I Paid 4000 Yen to go to a Women's Department Store and Watch a Play Written for Five Year Old Girls, and it Made me Feel Like a Man.

I realized for the first time today that Brother's Grimm stories may be the only stories in existence where the main character is actually a MacGuffin.

Take Snow White. What real purpose does Snow White herself serve to the story? She doesn't really develop as a character. . . hell, she barely even acts as a character. The entire plot consists of the vaiorus reactions different people have to her existence-- the Queen, the Hunter, the Prince, the Dwarves-- without the character herself having to be at all active or interesting in any way. In other words, a MacGuffin.

So what brought on this little insight?

It starts with my insecurity about my Japanese language ability. I've been getting gradually better at picking apart the various sentences I hear from the various people I have encountered in Japan, but to a still fairly large extent I've sounded and acted like the typical dumb Gaijin. My anxieties came to a head yesterday. I decided to see if I could find the location where the musical play Snow White was being performed-- why I wanted to see the play, I'll get to in a moment. I found the location easily, but upon arriving, I realized that I might have some difficulty in obtaining tickets, due to my lingual deficiencies. So, I left, despondent.

That night, I felt terrible. I worried that I might have blown my only chance to reserve tickets to this play. I beleived, at the time, that this play might be the only chance I get to see Miyuu Sawai in person. That's right, Miyuu Sawai, former live action Sailor Moon, had the lead role in a stage adaptation of Snow White, one whose run just happened to correspond with my arrival in Japan. I decided that night that I must at least try to get tickets; melodramatic as it sounds, this was about more than meeting a former pseudo-Sentai star. . . it was about self-resepct.

So I went again today, this time (mostly) prepared: I brought a hairbrush (so that I would look presentable to ticket booth lady) and my Japanese books, so I could figure out how to ask for a reservation. I travelled to the famous Mistukoshi department store in Nihonbashi, the officially protected historical site wherein the theatre was located. I cracked open my books, took down notes, considered every possibile contingency-- the tickets are sold somewhere else, the tickets are sold out for the day, the tickets are sold out period-- and, fully prepared, went to the front desk to reserve my ticket.

In all, it took about two minutes. I paid 4000 yen for a ticket that very day. I spent the next hour and a half or so bombing around the department store and buying a 500 yen prepackaged nigiri lunch. . . which, as it will turn, was not the wisest use of my time, but more on that later. At 2 o'clock, I took my seat. Between then and beginning overture, the seats swelled with three-to-five year old girls and their mothers, along with a few older girls and boys. I was the only foreigner in the whole theatre. . . though interestingly, I was not the only adult male not accompanying children. At 2:30, the show began. . .

. . . Miyuu Sawai, centre stage, dancing with two professional ballerinas. A nice touch. . .

. . . The Queen. This actress, who appears to have operatic voice training, was so deliciously over-the-top that I thought she was going to steal the show. The ballerinas are now her evil minions. . .

. . . I kid you not, the voice of the magic mirror is a dead fucking for Zordon from Power Rangers. The octave, the voice enhancement effect-- it was dead on. I half expected the mirror to order Alpha to summon five teenagers with attitude. . .

. . . Miyuu Sawai and the Prince start singing. If you don't know already, Miyuu Sawai, as her character Usagi Tsukino, released two "character singles" to help promote Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon. Her singing in the play was quite a notch better. . .

. . .The Queen, spurned by the prince and consumed with jealosy, casts a spell on him which causes him to act like an instructor at the William Shatner school of stage fighting. . .

. . . I haven't really mentioned Sawai's performance yet, so I may as well now. Apart from the fact that she plays the least interesting "lead" character ever written, Sawai is, well, Sawai. That is, she displays a lot of the rather irritatingly forced mannerisms (unsubtle in all the wrong ways) while at the same time offering numerous glimpses of what she's truly capable of as an actress. . .

. . . JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE DWARVES JUST BURST THORUGH THE SIDE DOOR AND NOW THEY'RE MARCHING THROUGH THE AISLES SINGING LOUDLY!! But seriously, it's The Fucking Dwarves who steal the show. Consisting of two men and five women, they are the comedic heart and soul of this play, mugging and pratfalling flawlessly. . .

