This is a post of farewells, but also of new beginnings.
I've been meaning to post here for a while. Much has happened since I last blogged about. . . Home Depot? I dunno. I don't even remember.
First, I took part in the BC Japanese Speech contest, winning second place in the University division, Beginner category. I would have posted my speech on the blog, except that the copyright is held by the BC Japanese Speech Contest Organizing Committee. Basically, I talked about the time I met Miyuu Sawai (a story you can read about on this blog), and how that taught me courage and whatever.
Second, I've been doing a lot of thinking about that little Sailor Moon side project I started back in 2010, which in the absence of actual writing on the topic could be mistaken for giving up on it. I won't go into details here. . . I'll just mention that it's still on my mental back burner.
Third, and perhaps most significantly, I've been officially accepted into the JET program as an A.L.T.. I'm going back to Japan! Specifically, I'll be going to the town of Shirakawa. . .
. . . in Fukushima prefecture. . .
. . . What? You wanna-- oh, wait, I already said that.
Anyway, I'm coming up on a new phase in my life, and along with that I hope to enter a new phase of my writing. Kyle Took A Bullet For Me was my first blog. It was, incidentally, also the medium for my first screenplay, Sailor Moon. I look back at both of these things as a huge rough draft of who I want I want to be as a writer, which is probably the best way you can look at something that you're really not all that proud of in retrospect. I mean, hell, the friggen name of this blog was taken from a Tenacious D song. Not a sign of terrific originality.
So, to commemorate the end (for the foreseeable future anyway) of my life in P.G., in Canada, and in Physics, I've decided to officially end Kyle Took a Bullet For Me. . .
. . . and launch my new blog, Doin' the Nihon Go Go, a chronicle of science, life in Japan, creative ideas (more carefully exposited than my Sailor Moon stuff was), and whatever the hell else I want to write about. All on a damn schedule this time!
So, yeah. Get over there! There might not be anything written up yet, but at least you can admire the template.
Update: I've closed down comments on this blog, mainly so that spambots will stop bothering me.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
More Saving. More. . . er, we'll get back to you.
Back in fall of 2005, I briefly worked as a salesman at Home Depot. Briefly, as in two weeks.
That summer, I had gotten a temporary job at Save On Foods, stocking shelves as part of an inventory reorganizing at two Save On Foods locations. It was the first "real" job I ever had (I had done some earlier part time work at an photo editing company run from the home of a family friend) and once I got over a few of the hiccups involved in working retail (like, um, people) I actually quite enjoyed it. So with school-- and tuition and textbook payments-- coming up, I was thrilled when I was hired to work as a salesman at the recently opened Home Depot.
Two weeks later, I quit. Officially, the reason I left Home Depot was because I was hired as a physics lab instructor at the university. But honestly, I probably could have stayed on at Home Depot while also studying and teaching lab. The real reason I left is because I hated the job.
The problem I always had with looking back at my time at Home Depot was that I could never decide whether it was that I sucked as Home Depot employee or that Home Depot sucked as a workplace. One the one hand, I've never been the most socially graceful, and lack of social grace can be a detriment when half of your job is basically "talk to people and convince them to buy things". Plus, I've never been particularly inclined toward home repair and maintenance, despite/because of my upbringing. So, given my proclivity toward second-guessing myself (see the Family Guy/Star Trek II debacle), and given the fact that I was never again able to get a "real" job (i.e. outside UNBC), a part of me believed that I was simply not cut out for "real" work.
On the other hand, though. . . Home Depot kinda sucked. When I was hired, I was assigned to kitchen and bathroom sales-- as many put it, "selling toilets." Fine, I thought as the interview ended. I mean, I know next to nothing about kitchen- and bathroom-ware, but come on, they must assume that, right? They saw my resume, they know what level of home repair background I'm coming from, right? I'll get all the training I need. No sweat.
It turns out that "training" amounted to watching a few hours or useless video-- one of which was all about avoiding back injury by, you know, being careful 'n stuff, another of which was all about Home Depot's program to provide support for employees competing in the Olympics because hey that so applies to us!-- followed by us new workers being thrown out on to the floor and told to help customers. I'm serious. Right after "training", the new employees kicked out of the employee lounge and literally told "you have ten minutes to go out and help these customers", otherwise known as the "learn to swim by drowning" approach.
For the next two weeks, I tried as well as I could to learn the ropes. My immediate supervisor, a former soldier, was a nice enough boss, and I managed to get some stocking work done from time to time, but it wasn't enough to compensate for the systematic problems of working at Home Depot. First, there was lack of training-- one thing that sticks out is one time when, despite having received no formal instruction in how to sell kitchen and bathroom-ware (even info that I could study on my own time), I was told during my third day at work to take off my "In Training" pin, which in addition to being the fracking truth was also my one safety net in dealing with often nerved out customers. Another was the unpredictable hours-- despite assurances that I could work around my class schedule, my work hours more than once overlapped with a class period. I was able to talk to someone to get the hours changed those first couple of times, but I wondered how long I could keep doing that. Yet another problem was the fact I would sometimes get temporarily "transferred" to another store department, like electrical or plumbing or lumber; it was hard enough learning to function in the department in which I was supposed to be working without being thrown into a completely different one. This last problem, undoubtedly, springs from what one good-natured customer described as the Home Depot Experience: "Sixteen hundred square feet, four employees." I knew he was exaggerating, but even at the time, it didn't seem like much of an exaggeration.
And now, today, seven years after I quit, I find official acknowledgement of the Home Depot Experience, in nothing less than The New Yorker:
That summer, I had gotten a temporary job at Save On Foods, stocking shelves as part of an inventory reorganizing at two Save On Foods locations. It was the first "real" job I ever had (I had done some earlier part time work at an photo editing company run from the home of a family friend) and once I got over a few of the hiccups involved in working retail (like, um, people) I actually quite enjoyed it. So with school-- and tuition and textbook payments-- coming up, I was thrilled when I was hired to work as a salesman at the recently opened Home Depot.
Two weeks later, I quit. Officially, the reason I left Home Depot was because I was hired as a physics lab instructor at the university. But honestly, I probably could have stayed on at Home Depot while also studying and teaching lab. The real reason I left is because I hated the job.
The problem I always had with looking back at my time at Home Depot was that I could never decide whether it was that I sucked as Home Depot employee or that Home Depot sucked as a workplace. One the one hand, I've never been the most socially graceful, and lack of social grace can be a detriment when half of your job is basically "talk to people and convince them to buy things". Plus, I've never been particularly inclined toward home repair and maintenance, despite/because of my upbringing. So, given my proclivity toward second-guessing myself (see the Family Guy/Star Trek II debacle), and given the fact that I was never again able to get a "real" job (i.e. outside UNBC), a part of me believed that I was simply not cut out for "real" work.
On the other hand, though. . . Home Depot kinda sucked. When I was hired, I was assigned to kitchen and bathroom sales-- as many put it, "selling toilets." Fine, I thought as the interview ended. I mean, I know next to nothing about kitchen- and bathroom-ware, but come on, they must assume that, right? They saw my resume, they know what level of home repair background I'm coming from, right? I'll get all the training I need. No sweat.
It turns out that "training" amounted to watching a few hours or useless video-- one of which was all about avoiding back injury by, you know, being careful 'n stuff, another of which was all about Home Depot's program to provide support for employees competing in the Olympics because hey that so applies to us!-- followed by us new workers being thrown out on to the floor and told to help customers. I'm serious. Right after "training", the new employees kicked out of the employee lounge and literally told "you have ten minutes to go out and help these customers", otherwise known as the "learn to swim by drowning" approach.
For the next two weeks, I tried as well as I could to learn the ropes. My immediate supervisor, a former soldier, was a nice enough boss, and I managed to get some stocking work done from time to time, but it wasn't enough to compensate for the systematic problems of working at Home Depot. First, there was lack of training-- one thing that sticks out is one time when, despite having received no formal instruction in how to sell kitchen and bathroom-ware (even info that I could study on my own time), I was told during my third day at work to take off my "In Training" pin, which in addition to being the fracking truth was also my one safety net in dealing with often nerved out customers. Another was the unpredictable hours-- despite assurances that I could work around my class schedule, my work hours more than once overlapped with a class period. I was able to talk to someone to get the hours changed those first couple of times, but I wondered how long I could keep doing that. Yet another problem was the fact I would sometimes get temporarily "transferred" to another store department, like electrical or plumbing or lumber; it was hard enough learning to function in the department in which I was supposed to be working without being thrown into a completely different one. This last problem, undoubtedly, springs from what one good-natured customer described as the Home Depot Experience: "Sixteen hundred square feet, four employees." I knew he was exaggerating, but even at the time, it didn't seem like much of an exaggeration.
And now, today, seven years after I quit, I find official acknowledgement of the Home Depot Experience, in nothing less than The New Yorker:
When Bob Nardelli took over Home Depot, in 2000, he reduced the number of salespeople on the floor and turned many full-time jobs into part-time ones. In the process, he turned Home Depot stores into cavernous wastelands, with customers wandering around dejectedly trying to find an aproned employee, only to discover that he had no useful advice to offer. The company’s customer-service ratings plummeted, and its sales growth stalled.You can read the whole article, which discusses the business advantages retailers have found not cutting fucking corners in floor personnel, here.
As for me, I finally feel some relief about my Home Depot Experience. Or is that Schadenfreude?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Part the last?
Last time. . .
Yeah. . . this gotten a lot bigger than I hoped it would be, and it's honestly becoming more tedious than funny. This is the second part, and probably the last, of my Star Trek II/Family Guy mash up. . . Jesus, even writing that I feel the creativity draining from my body. I guess after being gone from writing for so long, I just wanted to write something, and I figured these jokes had been sort of bouncing in my head for a while, and April Fools was coming up, so. . . yeah. So here it is.
The following is a parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay, Main Area
TERRELL and CHEKOV are held by four strong men-- including a BEARDED, DISHEVELED JOAQUIN PHOENIX (JOAQUIN from now on)-- while KHAN stands before them. (Note: Khan is still masked, so our heroes don't recognize him yet). Khan then SLOWLY REMOVES his outer clothing. Very slowly. Layer after layer after layer for a good thirty seconds or so. Then, finally, the mask comes off, revealing the white haired, bare-pecked superman himself.
