specializing in eastern-European cuisine owned by a Czech! Never mind the strange coincidence. . . it was the fucking Fourth of July! Who the hell wants to eat Hungarian Gulash on the Fourth of July? I mean, it was good Hungarian Gulash, but still!!

Some more pics of Georgetown:








DUBOIS, WY! On July 5th, we started for home. However, we decided we'd take a little detour through Yellowstone National Park. After hitting Casper, we broke off toward western Wyoming. On the sixth, we passed through the small town of Dubois, which is to the Wild West what Georgetown is to small town Americana:










Yellowstone + Grand Tetons! We arrive at last to the nadir of my American experience: Yellowstone National Park.

After passing through the Wyoming desert, which included the above-mentioned Dubois, we reached the turn-off for Grand Tetons. I made the turn into Grand Tetons, but my parents did not. You see, I had the funny idea that if I took the road with the sign "Entrance to Grand Fucking Tetons Down This Fucking Road", which was not coincidentally the same road that had all the fucking toll booths saying "Pay Here To Enter Grand Fucking Tetons," I would perhaps-- and I state again that this was my just my own supposition-- GET TO GRAND FUCKING TETONS! My parents did not have the same idea, however. They chose instead to go straight down the road we were on and park at a nearby pullover. This resulted in thirty minutes of me driving up and down the same stretch of road trying in vain to re-establish useful radio contact. The most I could get was "-we don't know where you-" and "-we drove down-" which, believe you me, helped out one whole shit. Ultimately, I had to call Naomi, who ended up calling Mom, who ended up calling me. We reunited and ate hot dogs.

Now, I'm gonna be badmouthing the Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks for a little while, but let it never be said that the Grand Teton mountain range itself is not beautiful.




Anyway, we made our way back to the toll. I already paid, so I went in the entrance for ticket-holders while my parents paid for their tickets. Unfortunately, I was so focussed on my parents, ie making sure we don't get separated again, that I missed the stop sign at the entrance. Noticing my mistake, I first slammed on the brakes, and then noticing I was holding up someone behind me who was already pulling up to the toll, I drove ahead about twenty feet and pulled to the side, completely out of the way of any motorists.

Now, as you can imagine, I felt pretty sheepish about this. Still, I figured, just a simple mix-up. I pulled to the side already, so it's not like I'm trying storm the gates of Grand Tetons. I figure if I apologize and smile, maybe make light of the situation, it won't be too bad.

But no. . . Ranger Fucking Smith of the Grand Teton Republican Guard had to give me a cute little lecture. All while my parents, with whom I had hoped to remain close, drove away.

Me: Oh, man, I'm sorry about that, I didn't notice the stop sign until--

Ranger Fucking Smith: Did you see that big red sign over there?

Me: Well, yeah, I--

R.F.S.: (takes my ticket) That means stop! You know what stop means? And that sign over there with the number fifteen on it? That means fifteen miles an hour!

Me: Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir.

R.F.S.: You need to pay attention. Are you going to pay attention?

Me: Yes sir. I will. Thank you sir.

R.F.S.: Pay Attention!

Me: Thank you sir.

If you're thinking that I'm trying to make myself look more polite than I really was because I'm telling the story, let me tell you that I felt like an ass having to smile and nod so that I don't get in more trouble with this guy. If I were telling this story the way I would have wanted it to happen, well. . . it would have involved many cheap shots about R.F.S. never making it past the tenth grade and remaining here on glorified mall-cop duty whilst I would be moving on with my shiny master's degree. Yes, I am smarter than the average fucking bear.

Asshole.

Okay, to be fair, I did mess up. And it was a very busy time of year so I imagine R.F.S. was not in the highest of spirits either. But considering all this still didn't make me feel any better. In fact, after I caught up with my parents, I was fuming.

The parks (Grand Tetons and Yellowstone) themselves did little to help matters. Tetons was pretty enough but didn't last very long, and Yellowstone. . . well, Yellowstone was a tragedy. See, it turns out that a huge forest fire swept through Yellowstone in 1988, devastating much of the forest in the park, particularly the part of the park through which we passed. Looking back, I realize how sad it is for the park to have been damaged this profoundly, but at the time I was driving through, the devastated scenery, combined with the heat, the ludicrous amount of post-fourth of July traffic, and road construction that seemed to bring everything to a screeching halt every five miles. . . well, let's just say if Yellowstone blew to pieces at that moment like it did in 2012, I probably wouldn't mind.

(On a related note-- I will swallow every other stupid thing in 2012, but the idea that John Cusack and his kids could drive down an empty road and enter Yellowstone without passing so much as single toll-- well, that I simply cannot abide.)

Still, there was a glimmer of hope left: Old Faithful, the world's most famous Geyser.

Now, I had learned my lesson from Mount Rushmore. I expected a national landmark like Old Faithful to be an all out altar to the Tourist gods. What I did not expect was the population of a small city to be packed in around it. "Small city" may be exaggerating, but not by much-- I'd estimate about one thousand people gathered on the wooden walkway ring surrounding the geyser a hundred feet away (there's a tragic story behind that too--apparently, it took the death of a young boy for park officials to realize that allowing people near a geothermal vent whose outer shell is of the same thickness and approximate strength as pie crust might not be the wisest move). Plus it was hot, combination of Yellowstone's climate and the geyser itself. So, I can't say it was terribly fun, which is sad since this was the highlight of out day-trip to Yellowstone. But Old Faithful promises nothing more than a periodic vertical gush of boiling water, and after thirty minutes of waiting(ten minutes after the promised eruption time-- "faithful" indeed) that's what we got. Sideways photo of the Geyser behind my Mom below:



After leaving Yellowstone, we passed by Earthquake lake (created by the 1968 earthquake which nearly destroyed Old Faithful) and through the mountains of southern Montana, and I have to say it was far more pleasant, and beautiful, than the national park we had just left. In fact, pretty much the entire western half of Montana is beautiful. If you do plan on travelling down to the States (or up to Canada), I recommend entry through the Post of Roosville. This will take you through some very nice parts of Montana.

Bye bye Mrs. American Pie. . . for now.

So. . . my ultimate impression? Well, all I can say is that, during the Bush years, I swore would never set foot in the U.S.. Now, having seen a tiny glimpse of the country, I hope to return someday, as does my Mom. Until then, for any American readers, farewell from Canada.