. . . And thirty minute intermission. . .

. . . It turns out this "musical" consists of one song being repeated over and over again, and it's not a catchy song. . .

. . . Turns out princess can't cook worth a shit. I actually really liked that part. Must be the anti-royalist lefty in me, though the reaction from the always kickass dwarves really sold it. . .

. . . So we're an hour and a half in and Snow White still hasn't been poisoned. . .

. . . Oh, wait, Snow white was poisoned, Prince was broken out of prison, Prince somehow found Snow White in the middle of the woods, Queen somehow found him in the middle of the woods, big fight, Queen was killed when Prince fired Hunter's bow, kiss, wake up, lovey love love, but wait, Snow White can't leave the dwarves behind but the Prince understands. . . all in about the last ten minutes of the play. . .

That's curtain. Miyuu Sawai and the Prince bow, then the Dwarves bow, then the Queen and Hunter and others all bow, and show's over.

OR IS IT?

. . . Before I go on, there's something I have to confess. You're gonna hate me for it, nearly as much as I hate myself for it.

I didn't bring my camera.

It would be one thing if I simply forgot. But no, I made a deliberate decision not to bring my camera. I wasn't even sure that I would get to see the play at all, let alone that very day. And I was certain that whenever I did get to see the play, I wouldn't be allowed to take photos, nor would there be any photography of the actors taking place. So, I decided that it wouldn't be worth the hassle to bring the camera.

By the end of the play, this seemed like it had been a wise decision. The curtain down, the lights came on, and everybody filed out the door. But, as the audience made their way down the main hall, we were stopped by one of the theatre employees.

"Oh no," I thought. "You're not. . . Don't tell me. . . No, no, you short bald Japanese man, don't do this to me! Don't--"

And then it happened. Miyuu Sawai, the prince, and five of the seven dwarves all filed out of the same exit the audience had taken and lined up against the wall to pose for photos. Children lined up all the way back into the fucking theatre, waiting for their chance to pose with the characters of the play, while I stood just across from them, not ten feet away from the live action Sailor Moon herself.

Fuck me.

I seriously debated whether or not to stay. The line up, mostly kids and moms with a few scattered teenage girls and adult men, was pretty damn long. Plus, I was not, shall we say, exactly the target demographic of this enterprise. Eventually, sheer economic considerations won out-- I paid 4000 yen for this, I may as well get the whole experience, camera or not.

Thus, when the last of this kids passed through, I walked up to the first dwarf. She stood up (they had all been kneeling down for the kids up till this point) took my hand, and said "Arigato Gozaimasu". . . followed by "Ooki!", i.e. "Big!" I replied with my own "Arigato Gozaimasu", nodded at the mention of my size, and moved on to the next dwarf, who smiled, took my hand, thanked me, and also remarked at my size. This pattern was repeated as I made my way through the dwarves, with one of the actresses having the courtesy to break the monotony by saying "thank you very much" in English. . . followed by another remark at my size. Then came the prince. He stood up, shook my hand, thanked me in a very deep voice and then, despite being probably a good six feet tall himself, also said "ooki!" Honestly, I can't really sure whether they were shocked at how tall I was or, given the notorious ambiguity of the Japanese language, they were very politely asking what the hell someone of my age was doing at a play like this.

Up until this point I had been avoiding eye contact with Miyuu Sawai, so as not to weird her out. In retrospect, this may have actually been a mistake, given how our meeting went. After the dwarves, and the prince, finally, I came to Miyuu Sawai. Her eyes widened slightly at the sight of me-- being incredibly vain, I like to imagine that she was pleasantly surprised at the sight of a gaijin fan, especially one possessing the novelty of hugeness. She took my hand, like all the others, and thanked me for coming, and I thanked her in return. I made no mention whatsoever of Sailor Moon, thinking that it might be inappropriate for this particular venue. This is about Snow White damn it, not a role Miyuu Sawai stopped playing back in 2005. Again, in retrospect this might have been a mistake. In trying to play it as cool as I could, I worry that I may have given the impression that I had no clue who Miyuu Sawai was. To her, I was probably just some Gaijin out for a really childish day of entertainment, who had no idea at all with whom he was shaking hands.