CHEKOV
(gasps)
Khan!
KHAN
(to Terrell)
I don't know you. . .
(to Chekov)
But you. . . I never forget a face. Mister. . .Oro, isn't it?
CHEKOV
(nervous, shifty-eyed)
. . . I don't know what you're talking about--
KHAN
(excited)
Yeah yeah yeah! You were totally Oro from The Starlost, man!
CHEKOV
(even more nervous, stuttering)
I-I've never even been to Canada!
TERRELL
Chekov, who is this man?!
CHEKOV
A criminal, captain. A product of late twentieth century genetic engineering.
TERRELL
What do you want with us? I demand --
KHAN
You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk.
TERRELL
(to others)
Listen to me, you men and women -- !
KHAN
Save your strength, Captain, these people, incuding my right hand man, Joaquin--
CUTAWAY to JOAQUIN.
JOAQUIN
(mumbling)
You're doing great. . .
KHAN
-- uh, yeah, thanks. They have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born.
(pause)
Do you mean. . . he (i.e. Chekov) never told you the tale? To amuse you, Captain? Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze?
TERRELL
You mean like in Demolition Man?
KHAN
(angry)
No, not like in--!
(calm)
Well, that was in 1996, too. I guess I can see the confusion--
TERRELL
Well, I've never even met Admiral Kirk.
KHAN
Admiral? He didn't tell you how Admiral Kirk sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us?
CHEKOV
You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life, a fair chance to--
KHAN
(loud, drawn out, lots of spittle, kinda like "This Is Sparta!")
THIS IS CE-TI AL-PHA FIIIIVVVVEEE!
KHAN clears his throat. One of Khan's soldiers hands him bottled water. Khan takes a sip.
Oh, that's better. Yeah, Ceti Alpha VI built a Hadron Collider, and of course it created a black hole, blah blah blah, and, y'know. . . it was a whole thing. Anyway, Admiral Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that enabled us to survive!
CHEKOV
Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him.
KHAN
You. . . didn't expect to find me. You thought. . . this was Ceti Alpha VI.
CHEKOV
Is that your superior intellect at work?
KHAN
Silence!
KHAN-- being the size of infant Stewie-- GRABS CHEKOV BY THE FOOT AND FLIPS HIM OVER.
CUT TO:
CU of CETI EEL TANK.
KHAN
Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.
KHAN uses TWEEZERS to PULL OUT A PAIR OF DISGUSTING CETI EELS. As he shows off the eels, we pan to a CU of KHAN.
KHAN
What do you think? They killed twenty of my people--
CUT AWAY to a photo of RUPERT.
KHAN
-- including my beloved wife. Oh, not all at once, and not instantly, to be sure.
(beat)
You ever have a really irritating by at the same time really catchy song that you just can't get out of your head? It just enters through your ears and wraps itself around your cerebral cortex? Then you become susceptible to suggestion, which is followed by madness and death? It's kinda like that.
The STRONG MEN hold TERRELL and CHEKOV in place as KHAN DROPS THE EELS into their helmets. The eels slowly CRAWL INTO THEIR EARS, and we begin to hear what TERRELL and CHEKOV are going through.
REBECCA BLACK(V.O.)
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! (etc. etc.)
TERRELL and CHEKOV scream in agony as we--
CUT TO
EXT, FS of ENTERPRISE in orbit at space dock. A SHUTTLECRAFT flies into frame, heading toward the ship.
CUT TO:
INT, ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEBAY. SPOCK, SAAVIK, and SCOTTY (JOE, who for now walks fully upright) along with dozens of CADETS, have gathered to welcome CAPTAIN KIRK, who steps off the shuttle, followed by BONES, UHURA, and SULU.
EVERYONE
(like in Cheers)
KIRK!
KIRK
(to SPOCK)
Permission to come aboard, Captain.
SPOCK
Permission granted. I think you know my training crew. Certainly they have come to know you.
KIRK
(to SAAVIK)
Yes, we've been through death. . . and life together.
SAAVIK glares a KIRK.
KIRK
(to Scotty)
Mister Scott, you old space dog!
SCOTTY
Sir, allow me to introduce Midshipman Peter Preston, engineers mate.
SCOTTY introduces PRESTON, young, stiff, in a white engineer's uniform. He gives a big salute.
PRESTON
Sir!
KIRK
Midshipman.
(beat)
That's a red shirt you got there, son. A damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh. . . my uniform's white, sir.
KIRK
Damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh, yes sir.
KIRK
(out of no-where)
God, I hate inspections. Mr. Scott, are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise?
SCOTTY
Just give the word, sir.
KIRK
Mr. Scott, the word is given.
CUT TO
EXT. FS of ENTERPRISE, clearing the moorings, bombastic music swelling.
CUT TO:
EXT, FS of REGULA STATION, in orbit of the barren planet REGULA I.
CHEKOV(V.O.)
... come in, please. This is the Reliant calling Regula One. Repeat. This is USS Reliant -
CUT TO:
INT, REGULA STATION. BS of CAROL MARCUS (LOIS) sitting at a comm station. We can see CHEKOV on a screen in front of Carol.
CAROL
Commander, we are receiving. This is Regula One. Go ahead.
CHEKOV
Ah, Doctor Marcus... good. We're en route to you and should be there in three days.
CAROL
En route? Why? We weren't expecting you for another three months. Has something happened?
CHEKOV
We have received new orders. Upon our arrival at Regula One, all materials of Project Genesis will be transferred to this ship for immediate testing on Ceti Alpha Six.
CAROL'S son, DAVID (CHRIS), stands over her shoulder.
DAVID
Who in the hell do they think they are?! Who gave the order?!
CHEKOV
(pause)
The orders came from Admiral James T. Kirk.
DAVID
I knew it! I knew it! All along the military's wanted to get their hands on this -
CAROL
This has to be some sort of mistake. Starfleet has kept the peace for a hundred years. I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event.
DAVID
(confused)
"Subscribe to my interpretation?" "Subscribe," what, like a magazine?
CAROL
No, what I mean is don't buy into it--
DAVID
Then why don't you just say that--?
CHEKOV
I'm sorry you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out.
CUT TO:
INT, Reliant bridge, BS of CHEKOV at comm. He cuts communications, and we pull back to reveal KHAN standing behind him.
KHAN
Well done, Commander.
CHEKOV
You realize, sir, that they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.
We then hear JOAQUIN, talking from his post.
JOAQUIN
You know. . . you're kinda freakin' me out here. You're all hung up on, y'know, Kirk, and. . . it's weirdin' me out. . .
KHAN
He tasks me! He tasks me! And I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares malestrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
To be. . . continued?
Yeah. . . this gotten a lot bigger than I hoped it would be, and it's honestly becoming more tedious than funny. This is the second part, and probably the last, of my Star Trek II/Family Guy mash up. . . Jesus, even writing that I feel the creativity draining from my body. I guess after being gone from writing for so long, I just wanted to write something, and I figured these jokes had been sort of bouncing in my head for a while, and April Fools was coming up, so. . . yeah. So here it is.
The following is a parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay, Main Area
TERRELL and CHEKOV are held by four strong men-- including a BEARDED, DISHEVELED JOAQUIN PHOENIX (JOAQUIN from now on)-- while KHAN stands before them. (Note: Khan is still masked, so our heroes don't recognize him yet). Khan then SLOWLY REMOVES his outer clothing. Very slowly. Layer after layer after layer for a good thirty seconds or so. Then, finally, the mask comes off, revealing the white haired, bare-pecked superman himself.
CHEKOV
(gasps)
Khan!
KHAN
(to Terrell)
I don't know you. . .
(to Chekov)
But you. . . I never forget a face. Mister. . .Oro, isn't it?
CHEKOV
(nervous, shifty-eyed)
. . . I don't know what you're talking about--
KHAN
(excited)
Yeah yeah yeah! You were totally Oro from The Starlost, man!
CHEKOV
(even more nervous, stuttering)
I-I've never even been to Canada!
TERRELL
Chekov, who is this man?!
CHEKOV
A criminal, captain. A product of late twentieth century genetic engineering.
TERRELL
What do you want with us? I demand --
KHAN
You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk.
TERRELL
(to others)
Listen to me, you men and women -- !
KHAN
Save your strength, Captain, these people, incuding my right hand man, Joaquin--
CUTAWAY to JOAQUIN.
JOAQUIN
(mumbling)
You're doing great. . .
KHAN
-- uh, yeah, thanks. They have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born.
(pause)
Do you mean. . . he (i.e. Chekov) never told you the tale? To amuse you, Captain? Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze?
TERRELL
You mean like in Demolition Man?
KHAN
(angry)
No, not like in--!
(calm)
Well, that was in 1996, too. I guess I can see the confusion--
TERRELL
Well, I've never even met Admiral Kirk.
KHAN
Admiral? He didn't tell you how Admiral Kirk sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us?
CHEKOV
You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life, a fair chance to--
KHAN
(loud, drawn out, lots of spittle, kinda like "This Is Sparta!")
THIS IS CE-TI AL-PHA FIIIIVVVVEEE!
KHAN clears his throat. One of Khan's soldiers hands him bottled water. Khan takes a sip.
Oh, that's better. Yeah, Ceti Alpha VI built a Hadron Collider, and of course it created a black hole, blah blah blah, and, y'know. . . it was a whole thing. Anyway, Admiral Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that enabled us to survive!
CHEKOV
Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him.
KHAN
You. . . didn't expect to find me. You thought. . . this was Ceti Alpha VI.
CHEKOV
Is that your superior intellect at work?
KHAN
Silence!
KHAN-- being the size of infant Stewie-- GRABS CHEKOV BY THE FOOT AND FLIPS HIM OVER.
CUT TO:
CU of CETI EEL TANK.
KHAN
Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.
KHAN uses TWEEZERS to PULL OUT A PAIR OF DISGUSTING CETI EELS. As he shows off the eels, we pan to a CU of KHAN.
KHAN
What do you think? They killed twenty of my people--
CUT AWAY to a photo of RUPERT.
KHAN
-- including my beloved wife. Oh, not all at once, and not instantly, to be sure.
(beat)
You ever have a really irritating by at the same time really catchy song that you just can't get out of your head? It just enters through your ears and wraps itself around your cerebral cortex? Then you become susceptible to suggestion, which is followed by madness and death? It's kinda like that.
The STRONG MEN hold TERRELL and CHEKOV in place as KHAN DROPS THE EELS into their helmets. The eels slowly CRAWL INTO THEIR EARS, and we begin to hear what TERRELL and CHEKOV are going through.
REBECCA BLACK(V.O.)
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! (etc. etc.)
TERRELL and CHEKOV scream in agony as we--
CUT TO
EXT, FS of ENTERPRISE in orbit at space dock. A SHUTTLECRAFT flies into frame, heading toward the ship.
CUT TO:
INT, ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEBAY. SPOCK, SAAVIK, and SCOTTY (JOE, who for now walks fully upright) along with dozens of CADETS, have gathered to welcome CAPTAIN KIRK, who steps off the shuttle, followed by BONES, UHURA, and SULU.
EVERYONE
(like in Cheers)
KIRK!
KIRK
(to SPOCK)
Permission to come aboard, Captain.
SPOCK
Permission granted. I think you know my training crew. Certainly they have come to know you.
KIRK
(to SAAVIK)
Yes, we've been through death. . . and life together.
SAAVIK glares a KIRK.
KIRK
(to Scotty)
Mister Scott, you old space dog!
SCOTTY
Sir, allow me to introduce Midshipman Peter Preston, engineers mate.
SCOTTY introduces PRESTON, young, stiff, in a white engineer's uniform. He gives a big salute.
PRESTON
Sir!
KIRK
Midshipman.
(beat)
That's a red shirt you got there, son. A damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh. . . my uniform's white, sir.
KIRK
Damn red shirt.
PRESTON
Uh, yes sir.
KIRK
(out of no-where)
God, I hate inspections. Mr. Scott, are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise?
SCOTTY
Just give the word, sir.
KIRK
Mr. Scott, the word is given.
CUT TO
EXT. FS of ENTERPRISE, clearing the moorings, bombastic music swelling.
CUT TO:
EXT, FS of REGULA STATION, in orbit of the barren planet REGULA I.
CHEKOV(V.O.)
... come in, please. This is the Reliant calling Regula One. Repeat. This is USS Reliant -
CUT TO:
INT, REGULA STATION. BS of CAROL MARCUS (LOIS) sitting at a comm station. We can see CHEKOV on a screen in front of Carol.
CAROL
Commander, we are receiving. This is Regula One. Go ahead.
CHEKOV
Ah, Doctor Marcus... good. We're en route to you and should be there in three days.
CAROL
En route? Why? We weren't expecting you for another three months. Has something happened?
CHEKOV
We have received new orders. Upon our arrival at Regula One, all materials of Project Genesis will be transferred to this ship for immediate testing on Ceti Alpha Six.
CAROL'S son, DAVID (CHRIS), stands over her shoulder.
DAVID
Who in the hell do they think they are?! Who gave the order?!
CHEKOV
(pause)
The orders came from Admiral James T. Kirk.
DAVID
I knew it! I knew it! All along the military's wanted to get their hands on this -
CAROL
This has to be some sort of mistake. Starfleet has kept the peace for a hundred years. I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event.
DAVID
(confused)
"Subscribe to my interpretation?" "Subscribe," what, like a magazine?
CAROL
No, what I mean is don't buy into it--
DAVID
Then why don't you just say that--?
CHEKOV
I'm sorry you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out.
CUT TO:
INT, Reliant bridge, BS of CHEKOV at comm. He cuts communications, and we pull back to reveal KHAN standing behind him.
KHAN
Well done, Commander.
CHEKOV
You realize, sir, that they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.
We then hear JOAQUIN, talking from his post.
JOAQUIN
You know. . . you're kinda freakin' me out here. You're all hung up on, y'know, Kirk, and. . . it's weirdin' me out. . .
KHAN
He tasks me! He tasks me! And I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares malestrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
To be. . . continued?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Actual Idea I Had for April Fools Day Post, Part I
I Can't Stress Enough How Actual This Actual Idea Was. . .
I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:
You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!
*********************************************************************************
Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
by Jeremy K.
A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.
CUT TO:
INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.
GRIFFIN FAMILY
(grumbling)
Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)
PETER
(abruptly)
Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.
LOIS
(surprised)
. . . what?
PETER
Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.
CHRIS
Uh, Dad--
PETER
-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?
BRIAN
Uh, Peter--
PETER
I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!
(beat)
Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?
MEG
Dad, they did--
LOIS
(interrupting)
It's nothing, Peter.
PETER
No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.
MEG
(catching on)
Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.
LOIS
Unimportant.
STEWIE
Totally only three Star Wars movies.
BRIAN
(fake anger)
Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.
CHRIS
Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)
PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.
PETER
Are you hiding something from me?
Everyone else is silent.
PETER
Lois!
LOIS
(reluctant)
Peter. . .
BRIAN
Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
PETER
(realizing what he's discovered)
Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!
STEWIE
It's not. It's really not.
PETER
(leaps off the couch)
I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!
(sing-yelling)
STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!
(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)
NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--
CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK
TITLE
One savaged and molested innocence later.
CUT TO:
INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--
LOIS
(gently)
. . . Peter--
PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.
PETER
(screaming)
WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!
PETER breaks down and sobs.
*********************************************************************************
We open on pure black. Then--
TITLE
The 23rd Century. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--
TITLE
Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.
TITLE
I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .
CUT TO:
INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.
CUT TO:
WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.
SAAVIK
Any suggestions, Admiral?
KIRK
Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.
(to Spock)
Captain?
SPOCK
(opens eyes)
Trainees to the briefing room.
The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.
KIRK
Physician--
(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)
Heal Thyself.
Cut to CU of McCoy.
MCCOY
Fuck you.
Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.
SAAVIK
Permission to speak candidly, sir?
KIRK
(contemptuously)
Very well.
SAAVIK
(fighting emotion)
I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--
KIRK
(mocking, whiny)
Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?
SAAVIK
(loses it)
Because you cheated, you ass!
KIRK
(cocky, self-inflated)
Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!
SAAVIK
No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!
KIRK
(as Saavik goes on)
But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!
Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps into frame.
WILL SMITH
If you know what I'm sayin'!
Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.
KIRK
We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.
SAAVIK
-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!
KIRK
(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)
You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.
SAAVIK
That's QED, moron!
KIRK
Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.
CUT TO:
INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.
SPOCK
(into communicator)
Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?
CUT TO:
INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.
KIRK
(beat, then into hand communicator)
Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.
SPOCK
(through communicator)
Aye aye, sir.
KIRK closes communicator.
KIRK
(to ORION WOMAN)
Say it again.
ORION WOMAN
(sexy)
May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?
KIRK
(aroused)
Ohhh yeah.
ORION WOMAN
I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.
We CUT TO:
EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).
CHEKOV(V.O.)
Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.
CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).
CHEKOV
Does it have to be completely lifeless?
TERRELL
Don't tell me you got something?
CHEKOV
I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.
TERRELL
You mean like Tyler Lautner?
CHEKOV
. . . what?
(beat)
Why on Earth did you say that?
TERRELL
. . . I have no idea.
CHEKOV
What a weird, random thing to say!
TERRELL
And hurtful, too!
CHEKKOV
Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!
TERRELL
Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.
CUT TO:
EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.
CUT TO:
INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.
CHEKOV
Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary, Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--
ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.
CHEKOV
Oh no!
CUT TO:
INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.
CHEKOV
We have to go!
TERRELL
What's the matter-- ?
CHEKOV
Now! Damn! Hurry!
CUT TO:
EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--
CUT TO:
FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.
CUT TO:
CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.
To be continued. . .
I Should Write the Shitty Family Guy Parody of Star Trek II:
You know I'm really trying because I'm not at all trying!
*********************************************************************************
Family Guy Presents: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
by Jeremy K.
A Parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and
Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.
EXT. NIGHT, Griffin House, Establishing Shot.
CUT TO:
INT, Living Room. WS on GRIFFIN FAMILY-- PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, and BRIAN-- sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, POWER GOES OUT.
GRIFFIN FAMILY
(grumbling)
Aw man! What the hell! This sucks! (etc., etc.)
PETER
(abruptly)
Too bad there aren't any more Star Wars movies.
LOIS
(surprised)
. . . what?
PETER
Nah, I'm just saying, it sucks that there are no more Star Wars movies. You know, after the first three films, it's like George Lucas just sorta gave up and, y'know, rested on his laurels.
CHRIS
Uh, Dad--
PETER
-- and it wouldn't even bother me as much if it weren't-- I mean, there's just so much back story, so much mythology that we were only given the faintest glimpse of. Like-- like how did Darth Vader become Darth Vader, you know?
BRIAN
Uh, Peter--
PETER
I mean, that alone could have probably sustained a whole new trilogy in and of itself!
(beat)
Anyway, this random-and-yet-strangely-familiar blackout brought that to mind for some reason.
You were saying?
MEG
Dad, they did--
LOIS
(interrupting)
It's nothing, Peter.
PETER
No no no no, no, it's okay, go ahead.
MEG
(catching on)
Oh, uh, Mom's right, it's nothing.
LOIS
Unimportant.
STEWIE
Totally only three Star Wars movies.
BRIAN
(fake anger)
Yeah, only three DAMN IT but on the other hand unspoiled memories childhood dreams all that jazz.
CHRIS
Yes sir-rie. Never know. . . what could have. . . (trails off)
PETER eyes everyone suspiciously.
PETER
Are you hiding something from me?
Everyone else is silent.
PETER
Lois!
LOIS
(reluctant)
Peter. . .
BRIAN
Look, Peter, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
PETER
(realizing what he's discovered)
Oh my God! There's new Star Wars! That. . . that's amazing!
STEWIE
It's not. It's really not.
PETER
(leaps off the couch)
I-I gotta find this! New Star Wars!