So, after a few simple words, I parted hands with Miyuu Sawai and made my way into the crowd that awaited their chance to take yet more photos of the cast. I stood just outside the crowd, taking one last look. As the crowd broke into one last burst of applause, Miyuu Sawai caught one last glimpse of me and waved. If you've ever seen me give my dorky wave. . . well, that's the wave I gave her back, out of pure instinct. The actors retreated back into the theatre, and the crowd dispersed. I walked off, with a mixture of satisfaction, a strange lack of excitement, and extreme regret at not having brought my camera. A regret which would later be joined by a further regret at not saying, "hey, I really like you in Sailor Moon."

But, there are always second chances. It turns out that the same theatre company behind this production of "Snow White" is at work producing another play, called "Imagine 9/11". . . I could not think of more diametrically opposite subject matter. And indeed, Miyuu Sawai is slated to star in this new play. Whether or not I get the chance to meet Sawai again, I am interested in seeing this play. But I will bring the damn camera this time.

CAP Congress, Part I

Greetings from Moncton, New Brunswick!

I've just finished presenting my thesis research at the 2009 CAP congress. Naomi and I left Prince George on June 1st (I handed in my thesis and Oral Defence/External Examiner Request forms the same day) and drove cross country, arriving in Moncton on the June 5th. My journey has taught me many intersting things, about Canada, physics, and life in general. I shall now impart my wisdon in no particular order:

-- Don't wear a suit to a physics conference. You'll look like a pretentious ass, and despite your delusions to the contrary, it won't make you a more eloquent speaker.

-- The Prairies aren't as boring as they're made out to be. Then again, it's hard for any place to be boring when it's rushing past you at 140 km/h. (I kid, Mom.)

-- If you are native, you can get away with naming your convinience store 'How' Convinient. Get it?!

-- Quebec is all in French. I know I should have known that already, but that fact only really dawned upon me when we approached Quebec city and saw billboards annoucing that we were entering "La capitale nationale." Seriously. If it weren't for the fact that we needed to fuel up in Quebec city, I probably would have passed though the whole province without stopping.

-- Despite the anxiety I felt passing through Quebec, though, there were some beautiful towns along the St. Lawrence River. We had to take a detour off of Highway 40 because of construction (I think-- again, it was all French) that took us through some of these towns. This, plus Miyuu Sawai, almost makes me want to try learning French again. Almost.

-- New Brunswick, unlike pretty much the rest of Canada as far as I can tell, actually is bilingual!

-- When giving a presentation, in physics or otherwise, be sure to point at the screen in front of the room and not at the computer screen in front of you. A professor was kind enough to inform me of that rule, and as a result I'll likely be brooding on the embarassment of that moment for months. Maybe I just won't come back home. North America's a big place, I'm sure they'll never find me.

-- There's a maritime garbage disposal company named "Fero." Only three people will understand why that is so bloody weird.

-- New Brunswick, while geographically rather dull, is otherwise quite awesome. Unless you want to find an open liquor store at 11:00 pm on a saturday night. If that's the case, New Brunswick is not for you.

-- You can order a whole lobster at a restaurant in Shediac, New Brunswick. Naomi did so, while I worked on my presentation back at the hotel. Fuck!

-- Despite what you tell yourself, you cannot present thrity-nine slides of text, equations, and graphs in twelve minutes.

-- Time zones change as you travel across the country. Yet another thing I hadn't considered when planning this trip. There's actually a North American time zone east of New York.

-- We're east of New York! And Boston!

-- The beauty of Canada is greatly exaggerated. Aside from B.C., Jasper, and Ontario near the Great Lakes, Canada is just trees and plains on flat earth.

-- Parliament Hill is right smack in the middle of downtown Ottawa. I thought there would be some separation from the city centre, but there it is.

-- Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal is not as good as I imagined it would be.

Stay tuned for Part 2: America!

Miyuu Sawai Has a Blog.

Here it is.

That is all.