(sing-yelling)
STAR WARS! GIVE ME THEM STAR WARS!
(runs off screen-- we continue to hear him after he's gone)
NOTHING BUT STAR WARS! DON'T LET THEM--
CUT TO TITLE ON BLACK
TITLE
One savaged and molested innocence later.
CUT TO:
INT, WS of FAMILY on couch. PETER has returned. He is frozen with rage. After a tense couple of seconds--
LOIS
(gently)
. . . Peter--
PETER SCREAMS and PUNCHES MEG OFF THE COUCH.
PETER
(screaming)
WE'RE DOING STAR TREK II!
PETER breaks down and sobs.
*********************************************************************************
We open on pure black. Then--
TITLE
The 23rd Century. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE--
TITLE
Which is to say, the twenty-two hundreds. . .
TITLE flies off screen. Then, another TITLE. The scene continues on like this.
TITLE
I mean seriously, what's up with that? . . . Like, how did twenty THIRD century suddenly mean the twenty TWO hundreds, you know? It's crazy! . . . Probably the same morons who said the new millennium begins in 2001, and not 2000. . . Assholes. . .
CUT TO:
INT. Enterprise Bridge, VWS-- The bridge is a mess. Alarms blare, consoles are blown out, support beams have collapsed, fires rage, and crew-members' bodies-- including those of SPOCK(BRIAN), McCOY(DR. HARTMAN), SULU(QUAGMIRE), and UHURA(LORETTA)-- are sprawled about. Only SAAVIK (MEG) remains in her post at the captain's chair. Then, a BRIGHT LIGHT fills the room. SAAVIK, despondent, stands at attention.
CUT TO:
WS, VIEW SCREEN, parting open. We now realize that the "bridge" is just a mock up. In silhouette, bathed in light from the outside, we see CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (PETER) walk on to the bridge.
SAAVIK
Any suggestions, Admiral?
KIRK
Prayer, Mr. Saavik. That, and not sucking.
(to Spock)
Captain?
SPOCK
(opens eyes)
Trainees to the briefing room.
The rest of the "dead" crew stand up and brush themselves off and leave. McCOY is about to leave, but is stopped by Kirk.
KIRK
Physician--
(comedy beat, ZOOM IN to ECU of KIRK, smirking)
Heal Thyself.
Cut to CU of McCoy.
MCCOY
Fuck you.
Cut to TWO SHOT of KIRK and SAAVIK, with MCCOY walking out of frame.
SAAVIK
Permission to speak candidly, sir?
KIRK
(contemptuously)
Very well.
SAAVIK
(fighting emotion)
I don't believe this was a fair test of my abili--
KIRK
(mocking, whiny)
Wah, wah, wai don't fink dis waws fair test of my-- Suck it up, Saavik! If it's so unfair, how come I managed to beat it?
SAAVIK
(loses it)
Because you cheated, you ass!
KIRK
(cocky, self-inflated)
Yeah, I guess it is kinda cheating to be so awesome!
SAAVIK
No, you idiot! You hacked into the simulation and re-programmed it to--!
KIRK
(as Saavik goes on)
But I guess that's just how I roll: saving the galaxy by the seat of my pants, always coming out on top-- in more ways than one!
Suddenly, the FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps into frame.
WILL SMITH
If you know what I'm sayin'!
Just as suddenly, FRESH PRINCE WILL SMITH jumps out of frame.
KIRK
We do, Ensign Fresh Prince. We do.
SAAVIK
-- the only reason you weren't kicked out of the acad--!
KIRK
(talking just to hear his own voice at this point)
You see, unlike some people, James Kirk doesn't lose, and James Kirk doesn't make mistakes! 'Cause if he did, at least one of those mistakes would almost certainly have come back to bite him in the ass by now, and they haven't. Quid pro quo.
SAAVIK
That's QED, moron!
KIRK
Yup, never makes mistakes! None whatsoever.
CUT TO:
INT, WS Enterprise bridge. A FLASHBACK-- Spock, in a blue old-style uniform, sits in the captain's chair. Spock checks his watch, and then presses a button on the captain's chair, activating a communicator.
SPOCK
(into communicator)
Bridge to Captain. Spock here. Uh, it's been six months. Should we set course to Ceti Alpha V and check up on Khan, sir?
CUT TO:
INT, WS of KIRK'S BEDROOM. KIRK, in his familiar TORN UNIFORM, stands at the head of the bed, while a GREEN SKINNED ORION WOMAN lies in the bed, holding a DAGGER. The AMOK TIME FIGHT MUSIC plays in the background.
KIRK
(beat, then into hand communicator)
Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . let's do that tomorrow.
SPOCK
(through communicator)
Aye aye, sir.
KIRK closes communicator.
KIRK
(to ORION WOMAN)
Say it again.
ORION WOMAN
(sexy)
May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans?
KIRK
(aroused)
Ohhh yeah.
ORION WOMAN
I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant-- wait, who am I supposed to be again? 'Cause this feels weird.
We CUT TO:
EXT, Outer space, an exterior shot of a barren, desert planet. We hold as the STARSHIP RELIANT flies into frame from behind, heading toward the planet. We then hear a LOG from CHEKOV (TIM THE BEAR from The Cleveland Show).
CHEKOV(V.O.)
Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4. This report classified MOST SECRET. Log Entry by Commander Pavel Chekov, Duty Officer. We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet which will serve as a suitable test site for the Genesis experiment.
CUT TO: Two shot of CHEKOV, at the science station, and CAPTAIN TERRELL (CLEVELAND).
CHEKOV
Does it have to be completely lifeless?
TERRELL
Don't tell me you got something?
CHEKOV
I suppose it could be a piece of preanimate matter caught in the matrix.
TERRELL
You mean like Tyler Lautner?
CHEKOV
. . . what?
(beat)
Why on Earth did you say that?
TERRELL
. . . I have no idea.
CHEKOV
What a weird, random thing to say!
TERRELL
And hurtful, too!
CHEKKOV
Yes, very hurtful! Tyler Lautner has worked hard for his success!
TERRELL
Yes, yes, of course! Oh wow. . . yeah, just forget I said that and we'll beam down to the surface.
CUT TO:
EXT, Planet Surface. WS of a barren desert. Sandstorms so strong they block out everything more than a few metres away. TERRELL and CHEKOV BEAM DOWN, wearing environment suits. They spot something, and we PAN LEFT to reveal a CRASHED SHIP-- the BOTANY BAY.
CUT TO:
INT, Botany Bay Main Room, WS. A hatch opens, and TERRELL AND CHEKOV ENTER.
CUT TO:
INT, Khan's Room, CU on a BOOKSHELF. CHEKOV enters the room and approaches the bookshelf. We PAN to look at the books as CHEKOV does, with CHEKOV still remaining in shot.
CHEKOV
Infinite Jest, Bridget Jones' Diary, Primary Colors. . . The Vagina Monologues?! Why, these were all published in nineteen ninety--
ECU on CHEKOV as he makes a horrifying realization.
CHEKOV
Oh no!
CUT TO:
INT, Main Room. CHEKOV runs up to TERRELL and GRABS him by the arm.
CHEKOV
We have to go!
TERRELL
What's the matter-- ?
CHEKOV
Now! Damn! Hurry!
CUT TO:
EXT. Botany Bay Hatch, Two Shot of CHEKOV and TERRELL as they come out the hatch. They're about to flee, but they see something that stops them in their tracks. We PAN 180 degrees to reveal. . . A FUCKING SANDWORM, complete with the ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC FROM DUNE! A couple dozen men and women in black clothing, KHAN'S SOLDIERS, run alongside the beast. We then--
CUT TO:
FS shot of KHAN-- played, of course, by STEWIE-- riding the sandworm.
CUT TO:
CHEKOV and TERRELL, who know they are fucked.
To be continued. . .
Friday, March 2, 2012
Would "Hot to Trotsky" be a good slogan for faceless Marxist-Leninism? How 'bout "Quit Stalin' and Get with the Five Year Program"?
One of the first things I ever remember actually having to learn was tying my shoelaces. Maybe it was because this was one of the very first complex motor skills I ever had learn, and so required more deliberate, active cognitive internalization than anything I had ever learned before up to that point. Or maybe it's because I learned it from my Dad, who subscribes to the philosophy that if someone doesn't understand what he's trying to teach them, it's because he's not yelling loudly enough*. In any event, the memory of learning how to tie my shoes (as opposed to the knowledge in and of itself) still resonates with me a good twenty-four years after the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I'm getting old!
. . . anyway. Understandably, shoelace tying remains a bit of a touchy subject for me. Which is why this really grabbed my attention:
Thoughts that ran through my head as I read this:
1) Nerds make everything awesome. I am of course referring to real Nerds and not whatever those things on The Big Bang Theory are. Because fuck The Big Bang Theory.
2) Where the hell was this when I was learning how to tie my shoes? Seriously!
3) Wait, am I-- yup! I'm doing it right! Thanks Dad! No Granny shoes for me!
Next time, I'll find some random post about clocks or something and it'll remind me about learning how to tell time, or I'll play some Flash remake of "Number Crunchers" and remember torturous math drills in my kitchen. My childhood: It's Fannnntastic™.
* Slavs: Brought to you by Soviet Repression™, and by Old World Social Values™, makers of "Women and Children are Property".
. . . anyway. Understandably, shoelace tying remains a bit of a touchy subject for me. Which is why this really grabbed my attention:
Thoughts that ran through my head as I read this:
1) Nerds make everything awesome. I am of course referring to real Nerds and not whatever those things on The Big Bang Theory are. Because fuck The Big Bang Theory.
2) Where the hell was this when I was learning how to tie my shoes? Seriously!
3) Wait, am I-- yup! I'm doing it right! Thanks Dad! No Granny shoes for me!
Next time, I'll find some random post about clocks or something and it'll remind me about learning how to tell time, or I'll play some Flash remake of "Number Crunchers" and remember torturous math drills in my kitchen. My childhood: It's Fannnntastic™.
* Slavs: Brought to you by Soviet Repression™, and by Old World Social Values™, makers of "Women and Children are Property".
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Disco! Disco Horse! (Neigh!)
Man, disco versions of movie soundtracks are BACK baby!
I just hope it loads. . .
UPDATE: It looks like this'll only work in the states, so if you're American, enjoy.
I just hope it loads. . .
UPDATE: It looks like this'll only work in the states, so if you're American, enjoy.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I Should Never, Ever, Write the Christopher Hitchens Movie. . .
That said, after reading Hitchens obits in greater number than can justly be linked to, I'm now wholly convinced that his life story must and will be made movie.
Wednesday Homicide
Before The Wire, there was Homicide: Life on the Street. Based on a book by Wire creator David Simon, Homicide was in many ways a spiritual ancestor to Simon's later series. At least. . . that's what I've heard. I'm kind of a Luddite when it comes to downloading TV shows over the internet, so if I can't find DVD's of a given TV show available for rent, I'll end up not watching it. Homicide, unfortunately, is one of those shows.
What I do know is that at least one joke from Homicide eventually made its way onto The Wire. First, the Homicide version:
For the Wire version, click here.
What I do know is that at least one joke from Homicide eventually made its way onto The Wire. First, the Homicide version:
For the Wire version, click here.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Japanese Journal #7
十一月七日（月曜日）天気：雨
前々回のにっきに、僕は、『セーラームーン』のとくさつが好きだと書きました。きょ年、日本にいた時、沢井美優さんに会いました。沢井さんは、『セーラームーン』になりました。
二千十年に、沢井さんは『白雪姫』のミュージカルを演じました（沢井さんは白雪姫になりました）。僕は、日本橋の『ＭＩＴＳＵＫＯＳＨＩ』のデパートでミュージカルを見ました。楽しかったですが、たくさんの子どもがいましたので、ちょっとはずかしかったです。
ミュージカルが終わった時に、かんきゃくはげきじょうの出口から出る時に、げきじょうのあんないがかりは私達に「ちょっとまって下さい」と言いました。そうして、沢井さんとミュージカルのはいゆうが来ました。子ども達ははいゆうと写真ととりました。とてもはずかしかったですが、そのうちに、はいゆうとあくしゅしてはいゆうにかんしゃしました。僕は、沢井さんともあくしゅしました。沢井さんと話すつもりでしたが、「ありがとうございます」と言って出てしまいました。
でも、カメラをもって来ませんでしたので、写真がありません。かなしいです。でも、『セーラームーン』と会った事あります。
English Translation:
Two journals ago, I wrote about how much I liked the live action "Sailor Moon" tokusatsu. Well, last year, while I was in Japan, I met Miyuu Sawai, the actress who played Sailor Moon.
In 2010, Sawai performed in a "Snow White" stage musical (playing Snow White). So, I went to the Nihonbashi* "Mitsukoshi" department store where the the musical was playing and attended a performance. It was fun, though a little embarrassing, what with most of the audience being children. (ed: Yeah, this ain't exactly literal translation anymore. Fuck it.)
After the musical ended, and we, the audience, we heading out the door, we were instructed by the theatre's manager to "please wait a moment." At that moment, Sawai, along with other actors from the musical, came out into the hall. The kids then took pictures with all the actors. I was really embarrassed now, but eventually, I approached the actors, shook their hands, and thanked them. Then I came up to Sawai. I shook her hand, and intended to talk with her a little bit, but instead I just said "thank you" and walked away.
Unfortunately, I didn't bring a camera with me, so I don't have any pictures, which is sad. Nevertheless, I can now say that I've met "Sailor Moon".
*A part of downtown Tokyo.
Click here for a more detailed version of this story.
前々回のにっきに、僕は、『セーラームーン』のとくさつが好きだと書きました。きょ年、日本にいた時、沢井美優さんに会いました。沢井さんは、『セーラームーン』になりました。
二千十年に、沢井さんは『白雪姫』のミュージカルを演じました（沢井さんは白雪姫になりました）。僕は、日本橋の『ＭＩＴＳＵＫＯＳＨＩ』のデパートでミュージカルを見ました。楽しかったですが、たくさんの子どもがいましたので、ちょっとはずかしかったです。
ミュージカルが終わった時に、かんきゃくはげきじょうの出口から出る時に、げきじょうのあんないがかりは私達に「ちょっとまって下さい」と言いました。そうして、沢井さんとミュージカルのはいゆうが来ました。子ども達ははいゆうと写真ととりました。とてもはずかしかったですが、そのうちに、はいゆうとあくしゅしてはいゆうにかんしゃしました。僕は、沢井さんともあくしゅしました。沢井さんと話すつもりでしたが、「ありがとうございます」と言って出てしまいました。
でも、カメラをもって来ませんでしたので、写真がありません。かなしいです。でも、『セーラームーン』と会った事あります。
English Translation:
Two journals ago, I wrote about how much I liked the live action "Sailor Moon" tokusatsu. Well, last year, while I was in Japan, I met Miyuu Sawai, the actress who played Sailor Moon.
In 2010, Sawai performed in a "Snow White" stage musical (playing Snow White). So, I went to the Nihonbashi* "Mitsukoshi" department store where the the musical was playing and attended a performance. It was fun, though a little embarrassing, what with most of the audience being children. (ed: Yeah, this ain't exactly literal translation anymore. Fuck it.)
After the musical ended, and we, the audience, we heading out the door, we were instructed by the theatre's manager to "please wait a moment." At that moment, Sawai, along with other actors from the musical, came out into the hall. The kids then took pictures with all the actors. I was really embarrassed now, but eventually, I approached the actors, shook their hands, and thanked them. Then I came up to Sawai. I shook her hand, and intended to talk with her a little bit, but instead I just said "thank you" and walked away.
Unfortunately, I didn't bring a camera with me, so I don't have any pictures, which is sad. Nevertheless, I can now say that I've met "Sailor Moon".
*A part of downtown Tokyo.
Click here for a more detailed version of this story.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Japanese Journal #6
十月二十四日（月曜日）天気くもり
前回にっきはちょっと長すぎたので今回のにっきに俳句が書きたいです。
『秋の俳句』
西の風
鹿振り返る
落ちた葉や*
*『や』は切れ字です。
（にしのかぜ
しかふりかえる
おちたはや）
ちょっとみじかすぎるがむずかし書いた。
English Translation:
October 24th (Monday) Weather: Cloudy
My last journal entry was a little too long, so this time, I decided to write a haiku.
"Fall Haiku"
Wind blows from the west
A deer snaps its head backwards
A leaf has fallen
(More literal: )
West wind
A deer turns it's head
A fallen leaf
(Romaaji version: )
nishi no kaze
shika furikaeru
ochita ha ya*
*"ya" is a cutting word.
It's a little too short, but it was hard to write.
前回にっきはちょっと長すぎたので今回のにっきに俳句が書きたいです。
『秋の俳句』
西の風
鹿振り返る
落ちた葉や*
*『や』は切れ字です。
（にしのかぜ
しかふりかえる
おちたはや）
ちょっとみじかすぎるがむずかし書いた。
English Translation:
October 24th (Monday) Weather: Cloudy
My last journal entry was a little too long, so this time, I decided to write a haiku.
"Fall Haiku"
Wind blows from the west
A deer snaps its head backwards
A leaf has fallen
(More literal: )
West wind
A deer turns it's head
A fallen leaf
(Romaaji version: )
nishi no kaze
shika furikaeru
ochita ha ya*
*"ya" is a cutting word.
It's a little too short, but it was hard to write.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Japanese Journal #5, wherein I reveal things you've known for years
『えいがかんに日本語がある』 十月十五日（土曜日）
時々、友達は「ジェルミーさん、どうして日本語を勉強しているか」と言う。僕のほんとうのりゆうはばかです。だから、はずかしいので、僕は「日本語のぶんかはおもしろいです」や「日本はきれいな国家です」やよく言う。
でも、ほんとうは、書きたいです。たんべんしょうせつと本とえいがのシナリオが書きたいです。とくに。。。『セーラームーン』のえいがのシナリが書きたいです。ばかですね。僕は二十八さいでカナダの男の人です。でも、『セーラームーン』のえいがが書きたいです。
へんな物語です。十五年前くらい、『セーラームーン』のアニメはカナダに来た。僕とたくさんのカナダの子は『セーラームーン』を見てわすねた。そうして、僕は二千六年に、インターネットで『セーラームーン』のとくさつをはっけんした。そのテレビばんぐみで、女子学生は、せい服と色きさいにとんだかつらをきてたたかう事のふりを悪くした。すばらしくて楽しかったです。
その年、僕はぶん学のクラスもとうろくした。そのクラスで、『ゆうこく』と言うほんやくしたたんぶんしょうせつを読んだ。日本のさくしゃでうよくの三島由紀夫は『ゆうこく』を書いた。だから、日本のきょく右はみりょうくてきになった。きょく右は好きじゃないですが、みりょうくてきです。
『セーラームーン』ときょく右はへんなくみあわせですね。それにもかかわらず、二千十年にえいがのシナリオを書き事を始めた。シナリオの「しょう」は『kyletookabulletforme.blogspot.com』と言うブログにある。今までに、日本人がシナリオを読んだ事がない。日本人のいけんしりたいです。でも、したがきですので、シナリオはまだちょっと悪いです。
僕は、日本語をシナリオに使うので、日本語を勉強している。でも、日本はおもしろい国家です。そうして、三島もおもしろいですので、日本語を勉強します。（ちょっと長すぎるね。）
Translation:
"Japanese at the movies" October 15th (Saturday)
From time to time, my friends ask, "Jeremy, why are you studying Japanese?". My real reason is actually pretty dumb, so I usually say things like "Japanese culture is interesting" or "Japan is a beautiful country."
However, the truth is I want to write. I'd like to write short stories and books and movie screenplays. More to the point. . . I want to write the "Sailor Moon" movie screenplay. Yeah, it's stupid-- I'm a 28 year old Canadian man. Nevertheless, I want to write the "Sailor Moon" movie.