Lab

I'm in my Phys 111 lab. It's 7:50 pm and I'm not leaving until around 9:30. It's hard going. I mangled my introduction to the lab because I was tired and didn't prepare and basically just didn't give a shit. As a result, I think a couple of students laughed at me, and frankly, I can't blame them. On top of that, I'm also marking labs for Christine, the senior lab instructor. She's telling me that I have to "get mean," which means, in part, that I'll have to be even more vigilant in identifying mistakes than I already am, which means even more work. Either that, or I'll just have to take off more points for the same mistakes, which is easier, but not neccessarily fair to the students.

Labs. My "fuck that guy" of the evening.

(This does not bode well for me if I'm selected by JET to teach English in Japan. Come to think of it, that would have been an interesting blog topic. Way better than bitching about the shitty commercials done by my make-believe Japanese girlfriend.)

Miyuu Afterwards, or, YOU USED TO BE SAILOR MOON, GODDAMMIT!!!

Click here. You'll find a video. Don't worry, it won't take too much of your time.

Did you notice the tiny woman on the left about ten seconds in? You know, the one showing off the latest in Japanese corporate homogenization, performing a modeling task one or two small steps above that of your typical Sears mannequin?

Look at it again, if you missed it.

You'd never guess that woman used to be Sailor Moon. You know, one of the most popular Japanese heros of all time.

And now she's pitching suits.

Okay, okay, you're thinking "It's not that bad." (Or "Christ, here he goes with Miyuu Fucking Sawai again. Get a girlfriend, you fucking loser.") It's certainly not the lowest to which Miyuu Sawai has ever stooped. I already showed you the PGSM toy commercials, but even that's not so bad, she was the star of her own TV show at the time.

But the next thing I'm going to show you. . . there's just no excuse.

Just in case it doesn't show, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar7ZRoeYJKY

This commercial, first aired in 2007, did indeed star the one and only Homer Simpson. . . in Miyuu Sawai's mouth. The saddest thing is that as weird as this commercial is, it doesn't even have the benefit of being that unique, Japanese sort of weird. It's a bland, commercialist, acultural, boring kind of weird.

But it's not even the corporate aspect that bugs me. I mean, there are plenty of successful actors who do commercials. Like this one:

Denny Crane.

Sure, the Commodore Vic-20 has "a real computer keyboard," but that's not what made it "The Wonder Computer of the 1980s" TM.

No, it was William Shatner. By mere whim, Shatner took some hunk of ugly plastic with a five kilobyte memory and declared that for the remainder of an entire decade, no other computer shall surpass it Wonder-ness. He made the Vic-20.

And that's the difference. The Vic-20 commercial was really an advertisement not of a computer, but of the awesomeness that is Shatner. It's really his way of saying "I made it."

On the other hand, Sawai's commercials seem like a retreat back to anonymity. In both cases she's secondary to the product. The suit commercial's focus is on the spokeswoman, who in turn is directing the viewer's attention not to Sawai but to her clothes. The donut commercial features an extreme close-up of Sawai's visage, and even then, even then, she's upstaged by a freakin' cartoon. IN HER OWN MOUTH!

The weird thing is, before a couple of days ago, I thought I had made peace with donut commercial. The year 2008 was relatively good for Sawai. She landed a small roll in the film Shaolin Girl, a Japanese pseudo-sequel to Shaolin Soccer. She also co-hosted an educational series for NHK called "French TV" (at least I think that's how it translates), which as its name suggests is focused on teaching French to Japanese speakers. I would have loved to have found some clips from the show, but so far I've not had any luck.

On top of this, she did a few TV guest roles. My favourite out of all of these-- and the one for which it was easiest to get clips-- was her appearance as a bicycle delivery girl on the series Tomika Hero Rescue Force, a show that manages to make PGSM look subtle and restrained by comparison.

The episode was uploaded in three parts; I've put up the second part below. The best scene starts at about seven minutes in.

For whatever reason, that scene always reminds me this classic movie moment:

While some people-- those lacking vision-- would call that bike leap scene moronic, you can't deny that it's a huge step up from smuggling an amorphous pirated copy of The Simpson's Movie inside one's mouth. And you can't deny that that clothing ad was a step down. Unless you're talking in terms of good taste, in which case, why are you reading this blog?