There's a weird story behind all of this. About 15 years ago, the "Sailor Moon" anime came to Canada. I-- along with a lot of other Canadian kids-- watched "Sailor Moon" and then pretty much forgot about it. But then, in 2006, thanks to The Internet I discovered the "Sailor Moon" tokusatsu (ed: tokusatsu is the name given to "Powers Rangers" style shows in Japan). In that TV show, schoolgirls dressed in sailor suits and donning colourful wigs (poorly) pretended that they were really fighting. It was amazing, and I enjoyed it.
That same year, I enrolled in a literature class. There, I read a short story called "Yuukoku" (Patriotism). "Yuukoku" was written by right-wing Japanese author Yukio Mishima. Because of "Yuukoku", I became interested in the Japanese far-right. That's not to say that I like them, but I do find them fascinating.
"Sailor Moon" and the Japanese right are a pretty strange combintion, no? In spite of this, in 2010 I began writing my screenplay. "Chpaters" from my screenplay can be found my blog, "kyletookabulletforme.blogspot.com." Nobody from Japan has read my screenplay yet. I'd like to know the opinion of a Japanese person. (Ed: Yes, I know exactly what this looks like. Shut up.) However, because it's a rough draft, the screenplay is still kind of bad. (Ed: See? See? It's not all shameless plug!).
I hope to use Japanese in my screenplay; that's why I'm studying Japanese. However, Japan really is an interesting country, and I also do like Yukio Mishima. For those reasons (Ed: and more) I want to learn Japanese. (This was a bit too long, wasn't it?) (Ed: This was, in fact, my longest journal entry. . . and the one with the lowest mark).
時々、友達は「ジェルミーさん、どうして日本語を勉強しているか」と言う。僕のほんとうのりゆうはばかです。だから、はずかしいので、僕は「日本語のぶんかはおもしろいです」や「日本はきれいな国家です」やよく言う。
でも、ほんとうは、書きたいです。たんべんしょうせつと本とえいがのシナリオが書きたいです。とくに。。。『セーラームーン』のえいがのシナリが書きたいです。ばかですね。僕は二十八さいでカナダの男の人です。でも、『セーラームーン』のえいがが書きたいです。
へんな物語です。十五年前くらい、『セーラームーン』のアニメはカナダに来た。僕とたくさんのカナダの子は『セーラームーン』を見てわすねた。そうして、僕は二千六年に、インターネットで『セーラームーン』のとくさつをはっけんした。そのテレビばんぐみで、女子学生は、せい服と色きさいにとんだかつらをきてたたかう事のふりを悪くした。すばらしくて楽しかったです。
その年、僕はぶん学のクラスもとうろくした。そのクラスで、『ゆうこく』と言うほんやくしたたんぶんしょうせつを読んだ。日本のさくしゃでうよくの三島由紀夫は『ゆうこく』を書いた。だから、日本のきょく右はみりょうくてきになった。きょく右は好きじゃないですが、みりょうくてきです。
『セーラームーン』ときょく右はへんなくみあわせですね。それにもかかわらず、二千十年にえいがのシナリオを書き事を始めた。シナリオの「しょう」は『kyletookabulletforme.blogspot.com』と言うブログにある。今までに、日本人がシナリオを読んだ事がない。日本人のいけんしりたいです。でも、したがきですので、シナリオはまだちょっと悪いです。
僕は、日本語をシナリオに使うので、日本語を勉強している。でも、日本はおもしろい国家です。そうして、三島もおもしろいですので、日本語を勉強します。（ちょっと長すぎるね。）
Translation:
"Japanese at the movies" October 15th (Saturday)
From time to time, my friends ask, "Jeremy, why are you studying Japanese?". My real reason is actually pretty dumb, so I usually say things like "Japanese culture is interesting" or "Japan is a beautiful country."
However, the truth is I want to write. I'd like to write short stories and books and movie screenplays. More to the point. . . I want to write the "Sailor Moon" movie screenplay. Yeah, it's stupid-- I'm a 28 year old Canadian man. Nevertheless, I want to write the "Sailor Moon" movie.
There's a weird story behind all of this. About 15 years ago, the "Sailor Moon" anime came to Canada. I-- along with a lot of other Canadian kids-- watched "Sailor Moon" and then pretty much forgot about it. But then, in 2006, thanks to The Internet I discovered the "Sailor Moon" tokusatsu (ed: tokusatsu is the name given to "Powers Rangers" style shows in Japan). In that TV show, schoolgirls dressed in sailor suits and donning colourful wigs (poorly) pretended that they were really fighting. It was amazing, and I enjoyed it.
That same year, I enrolled in a literature class. There, I read a short story called "Yuukoku" (Patriotism). "Yuukoku" was written by right-wing Japanese author Yukio Mishima. Because of "Yuukoku", I became interested in the Japanese far-right. That's not to say that I like them, but I do find them fascinating.
"Sailor Moon" and the Japanese right are a pretty strange combintion, no? In spite of this, in 2010 I began writing my screenplay. "Chpaters" from my screenplay can be found my blog, "kyletookabulletforme.blogspot.com." Nobody from Japan has read my screenplay yet. I'd like to know the opinion of a Japanese person. (Ed: Yes, I know exactly what this looks like. Shut up.) However, because it's a rough draft, the screenplay is still kind of bad. (Ed: See? See? It's not all shameless plug!).
I hope to use Japanese in my screenplay; that's why I'm studying Japanese. However, Japan really is an interesting country, and I also do like Yukio Mishima. For those reasons (Ed: and more) I want to learn Japanese. (This was a bit too long, wasn't it?) (Ed: This was, in fact, my longest journal entry. . . and the one with the lowest mark).
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Japanese Journal #4
二十二日（日曜日）
天気：はれ
プリンスジョージにおもしろくてしゃれた料理は少ないですがバンクーバーにその料理はどこにでもあります。
先週、バンクーバーへ行きました。僕は、一度でもアフリカ料理を食べた事ありませんので、母とおばといとことエチオピアのレストランで夕食に行きました。
レストランに切れ物がありませんでしたがさらの上に大きくてたいらではっこうしたサーラードーパンがありました。そのパンで食べ物をつかみました。私達はからいぶた肉と鳥肉とこひつじの肉野さいを食べました。私達はマンゴジュースも飲みました。おいしかったです。
今、アフリカ料理を食べた事があります。バンクーバーのレストランは楽しいです。
Translation:
In Prince George, there's little in the way of tasty, fasionable cuisine; in Vancouver, though, you can find it anywhere you look.
Last week, I went to Vancouver. Since I had never before eaten African cuisine, I decided to have dinner with my mom, aunt, and cousins at an Ethiopian restaurant.
At this restaurant, dinner was served without cutlery (ed: I originally wrote だいどころようひん, "kitchenware", instead of cutlery); instead, on top of our plate, there was a large, flat piece of fermented sourdough bread. We used this bread to pick up our food. We ate spicy [chunks of] beef, chicken, lamb, pork, and vegetables. We also drank mango juice. It was delicious.
Now, I can say that I've eaten African food. Vancouver restaurants are quite nice.
天気：はれ
プリンスジョージにおもしろくてしゃれた料理は少ないですがバンクーバーにその料理はどこにでもあります。
先週、バンクーバーへ行きました。僕は、一度でもアフリカ料理を食べた事ありませんので、母とおばといとことエチオピアのレストランで夕食に行きました。
レストランに切れ物がありませんでしたがさらの上に大きくてたいらではっこうしたサーラードーパンがありました。そのパンで食べ物をつかみました。私達はからいぶた肉と鳥肉とこひつじの肉野さいを食べました。私達はマンゴジュースも飲みました。おいしかったです。
今、アフリカ料理を食べた事があります。バンクーバーのレストランは楽しいです。
Translation:
In Prince George, there's little in the way of tasty, fasionable cuisine; in Vancouver, though, you can find it anywhere you look.
Last week, I went to Vancouver. Since I had never before eaten African cuisine, I decided to have dinner with my mom, aunt, and cousins at an Ethiopian restaurant.
At this restaurant, dinner was served without cutlery (ed: I originally wrote だいどころようひん, "kitchenware", instead of cutlery); instead, on top of our plate, there was a large, flat piece of fermented sourdough bread. We used this bread to pick up our food. We ate spicy [chunks of] beef, chicken, lamb, pork, and vegetables. We also drank mango juice. It was delicious.
Now, I can say that I've eaten African food. Vancouver restaurants are quite nice.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday Wire, Back by Popular Demand!
. . .yeah, I'm know. I'm sorry.
Here's the real one. Be warned, though: it's even more NSFW than usual.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Japanese Journal #3
九月二十五日（日曜日）
天気：雨
僕は食べ物と食べる事が好きです。和食も洋食も楽しいです。
金曜日、夕ごはんは母がいためたぶた肉とにたごはんでした。土曜日、昼ごはんは寿司とラーメンでした。そうして、夜、りょうしんは中か料理が好きなので、チャイナセールレストラーンでワンタンスープを食べました（僕も中か料理が好きですよ。）でも、一日の食事の中で朝食が一番じゅうようです。土曜日の朝、いためた卵とたまねぎを食べました。それはいい朝ごあんだったが、今日の朝、ホットケーキといちごとさとうを食べました。これはあまりよくないメニューです。
でも、食べ物はおいしくて色々ですので、楽しんですね。
Translation:
September 25th (Sunday)
Weather: Rainy
I like food, and I like to eat. I enjoy both Japanese and Western cuisine.
On Friday, I ate some of my mom's homemade pork fried rice. On Saturady, I had sushi and ramen noodles for lunch. Then, that night, because my parents like Chinese cuisine, we went to China Sail Restaurant and ate wonton soup. (I also like Chinese cuisine.) However, the most important meal of the day is breakfast. Saturday morning, I ate fried eggs and onions. That was a pretty good breakfast, but this morning (ed: Sunday, Sept. 25th) I ate pancakes with strawberries and sugar. All in all, this menu wans't all that great. (ed: That last sentence was suggested by my Japanese teacher, possibly as a polite expression of humility. Or maybe she just wasn't all that impressed.)
Nevertheless, I quite enjoy the diversity and deliciousness of food. Don't you?
I'm trying make my translations a bit less literal -- my first two posts have shown me just how poorly the flow and structure of Japanese translates into English. Hopefully, my translations will sound less awkward as I go on.