I don't know quite how to close this entry in any logical way, so I'll just conclude with another reference to Yor: The Hunter from the Future.

Tycho Crater Imaged

Remember Selene/Kayuga, that probe Japan sent into lunar orbit? Well, using photographs and altitude measurements taken by the probe, scientists at the Japanese Space Agency have constructed a 3D map of the lunar crater Tycho.

Click here for a video. It's a big file, but it's worth it.

(Thanks Bad Astronomy)

Guess Where I'm Writing From!

Give up?

My Lab!

Yay!

Details.

I'm currently in room 8-229 of UNBC, and I'm teaching the second experiment out of eight in the Physics 101 lab curriculum. I began writing at approximately 12:30, and won't be out of here until just before 2:30.

What am I teaching? Standing waves in a tube. Basically, we just put a speaker at the end of a long tube, connect it to a function generator to control the frequency and amplitude, and run a microphone down the tube in order to determine (a) the resonance frequencies at which standing waves form, and (b) the nodes and anti-nodes of said waves. Measuring the speed of sound fits in there as well. None of this really matters. The important thing is that you can make cool videogame and old-timey radio sounds with the speaker/function generator apparatus.

Two students just came up to me to get their data tables signed. It's a new anti-plagiarism measure. I told them that they have to re-write their data in pen before I would sign it. They were not happy, and I don't blame them.

It's cool that Christine set up a computer right at the desk. If she didn't, this blog entry would never be. I also checked my UNBC email before writing this entry, which reminded me why I so so so so so so so hate to use UNBC email.

12:40.

If someone raised their hand right now I wouldn't even know it. That's a cool feeling.

More students came to get their forms signed. Here comes one now! Alright!

These labs really are exhausting. I only really "work" for half an hour during the actual period, in which I give the pre-lab lecture. This is actually the worst part of it. I've gotten a bit better at these lectures, in that I don't feel quite as horrible doing it as I used to, yet I still get the distinct impression that my students consider me a horrible horrible tool. And their right.

They're right.

Sorry.

A couple of students have left. Fine by me, as long as they got all their data. I figure if they really want to crap out and leave early, that's fine. If it turns out to be a mistake for them to leave, they'll pay for it in their marks. If not, why be a douche and make them stay?

12:45.

I missed a seminar being given today by Dr. Shegelski, my grad supervisor. He was talking about research in molecular tunneling in which I was involved. "Involved" meaning that I was standing in the same general place that awesome research by Jeff and Hal was being done and getting paid for it all the same.

I missed it because I had to come here and do stupid prep for the stupid lab. That's the other exhausting thing about these labs. I usually come into the lab room about an hour and a half in advance to make sure that I'm really truly prepped for the experiment at hand. And even then, my preparation is still often grossly incomplete.

They're really piling on to me now. I just signed four data tables, and two are on the way.

12:55. I'm glad I had deluxe breakfast at A&W. There are many reasons for this, one involving the drive in teller girl at McDonalds. Ask my mom about that sometime.

Two students seem to be absolutely captivated by a poster of spectra for various elements. Leni just left. She thought I didn't know her, just because I acted like I didn't know her. I get nervous in these labs! Sue me.

I'm just realizing how abstract my blog labels are becoming. For this post, I've already attached labels like "Just Another Fist," "No One Can Hear You Scream,"-- two more data tables signed-- and "There Can Be Only One." Maybe I'll make up another tag of two. I'll have to give it some thought though. There's abstract and then there's just dumb.

1:03. I have no labs next week. For that, I'll attach the "Circular Celebrations" label.

I came to the lab rooms earlier in the week. The rooms that I teach in are on the second floor of the Teaching Lab building, with big windows that face toward the east. The mountains are blocked by haze today, as they often are, but when I came earlier in the week, on one of those days when it turned to biting cold, the sky was so clear that I could see the Rockys fifty or a hundred kilometers away. There weren't any students when I came in that time. If there were, I would have begun the lecture by just showing them the view, letting them soak it in for a minute or two, because they would likely never see that kind of view again.

Created new label-- "The View From Where I Am."

I've got the stupid live action Sailor Moon theme stuck in my head. I thought it might be a good idea for one of the hosts of a late night show going without writers, like Conan O'Brien or Colbert, to digitally insert themselves into episodes of the series, reciting actual dialogue from the show in really pathetic Japanese. Just imagine Conan as Mamoru-- I don't care if you don't know what I'm talking about!-- in a really big ugly Beatles wig hair cut that seems to be all the rage in Japan. Hilarious. And the best part: it's all legit! (it's Writers Guild of AMERICA. Suck it, union lawyers!)

If I started playing an episode of Sailor Moon right now, would anyone in the lab watch? Probably not.

Added label "Miyuu Sawai."



And with that, I bid you adieu.

UPDATE: Added label "Wow".

This is the end. . .

Ladies and, well, A.J., I present to you the long awaited return of. . . The Spice Girls!

Or, as I prefer to think of it:

Perhaps more to the point:

Yeah, like that, only cause by five girls from an island nation.

I got it!

Yup. Somehow that pretty much sums up how I feel right about now.

To Quote Tess . . .

Death.

UPDATE: And let's all wish a very happy birthday to Miyuu Sawai. That is all.

Miyuu is an Angel in Disguise. . . LOOK INTO MY EYES!

Much as I love Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, I can still be honest about it. Like all children's shows, it is designed to sell toys. Most kids, at some level, understand that. However, for the slower, denser bunch, further measures may be neccessary. Thus, I present to you, courtesy of the Toei corporation, Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon toy commericials, starring the unreasonably lovely Miyuu Sawai:

Sailor Moon Heart Moon Brooch and Moonlight Stick

Sailor Moon Makeup/Jewelery Set

Sailor Moon Henshin Phone

Sailor Moon Stationary Set

Sailor Moon Princess Harp

Sailor Moon Colouring Desk

Sailor Moon Henshin Dress-up

PLUS, act now and get these two pre-Sailor Moon Miyuu Sawai commercials absolutely free!

I See a Red (Chinese) Moon a Risin'. . .

Hello, Both of My Readers. . .

This one's gonna be kind of a hodgepodge post-- a bit of world news, a bit of personal news, and a funny video. Because what's Kyle Took a Bullet For Me without a funny video?

Nothing.

Anyway. . . first, a bit of interesting news. It looks like China is planning to put an unmanned spacecraft in lunar orbit by the end of this year. The orbiter's purpose is to take three dimensional images of lunar surface. If successful, the Chinese hope to make an unmanned landing by 2012, with a manned landing to follow at some unspecified date.

I actually really like the idea of a Chinese moon mission. First off, I'm kind of a lapsing space junkie, so any plans to send human beings more than four hundred miles from Earth's surface will automatically peak my interest. Second, I would really love for the Chinese to one-up President Bush and his plans to re-establish a U.S. presence on the Moon. Third, well. . .



She's Sailor Moon! And she's Asian! That can't be a coincidence!

Okay, that was a little off. But what's Kyle Took a Bullet For Me without a blatant allusion to the live action Sailor Moon series?

Nothing.

Anyway. . . The second thing I wanted to mention was that the research paper I co-authored has finally been published. The paper is titled "Quantum Mechanical Versus Semiclassical Tunneling and Decay", and was researched and written by Dr. Mark R.A. Shegelski, Jeff Hynbida, and myself. As I mentioned in my last post, I hope to write a summary of the paper in a future post. For now, if you're actually interested enough to want to read the paper, it's in the June 2007 issue of the American Journal of Phyics, which by now you're likely to find in the UNBC library.

Finally, a video for probably the coolest song I've heard this week. Enjoy!

Three Simple Words. . .

Hallo alles.

I'm planning on writing a new entry on the research that I worked on last summer-- as some of you already know, I co-authored a paper scheduled to be published in the American Journal of Physics sometime between May and September.

But for now, I give you something completely random and occasionally hilarious, courtesy of Angelfirebabe at Youtube. Even though there are three videos, they're all very short-- the longest is under a minute and a half-- so it won't take up too much of your precious time. Enjoy!

Part I

Part II

Part III