Also, these journals do get more interesting. I promise.
天気：雨
僕は食べ物と食べる事が好きです。和食も洋食も楽しいです。
金曜日、夕ごはんは母がいためたぶた肉とにたごはんでした。土曜日、昼ごはんは寿司とラーメンでした。そうして、夜、りょうしんは中か料理が好きなので、チャイナセールレストラーンでワンタンスープを食べました（僕も中か料理が好きですよ。）でも、一日の食事の中で朝食が一番じゅうようです。土曜日の朝、いためた卵とたまねぎを食べました。それはいい朝ごあんだったが、今日の朝、ホットケーキといちごとさとうを食べました。これはあまりよくないメニューです。
でも、食べ物はおいしくて色々ですので、楽しんですね。
Translation:
September 25th (Sunday)
Weather: Rainy
I like food, and I like to eat. I enjoy both Japanese and Western cuisine.
On Friday, I ate some of my mom's homemade pork fried rice. On Saturady, I had sushi and ramen noodles for lunch. Then, that night, because my parents like Chinese cuisine, we went to China Sail Restaurant and ate wonton soup. (I also like Chinese cuisine.) However, the most important meal of the day is breakfast. Saturday morning, I ate fried eggs and onions. That was a pretty good breakfast, but this morning (ed: Sunday, Sept. 25th) I ate pancakes with strawberries and sugar. All in all, this menu wans't all that great. (ed: That last sentence was suggested by my Japanese teacher, possibly as a polite expression of humility. Or maybe she just wasn't all that impressed.)
Nevertheless, I quite enjoy the diversity and deliciousness of food. Don't you?
I'm trying make my translations a bit less literal -- my first two posts have shown me just how poorly the flow and structure of Japanese translates into English. Hopefully, my translations will sound less awkward as I go on.
Also, these journals do get more interesting. I promise.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Japanese Journals #2
九月十七日（土曜日）
天気：はれ
今日、日本の学生とフォートジョージ公園へ行った。学生は五人だったので、いっしょに僕の車で行けなかった。それから、三人はバスで行った。でも、僕は公園のバスていのいちをしらなかったので、たいへんてはずかしかった。
九月十八日（日曜日）
天気：雨
母のオフィスを私達はかいぞうした。でも、母がのこぎりを使ったので、けむりを作って火さいほうちきをはっした。しょうぼうしは来た。
My Translation:
September 17th (Saturday)
Weather: Sunny
Today, I went to Fort Geroge Park with (a group of) Japanese students. Because there were five students, we couldn't go together in my car. Therefore, three of them (lit: three people) went by bus. However, I didn't know where the bus stops at the park were, which was troublesome and embarrassing. (lit: Because I didn't know where the park's bus stops were, it was both troublesome and embarrassing)
September 18th (Sunday)
Weather: Rainy
At my Mom's office, we (me and Mom) were doing renovations. However, because Mom was using a saw, smoke was created and a fire alarm was activated. Firemen came.
Babelfish Translation:
September 17th (Saturday) Weather: [re] It went to the student and the fort George park of today and Japan. Because the student was five, it was and the [tsu] did and could not go to the [yo] by my car. Then, three people went by the bus. So, as for me the bus [te] of the park to be, to do the [chi], because and others it was not, the serious [te] expectation oak you applied. September 18th (Sunday) Weather: Rain As for us the [u] it did or the office of the mother. Because so, the mother used the saw, making the [ke] excessiveness, fire occasion the [tsu] it did the one [chi] coming. It did and the [yo] [u] [bo] [u] did and came.
Okay, Babelfish isn't funny anymore. It's just sad.
天気：はれ
今日、日本の学生とフォートジョージ公園へ行った。学生は五人だったので、いっしょに僕の車で行けなかった。それから、三人はバスで行った。でも、僕は公園のバスていのいちをしらなかったので、たいへんてはずかしかった。
九月十八日（日曜日）
天気：雨
母のオフィスを私達はかいぞうした。でも、母がのこぎりを使ったので、けむりを作って火さいほうちきをはっした。しょうぼうしは来た。
My Translation:
September 17th (Saturday)
Weather: Sunny
Today, I went to Fort Geroge Park with (a group of) Japanese students. Because there were five students, we couldn't go together in my car. Therefore, three of them (lit: three people) went by bus. However, I didn't know where the bus stops at the park were, which was troublesome and embarrassing. (lit: Because I didn't know where the park's bus stops were, it was both troublesome and embarrassing)
September 18th (Sunday)
Weather: Rainy
At my Mom's office, we (me and Mom) were doing renovations. However, because Mom was using a saw, smoke was created and a fire alarm was activated. Firemen came.
Babelfish Translation:
September 17th (Saturday) Weather: [re] It went to the student and the fort George park of today and Japan. Because the student was five, it was and the [tsu] did and could not go to the [yo] by my car. Then, three people went by the bus. So, as for me the bus [te] of the park to be, to do the [chi], because and others it was not, the serious [te] expectation oak you applied. September 18th (Sunday) Weather: Rain As for us the [u] it did or the office of the mother. Because so, the mother used the saw, making the [ke] excessiveness, fire occasion the [tsu] it did the one [chi] coming. It did and the [yo] [u] [bo] [u] did and came.
Okay, Babelfish isn't funny anymore. It's just sad.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Japanese Journals #1
Today marks the end of INTS 221, the first of UNBC's two intermediate Japanese langauge courses. This is the third Japanese course I've taken-- I took UNBC's introductory Japanese courses (INTS 121 & 122) back in the 2009/10 semester to prepare for my trip to Japan. After a year-long hiatus, it was fun being back in Japanese-- I ordered food over a pay phone, wrote a recipe for Haluski dumplings, and made a mock commercial. I also met with two exchange students from Tokyo once a week as part of a language partnering program.
And in addition to all that-- and more to the point of this post-- I wrote weekly Japanese journals. Since it's been a long time since I've posted anything new (Jesus, how many of my posts have begun with those words?) and since I have that neat label "ニホンゴゴをしています" just sitting there waitng to be used, I thought I'd post up my Journal entries. Aside from corrections pointed out by my instructor, these will be the exact entries that I submitted in class. In addition to the original Japanese, I'll also include my own English translation (which I'll try to make as literal as possible) and, just for fun, an autotranslation from Babelfish.
Now, the problem with a posting stuff in Japanese is that most computers aren't set up to display Japanese characters. Every operating system and/or browser has its own way of changing language settings, so unfortunately I can't just tell you what I did to get Japanese support on my computer. Hopefully, these links will be of some help:
http://japanese.about.com/od/fonts/ss/setup.htm
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/sheaa/projects/genki/computer_support.html
http://thejapanesepage.com/beginners/japanese_on_computer
http://www.yesjapan.com/install_japanese/
With that (hopefully) out of the way, here's my first Japanese journal entry:
二千十一年九月七日(水曜日)
天気：はれ
今日、大学は始まった。（｢始まる｣は、「はじめまして」になりますか。）昨日、僕のコンピューターはびょうきになりましたので、今日、僕は、しあわせじゃなかったです。
九月十日(土曜日)
天気：はれ
コンピューターは元気ですよ。昨日、まあやさんとみなさんと会った。来週、公園へ行く。今日、 パーティーへ行った。にぎやかだった。
My Translation:
2011, September 7th (Wednesday)
Weather: Sunny
Today, university started. (Does "start" ("hajimaru") become "nice to meet you" ("hajimemashite")?) Because yesterday my computer became sick, today I was not happy. (Ed: I got a nasty computer virus around this time.)
2011, September 10th (Saturday)
Weather: Sunny
My computer is healthy! Yesterday, I met with Maya-san and Mina-san (Ed: My Japanese partners) Next week, we go to the park. Today, I went to a party. It was lively.
I didn't realize how primitive this stuff was until I translated it just now. Christ, I sound like a bloody five year old; usually, I sound at least thirteen or fourteen.
Finally, as promised, the Babelfish version:
2011 September seventh (Thursday) Weather: [re] Today, the university started. (“It starts”, “beginning,” it becomes? Because) yesterday, my computer became the rivet coming, today, happiness there was no I, is. September tenth (Saturday) Weather: [re] The computer is vigorous. It met yesterday, well and with everyone. Next week, it goes to the park. Today, it went to the party. It was bustling.
Oh, computers. You're so vigorous.
And in addition to all that-- and more to the point of this post-- I wrote weekly Japanese journals. Since it's been a long time since I've posted anything new (Jesus, how many of my posts have begun with those words?) and since I have that neat label "ニホンゴゴをしています" just sitting there waitng to be used, I thought I'd post up my Journal entries. Aside from corrections pointed out by my instructor, these will be the exact entries that I submitted in class. In addition to the original Japanese, I'll also include my own English translation (which I'll try to make as literal as possible) and, just for fun, an autotranslation from Babelfish.
Now, the problem with a posting stuff in Japanese is that most computers aren't set up to display Japanese characters. Every operating system and/or browser has its own way of changing language settings, so unfortunately I can't just tell you what I did to get Japanese support on my computer. Hopefully, these links will be of some help:
http://japanese.about.com/od/fonts/ss/setup.htm
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/sheaa/projects/genki/computer_support.html
http://thejapanesepage.com/beginners/japanese_on_computer
http://www.yesjapan.com/install_japanese/
With that (hopefully) out of the way, here's my first Japanese journal entry:
二千十一年九月七日(水曜日)
天気：はれ
今日、大学は始まった。（｢始まる｣は、「はじめまして」になりますか。）昨日、僕のコンピューターはびょうきになりましたので、今日、僕は、しあわせじゃなかったです。
九月十日(土曜日)
天気：はれ
コンピューターは元気ですよ。昨日、まあやさんとみなさんと会った。来週、公園へ行く。今日、 パーティーへ行った。にぎやかだった。
My Translation:
2011, September 7th (Wednesday)
Weather: Sunny
Today, university started. (Does "start" ("hajimaru") become "nice to meet you" ("hajimemashite")?) Because yesterday my computer became sick, today I was not happy. (Ed: I got a nasty computer virus around this time.)
2011, September 10th (Saturday)
Weather: Sunny
My computer is healthy! Yesterday, I met with Maya-san and Mina-san (Ed: My Japanese partners) Next week, we go to the park. Today, I went to a party. It was lively.
I didn't realize how primitive this stuff was until I translated it just now. Christ, I sound like a bloody five year old; usually, I sound at least thirteen or fourteen.
Finally, as promised, the Babelfish version:
2011 September seventh (Thursday) Weather: [re] Today, the university started. (“It starts”, “beginning,” it becomes? Because) yesterday, my computer became the rivet coming, today, happiness there was no I, is. September tenth (Saturday) Weather: [re] The computer is vigorous. It met yesterday, well and with everyone. Next week, it goes to the park. Today, it went to the party. It was bustling.
Oh, computers. You're so vigorous.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Sailor Moon No More-ish
I've decided that I'll no longer be posting script snippets for my Sailor Moon screenplay.
Just to be clear, this is NOT because I'm giving up on the screenplay, or because I haven't been able to write new material-- in fact, I've got lots of new material scribbled slipshod across multiple ramshackle old notebooks.
The reason I've decided to stop posting the script is that. . . well, it's a really bad idea, both creatively and from the standpoint of publishing and selling my work. When I started out on this, I was under the impression that this screenplay would never go anywhere anyway, and that putting it on my blog was the only way that this silly idea would ever be read. In fact, that's still almost certainly true. . . but that doesn't change the fact that it's lousy way to do things. Regardless of whether this goes anywhere or not (and whatever its artistic merit), I've put a lot of time and effort into this project. It's time to start taking it more seriously, to start treating it like something that I will, one day, actually try to sell and get on the screen. And that means NOT self-publishing a spoiler riddled first draft for everyone-- including potential buyers-- to see.
On top of that, it's a really shitty way to create something. While I did, and do, have many aspects of the story (including the ending) planned out, a lot of what was published in the script was stuff I made up as I went along. Now, there's nothing wrong with just sitting down and writing, seeing where the process will lead you. There IS a problem with letting your readers see that process unfold, and having to live with sometime egregious mistakes seen in hindsight when, really, you should just be revising those mistakes and pushing forward. I've lost so much time agonizing over how a published snippet will look, how the words will flow, whether it will make sense given what came before, etc. instead of just writing it and revising it later, when I have the whole thing in front of me to examine and fix. Publishing online was motivating once-- now, it's just counter-productive.
Besides. . . I do have a life outside of this screenplay. There are other things I'd like to write about. Like excitons, or Japanese, or cooking, or travel, or how I would've written Enterprise. Yeah. . . I've been think a lot about that last one recently.
So stay tuned.
Just to be clear, this is NOT because I'm giving up on the screenplay, or because I haven't been able to write new material-- in fact, I've got lots of new material scribbled slipshod across multiple ramshackle old notebooks.
The reason I've decided to stop posting the script is that. . . well, it's a really bad idea, both creatively and from the standpoint of publishing and selling my work. When I started out on this, I was under the impression that this screenplay would never go anywhere anyway, and that putting it on my blog was the only way that this silly idea would ever be read. In fact, that's still almost certainly true. . . but that doesn't change the fact that it's lousy way to do things. Regardless of whether this goes anywhere or not (and whatever its artistic merit), I've put a lot of time and effort into this project. It's time to start taking it more seriously, to start treating it like something that I will, one day, actually try to sell and get on the screen. And that means NOT self-publishing a spoiler riddled first draft for everyone-- including potential buyers-- to see.
On top of that, it's a really shitty way to create something. While I did, and do, have many aspects of the story (including the ending) planned out, a lot of what was published in the script was stuff I made up as I went along. Now, there's nothing wrong with just sitting down and writing, seeing where the process will lead you. There IS a problem with letting your readers see that process unfold, and having to live with sometime egregious mistakes seen in hindsight when, really, you should just be revising those mistakes and pushing forward. I've lost so much time agonizing over how a published snippet will look, how the words will flow, whether it will make sense given what came before, etc. instead of just writing it and revising it later, when I have the whole thing in front of me to examine and fix. Publishing online was motivating once-- now, it's just counter-productive.
Besides. . . I do have a life outside of this screenplay. There are other things I'd like to write about. Like excitons, or Japanese, or cooking, or travel, or how I would've written Enterprise. Yeah. . . I've been think a lot about that last one recently.
So stay tuned.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Because One of You Asked For it!
I've created a new label, SM Script, for all script snippets posted to this blog. I've also posted links to every script snippet entry below, in chronological order from top to bottom:
I'm Actually Doing it!!
THIS is the best Tuxedo Kamen motivational poster parody I could find. . .
What Follows is Boring, but Neccessary
There's Something Here For All You Dawson's Creek Lovers Out There!
Flashes V for Victory! Every week a Fantastic Story! It's Hard to Think of Things That Rhyme With "V"! She is the One Named Sailor V!
There's One Place Where I Could Have Really Easily Made A "Cat Got Your Tongue?" Joke, but I Didn't, and I'm Proud of That.
Every Day I Get in the Queue. . . To Get on the Bus That Takes Me to You.
More Rei-cism
In the Cosmological Justice System, the Universe is Represented by Two Sepearte Yet Equally Important Groups. . . CHUNG CHUNG!
Just To Be Clear, Evolution Doesn't Really Work This Way
The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Pinky. . .
I Should Not Write the Sailor Moon Movie (but I'm going to anyway. . .)
What Follows is Again Boring, but Again Neccessary
Wherein I Parody the Entire Sailor Moon Franchise in Under Five Minutes!
Did I Mention That I'm Picturing George Takei as Dr. Tomoe?
Let the Fun Begin!
I'm trying to get one of these out per day.
Did You Know That the Actress Who Played Sailor Mars in PGSM was in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Well, You Do Now!
Yeah, It's Three Days Later. Whatever.
These Are Getting Shorter and Shorter. . .
The Stuff of Legend
More First Draft Badness!
Insert Your Own Witty David Lynch Reference!
I hope I haven't given too much away. . .
Why is it That So Few Saturday Morning Cartoon Villains Have a Catchy Name for Their Lairs?
You Can Use Music from Sunshine to Make Anything Badass.
You Can Also Use Music from Inception to Make Anything Badass. . . But I Won't This Time.
The "Sunshine" Post Went Over Really Well With My Mom So Here's More Music I Like
Just in Time for Mother's Day: The Ongoing Soap Opera of People Who Technically Don't Have Mothers
Yes, I HAVE Injected Backroom City Politics into your Escapist Magical Shoujo Fantasy!
No, Makoto Don't Want no Scrubs. A Scrub is a Guy Who Can't Get No Love From She.
There's actually a major plot point here! Foreshadowing! Ooooh!
They Said the F-word in the Manga Too, Y'know.
If You Start Hearing "Eye of the Tiger" in Your Head as you Read This, Then You Have Missed The Point
More Important Foreshadowing. Trust me!
This may be the shortest script snippet yet.
I'm on a Boat!
Can You Believe I Only Just Now Started Watching Battlestar Galactica?
You know, one of the first films I remember seeing in theatres was Searching for Bobby Fisher. . .
Yeah. . this'll come WAY earlier in the second draft.
I couldn't just make up an African country that didn't sound really silly. . .
The Nuances of Japanese Job Interviews = Comic Gold!
I'm Actually Doing it!!
THIS is the best Tuxedo Kamen motivational poster parody I could find. . .
What Follows is Boring, but Neccessary
There's Something Here For All You Dawson's Creek Lovers Out There!
Flashes V for Victory! Every week a Fantastic Story! It's Hard to Think of Things That Rhyme With "V"! She is the One Named Sailor V!
There's One Place Where I Could Have Really Easily Made A "Cat Got Your Tongue?" Joke, but I Didn't, and I'm Proud of That.
Every Day I Get in the Queue. . . To Get on the Bus That Takes Me to You.
More Rei-cism
In the Cosmological Justice System, the Universe is Represented by Two Sepearte Yet Equally Important Groups. . . CHUNG CHUNG!
Just To Be Clear, Evolution Doesn't Really Work This Way
The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Pinky. . .
I Should Not Write the Sailor Moon Movie (but I'm going to anyway. . .)
What Follows is Again Boring, but Again Neccessary
Wherein I Parody the Entire Sailor Moon Franchise in Under Five Minutes!
Did I Mention That I'm Picturing George Takei as Dr. Tomoe?
Let the Fun Begin!
I'm trying to get one of these out per day.
Did You Know That the Actress Who Played Sailor Mars in PGSM was in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Well, You Do Now!
Yeah, It's Three Days Later. Whatever.
These Are Getting Shorter and Shorter. . .
The Stuff of Legend
More First Draft Badness!
Insert Your Own Witty David Lynch Reference!
I hope I haven't given too much away. . .
Why is it That So Few Saturday Morning Cartoon Villains Have a Catchy Name for Their Lairs?
You Can Use Music from Sunshine to Make Anything Badass.
You Can Also Use Music from Inception to Make Anything Badass. . . But I Won't This Time.
The "Sunshine" Post Went Over Really Well With My Mom So Here's More Music I Like
Just in Time for Mother's Day: The Ongoing Soap Opera of People Who Technically Don't Have Mothers
Yes, I HAVE Injected Backroom City Politics into your Escapist Magical Shoujo Fantasy!
No, Makoto Don't Want no Scrubs. A Scrub is a Guy Who Can't Get No Love From She.
There's actually a major plot point here! Foreshadowing! Ooooh!
They Said the F-word in the Manga Too, Y'know.
If You Start Hearing "Eye of the Tiger" in Your Head as you Read This, Then You Have Missed The Point
More Important Foreshadowing. Trust me!
This may be the shortest script snippet yet.
I'm on a Boat!
Can You Believe I Only Just Now Started Watching Battlestar Galactica?
You know, one of the first films I remember seeing in theatres was Searching for Bobby Fisher. . .
Yeah. . this'll come WAY earlier in the second draft.
I couldn't just make up an African country that didn't sound really silly. . .
The Nuances of Japanese Job Interviews = Comic Gold!
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